SUBSCRIBER He’d be happy if they mixed him up with someone else at the recruiting board the day after tomorrow.
PATRIOT Listen, that really annoys me! I can only assume you aren’t well enough informed. If someone has written the way Hans Müller has written, so authentically, so enthusiastically, he’s bound to be happy they’ll take him—
SUBSCRIBER (worked up) So — so they have to take everyone? Everyone has to be happy? No one can have the slightest worry anymore about anything else? It’s not enough that he’s enthusiastic? No, he has to do military service? Him, of all people? You’re a dreamer! As if you can’t wait to see him doing drill! But your worries are unfounded, and his too, I hope. And if they do take him — luckily Hans Müller is already a name to conjure with. They’ll employ him according to his talents!
PATRIOT You know that I agree with you about everything — but on that point our views diverge. I believed in Hans Müller and what I’ve just heard disappoints me. Of course, your point of view is that of a newspaper subscriber. For you, such a collaborator is indispensable—
SUBSCRIBER And you see everything through the eyes of a patriot — I hope you see far enough! Adieu, I must find an extra edition. What about you?
PATRIOT I’m going to do my bit. (Exeunt in different directions.)
NEWSPAPER VENDOR Ex-tra-aa edi-shun—! Both communiqués!
(Change of scene.)
Scene 12
Enter a giant in civilian dress and a dwarf in uniform.
GIANT It’s all right for you, you can be of use to the community. I was immediately turned down by the regimental doctor.
DWARF For what reason?
GIANT Too weak. According to the same old findings of fifteen years ago. Then I looked like you.
DWARF If that’s the case, I’m surprised they didn’t accept you. The regimental doctor hardly looked at me, and I was accepted like a shot. Mama was very unhappy.
GIANT Mummy’s boy!
DWARF But I’m satisfied. Man grows to match his higher goals, as Schiller says. At first I had doubts whether I was fitted for the grandeur of the age and able to fight shoulder to shoulder. But in civilian life one is only mocked, while I’ll come back from the army a hero, after many a bullet has whistled over my head. When the others throw themselves to the ground, I stay on my feet!
GIANT Lucky you!
DWARF Don’t let it worry you. There’s nothing you can do about it. It’s up to the board.
GIANT I slipped through the net.
DWARF I caught the doctor’s attention.
GIANT Let’s get some food. I’ve a huge appetite.
DWARF I might have a little something.
NEWSPAPER VENDOR Ex-tra-aa edi-shun—! Both communiqués—!
(Change of scene.)
Scene 13
The electrified railway Baden — Vienna.
A giant of a man, bushy moustache, dead drunk, in civilian life possibly a removal man, check trousers bearing traces of overindulgence in wine and recent forced ejection from source of same. Beside him a bag from which, at intervals, he takes a bottle. He enters into a dispute with a couple after knocking against the girl, threatens her companion, and shouts throughout the whole journey.
DRUNK What a waster — getting his dander up — what have you ever done for the Fatherland? Where are your papers? Let me see! — Look me in the eye — I’ve got sons like you at the front — and with more beard than you have — they’re out there doing things — for the Fatherland — D’you know where I’m from? — from Baden, that’s where — what a waster — let’s see your papers, then — who do you think you — you — getting your dander up — just because you’ve your sweetie with you — what have you ever done for the Fatherland? — look at me — I do things — for the Fatherland — if they all got their dander up like him there — what are you looking at me like that for? — Maybe I offended you? — what a waster — I do things — show me your papers — here, look at that — know what that is? — a postcard from the front from my nephew — for the Fatherland — what a waster — I want to see his papers — he’s done nothing — for the Fatherland — (When he has calmed down a bit after being talked to by the frail-looking conductor, he slumps against others sitting near him, offering them his bottle, one after the other.) Friends and neighbours, help yourselves — as fellow Austrians!
A GALICIAN REFUGEE COUPLE God forbid! (They escape by changing seats, but leave their umbrella behind.)
DRUNK (now slurring all his words) Waster — for the Fatherland — show your papers—
CONSUMPTION TAX INSPECTOR (appears) What have you got in your bag there?
DRUNK (faintly) Waster — for the Fatherland — show papers — (after a long talking-to is prevailed upon to open his bag and pay a tax of 20 cents. Meanwhile, the train halts.)
A VIENNESE (who has meanwhile occupied the place where the refugees were sitting) So we all have to wait because of some piddling triviality! Nothing but bother on this line! It’s all too much!
(He leaves the train, with the umbrella. It is raining. The drunk does likewise. The train pulls out.)
DRUNK (outside, more animated again) For the Fatherland — he should — he should show his papers — waster — done nothing — for the Fatherland—
REFUGEE COUPLE (breathe a sigh of relief and occupy their former seats. A moment later they jump up.) Where’s the umbrella? God, where’s the umbrella? Conductor, where’s the umbrella?
(Change of scene.)
Scene 14
The apartment of the actress Elfriede Ritter, recently returned from Russia. Luggage partly unpacked. The reporters Füchsl, Feigl, and Halberstam are holding her by the arms and plying her with questions.
ALL THREE (talking at once): Has the knout left any marks? Show us! We need the particulars, every detail. How was Muscovy? Your impressions of the capital of the Slav empire? You must have suffered dreadfully, didn’t you? You must have!
FÜCHSL Describe how they treated you like a prisoner!
FEIGL Let the Evening Edition have your impressions of your stay!
HALBERSTAM What was your frame of mind during the journey back? Tell the Morgenblatt!
ELFRIEDE RITTER (smiles; her accent is north German) Gentlemen, I thank you for your keen interest. I’m really touched that my beloved Viennese still take me to their hearts. And for troubling yourselves to come in person, my heartfelt thanks! I’ll happily put off my unpacking, gentlemen, but with the best will in the world I can only say that it was very, very interesting, that nothing happened to me at all, what else? … hmm, that the return journey, though a little tedious, was not in the slightest onerous, and (with a twinkle in her eye) that I am pleased to be back in my beloved Vienna.
HALBERSTAM Interesting — so it was a tedious journey, so she admits—
FEIGL Onerous was what she said—
FÜCHSL Hang on, I wrote the intro back in the office — wait a second — (writes) Released from her sufferings in Russian captivity, and having finally reached her destination after an onerous and tedious journey, the artiste wept tears of joy at the realization she was once more in her beloved city of Vienna—
ELFRIEDE RITTER (waving a finger threateningly) My dear sir, that’s not what I said! On the contrary, did I not say I could not complain about a thing, not the slightest thing—