PATRIOT Yes, just like here, they copy everything we do—
SUBSCRIBER Excuse me, what do you mean by that? Do we have—
PATRIOT On the contrary, we’ve just introduced a Daily British Casualty List.
SUBSCRIBER I noticed that as well, while our casualty list only appears once in a blue moon.
PATRIOT Do they expect us to forge it and invent false names? At the very outside, we’ve had maybe 800 wounded this year.
SUBSCRIBER In Italy no list has appeared at all. That’s more than suspicious. They daren’t admit all the huge losses they’ve suffered already.
PATRIOT Apropos of Italy, did you see: “Dismissal of Italian general”? For proven incompetence at the front! Further dismissals are expected!
SUBSCRIBER Shhh …! Hardly seems possible. Have you ever heard of one of our generals being—
PATRIOT Well, yes.
SUBSCRIBER For incompetence?
PATRIOT That as well.
SUBSCRIBER But at least he didn’t have an opportunity to prove it at the front!
PATRIOT You’re right about that, sure enough. Incidentally, did you know there were already draft dodgers in Italy?
SUBSCRIBER What did you expect? And it’s scarcely entered the war! But do you know what else they’ve already introduced? Censorship! Freedom of expression seems to be in a bad way in all the enemy countries. No free speech at all, I’ve heard.
PATRIOT At best, the papers there are allowed to write that our military situation is much better than theirs. Well, truth will out. English critics of the war describe the situation of the Entente Powers as hopeless.
SUBSCRIBER That’s a fine state of affairs, allowing them to write that! If anyone here said anything like that, just imagine what would happen to him!
PATRIOT If he were to say the situation of the Entente Powers was hopeless?
SUBSCRIBER No, if he were to say the situation of the Central Powers was hopeless. He would be strung up, and quite right too! No one here would take such a liberty.
PATRIOT And why should he? He’d have to lie! Look, even in England they tell the truth when they have to admit they’re in a bad way.
SUBSCRIBER Some patriots they must be! The other day one of them wrote that England deserves to be wiped out by Germany. Well, he got what was coming to him. Know what sentence they handed out? Fourteen days!
PATRIOT (shakes his head in disbelief) Prison for criticism in England. That’s a fine state of affairs! Fourteen days!
SUBSCRIBER Yes, those fine gentlemen don’t like hearing things like that, they can’t stand the truth. That said, no journalist here would take such a liberty.
PATRIOT And is it any better in France? Not a jot. Didn’t you read in the Presse today: “Prison for spreading the truth in France”? I ask you, just for telling the truth! It was a woman, and she said Germany was prepared for war but France wasn’t. So if for once you tell them the truth to their faces—
SUBSCRIBER Yes, they can’t take it, the powers-that-be in France! They’re all for waging war and attacking Germany, their peace-loving neighbour, out of the blue, that’s their style—
PATRIOT Golden words! Germany is waging a defensive war. Not a soul in Germany was prepared for this war. Heavy industry was taken completely unawares.
SUBSCRIBER Absolutely. And when this poor woman in France utters this simple truth in simple words that even the man in the street understands—
PATRIOT No, you’re mistaken there, the woman was sentenced because she—
SUBSCRIBER Because she told the truth!
PATRIOT But she said Germany was prepared for war—
SUBSCRIBER But the truth is, Germany was not prepared for war—
PATRIOT But she said Germany was prepared for war!
SUBSCRIBER But that’s a lie!
PATRIOT But she was sentenced for telling the truth—
SUBSCRIBER But why was she sentenced then?
PATRIOT Because she said Germany was prepared for war!
SUBSCRIBER But how can she be sentenced for that in France? She should have been sentenced for that in Germany!
PATRIOT How come? — Wait a minute — no — maybe … Look, the way I see it is: of course, she told the truth, but it being France and the way the French are, she was sentenced for lying.
SUBSCRIBER Wait a minute — you’re muddling things up. I think what happened is: she lied, and they sentenced her because they can’t face the truth in France.
PATRIOT That’s surely it! It’s in their blood, don’t you think? People there get carried away and take liberties.
SUBSCRIBER Exactly. From what we read, the newspapers there tell their own government a few home truths, but spread nothing but lies about us. It’s perverse! If you believed everything the London papers say about us, you’d believe England was finished.
PATRIOT But I ask you, who believes that! We simply react differently. Our whole journalistic mentality is different, I’m told. Thank heavens! You could say our editors are even more enthusiastic than our soldiers. Especially in the cultural section.
SUBSCRIBER Talking of which — I meant to tell you, you know who’s coming here today? Go on, guess. The greatest living writer, Hans Müller!
PATRIOT Well, you can tell him from me, I heartily agree with every word he writes! What’s he like, as a person? I’d be interested to know. There’s only one way to describe his style: cheerful and charming. Wasn’t it more than charming when he went up to a soldier in his field-grey uniform in the middle of the street in Berlin and gave him a big kiss, not to mention his blessing on our combined weapons in the church at the end of his article. He’s my favourite by far! None of the rest of them with their personal style, not even Roda Roda or Salten, has captured the “shoulder to shoulder” feeling so well, in fact, you might say he literally writes shoulder to shoulder — for instance, with Ganghofer. He’s as good as that! At first, when he was writing his features from the field as “Cassian at the Front”, they were so authentic, so enthusiastic, you really believed he was at the front. Later, by pure chance, I found out he was in Vienna all along, it was in Vienna he wrote them! How he captured the front! What talent! I’d just be interested to know, what’s he like as a person?
SUBSCRIBER As a person — hard to say. Just at the moment pretty worried, but so what — the day after tomorrow — who’d believe it! — he’s got to appear before the recruiting board.
PATRIOT Well, well, and what’s he worried about?
SUBSCRIBER About recruitment, of course!
PATRIOT He’s worried? That they won’t take him?
SUBSCRIBER What do you mean? He’s worried, of course, because he’s afraid they will take him!
PATRIOT You’re joking! Hans Müller? The same Hans Müller who’s sweating blood for the Fatherland? Really! I could have sworn no one embodied the Special Relationship better than Hans Müller — and that he would live and die for it! Indeed, I thought he had returned from Germany, after embracing our brave field-grey soldiers, specifically because he couldn’t wait to enlist voluntarily! He’ll be happy and cheerful, I thought to myself, if they take him — and he’ll do himself a mischief if they don’t take him!
SUBSCRIBER How come? Didn’t you hear yourself that the features from the front were from Vienna, and wasn’t it that that impressed you — the way he captured the front while writing from Vienna?
PATRIOT The features from the front — I thought he had written them because he was offended they hadn’t taken him along yet — just to show them! He wanted to show them what he would be capable of writing about the front once he was actually at the front! I simply can’t believe what you’ve just told me. You’ll have mixed him up with someone else.