BUSINESSMAN Wait! Now — if we could just hear what the ministers are talking about! — (They all listen. Biach pulls his chair up close to the ministers’ table.)
PRIME MINISTER Look at the Pschütt, what a mess it’s in again today, the state of it! — really irritating — instead of suspending the illustrated magazines in their frames, the waiters just hang them up anyhow — the liberties they take! The state the paper is in when I get it is just awful — I’ll see to it they’re put to one side for me, that’s simplest.
BIACH (very worked up) Do you know what I’ve just heard? Heaven’s above, I heard it with my own ears — the state’s in a mess, liberty’s at stake, they’re going to take people aside and hang them—
BUSINESSMAN Shh …!
BIACH Suspension of all liberties, state of emergency to be declared!
HONORARY COUNSELLOR Well, now we know!
INTELLECTUAL A political sensation par excellence, that’s what it is, and literally direct from the horse’s mouth!
BIACH (proudly) So what do you say to me now?!
HABERDASHER It’s your duty to leak it to the press straight away!
BIACH Yes, the situation is grave—
HONORARY COUNSELLOR —and who can know what tomorrow might bring—
HABERDASHER —and the state is duty-bound to put a brake on all such passions that have been stirred up—
BUSINESSMAN —and the mood of the people is important—
INTELLECTUAL —amid mounting anxiety—
BIACH —and it’s gone 10 o’clock and my Rosa is sitting at home and doesn’t like it when I come home late, so I propose we pay and go.
(The headwaiter comes, they depart, all turning once more with timid curiosity to look at the ministers’ table.)
BIACH (leaving) We have experienced an historical moment. I shall never forget the grave expression on the face of Prime Minister Count Stürgkh for as long as I live!
(Change of scene.)
Scene 11
Meeting between two of those who have “wangled it.”
FIRST Hi there, you still in Vienna? So they exempted you after all?
SECOND I went up and wangled it. But why are you still in Vienna? Did they exempt you after all?
FIRST I went up and wangled it.
SECOND Of course.
FIRST Of course.
SECOND Don’t know what happened to Edi Wagner, think he managed to wangle it? He was called up in October, then the story was, his old man had bought him a Daimler since his major — you know, Tschibulka von Welschwehr — had promised to get him into the Automobile Corps, then I heard he was either to go to Officers’ Training at Klosterneuburg or to work in a munitions factory — office work, of course — then someone said he would be declared indispensable to the family business, and his uncle — you know, the fellow who was talked into funding the military reserve hospital in the Fillgradergasse — I ran into him at the time and he told me that if push comes to shove he’d find a place for him in the Red Cross, no one knows for sure, and I really would like to know where the poor devil landed up.
FIRST I can tell you. His old man, mean bugger that he is, thought twice about the Daimler, and got him into that Danish company that makes paper tablecloths, but he got fed up with that and said he’d rather join up, and he got assigned to the Blumau munitions factory, but that was a bore, and now he sits night after night in the Chapeau, sometimes in uniform, sometimes in civvies, how he managed is a mystery to me, I can only think that when all the protection didn’t work, he went up and wangled it himself. Could be, of course, he really was exempted, or even found medically unfit. Anyhow, so long, I have an appointment with a certain somebody who might have a consignment for me, and boy, what a consignment … I’ve hit the jackpot—
SECOND You lucky swine. Heard the latest? Pepi Seiffert was killed — in action at Rawa Ruska — so long — must go — I’ve got a meeting in the War Welfare Office, they’re having a Tea Dance tomorrow and I promised I’d bring little Fritzi-Sprizi along, Sasha will be there, be a sport and come too, and bring your bit of fluff with you! See you!—
FIRST My dear chap, I’ve other things on my mind, if they come off I’ll give you a ring, so long — oh, that reminds me — I must tell you—
(Enter a newspaper subscriber and a patriot.)
PATRIOT Healthy young people, did you see? You could put together a whole army corps on the Ringstrasse!
SUBSCRIBER Truly revolting. French malingerers, the shame of it!
FIRST (turns round) Are you talking about me?
SUBSCRIBER You? I don’t know you, leave me alone—
SECOND Then take that back! — There’s no way you can know—
PATRIOT But please, please, gentlemen, this gentleman was talking about malingerers in France, so there’s no need for you to get worked up, after all, you’re not French.
FIRST Oh, I see, sorry, if you didn’t mean Austria I was mistaken, my respects. (Both leave.)
SUBSCRIBER You see — cheeky into the bargain! He actually thought we meant him when we mentioned malingerers in France.
PATRIOT Probably a French malingerer skulking here, up to no good, there’s no way of knowing, is there? I’ll be hanged if he’s not a deserter, or even a spy!
SUBSCRIBER That’s my impression, too, no doubt about it!
PATRIOT Not to mention what’s happening in every enemy country!
SUBSCRIBER Don’t I know it! While we’re on the subject, look at France — hasn’t their draft board just announced a second review? Just imagine, recalling those who have been already declared unfit for service!
PATRIOT But not only recalling — those they take are then sent to the front! “Enrolment of those already discharged in France” is what I read.
SUBSCRIBER Or take the wretched state of the French Army Supply Corps.
PATRIOT War supplies contracted out at exorbitant rates!
SUBSCRIBER They say differences in the price of preserved food and munitions consignments are definitely fishy.
PATRIOT Extortionate prices have been paid for cloth, linen, and flour.
SUBSCRIBER Some middlemen have made huge profits from the sales contracts. Using middlemen, imagine!
PATRIOT Where?
SUBSCRIBER In France, of course.
PATRIOT Scandalous!
SUBSCRIBER To allege something like that openly in parliament!
PATRIOT It would be unthinkable here! Fortunately we have—
SUBSCRIBER No parliament, eh?—
PATRIOT A clear conscience, is what I meant.
SUBSCRIBER Millerand himself admitted everything. It’s impossible to avoid mistakes, he said, but we will proceed regardless with all severity.
PATRIOT I see no sign of that!
SUBSCRIBER And what about Russia? Very telling that they’ve had to convene the duma and the government has had to put up with some frank speaking.
PATRIOT No chance of that happening here! Fortunately we have—
SUBSCRIBER A clear conscience, eh?
PATRIOT No parliament, is what I meant.
SUBSCRIBER And what do you say about the harvest?
PATRIOT Quite simply this: Bad harvest in Italy. Crop failure in England. Poor prospects for the Russian harvest. Concern about the harvest in France. And what do you say about the exchange rate, eh?
SUBSCRIBER What do you want me to say? The fall of the rouble speaks for itself.