GRUMBLER Well then you won’t be able to forgive the Hotel Bristol, which has retained its name, although there was no Hotel St. Pölten in London, even in peacetime.
OPTIMIST Nevertheless, by turning its “Rôtisserie” into a “Carvery”, the Bristol showed it had the courage and the determination to do some soul-searching. And look at this—“The Fleet.” Pure and simple! It’s a gentlemen’s outfitters, and a short time ago everyone knew it was called “The English Fleet.” (The shopkeeper appears in the doorway.)
GRUMBLER Yes, but we don’t know — wait a minute, I’ll ask him what fleet his present sign represents. Given the confusion, perhaps he’ll lower the price of shirts a bit. (The owner retreats.) It’s the Austrian fleet!
(Change of scene.)
Scene 16
Headquarters. Enter four army commanders.
AUFFENBERG No, gentlemen, it’s out of the question! I’ve no intention of being made a scapegoat for defeat, like Benedek, I simply won’t put up with that—
BRUDERMANN Oh, go on, don’t be difficult, what should the rest of us say? I only lost 80,000 men, and they’re already muttering against me.
DANKL They’re totting up my 70,000.
PFLANZER-BALTIN Just ignore them! I’m launching an attack tomorrow, regardless! We attack tomorrow, otherwise we’re up to our neck in it! Attack, is my advice, what are they born for if not a hero’s death — tell me, what else our lot are good for! Attack, attack — (he has a seizure.)
AUFFENBERG Stop right there — I couldn’t agree more. I’ve always said our gallant soldiers should grin and bear it and die fighting. I’m in the middle of drawing my plans up, too. Even if it doesn’t do any good, it won’t do any harm either, is what I say. Oh yes, before I forget — the adjutant forgot to remind me yet again, you have to think of everything yourself—
BRUDERMANN Why, what’s up?
AUFFENBERG Nothing — stupid, really — it’s just that I must send him a card, that’s all. Ever since Lublin I’ve been meaning to, but in all the chaos of the retreat I completely forgot. Just a moment! (He sits at a table and writes.) There, that’ll please him.
DANKL What are you writing?
AUFFENBERG Listen: “At this moment in history”—
PFLANZER-BALTIN Ah, bolstering up the men’s morale — that’s not my line. We’ve got machine guns and padres! Tomorrow we attack, and then—
AUFFENBERG “At this moment in history—”
BRUDERMANN Are you writing the battle orders?
AUFFENBERG No, a postcard.
DANKL And who are you writing these world-historical words to?
AUFFENBERG Listen: “At this moment in history, when I would normally be sitting in those cosy rooms of yours which I know so well, my thoughts turn to you and your staff, and from our distant quarters out here in the field I send you cordial greetings. Auffenberg.”
BRUDERMANN Who’s it to? Krobatin?
AUFFENBERG Are you joking! Ludwig Riedl of the Café Europa!
ALL Ah, Riedl!
BRUDERMANN A man of feeling, our tenderhearted Auffenberg! You know, I’m pleased for you. They won’t be able to drag you through the mud now on account of those 90,000 Tyrolese and Salzburgers that you sacrificed. Sacrificed, they called it!
PFLANZER-BALTIN Just ignore them! I’m up to 100,000.
DANKL You know what? Let’s all write to Riedl!
BRUDERMANN Well, yes, but I’m more at home in the Opera Café—I’d rather write to — (sits and writes.)
PFLANZER-BALTIN The Café Heinrichshof is like a second home to me, I’ll drop a line to — (sits and writes.)
DANKL Yes, you’re right — I’ve been a regular in the Café Stadtpark for 29 years — I used to read the reports of the General Staff there every day with Höfer — (sits and writes.)
AUFFENBERG (aside) They’re all copying me. First the strategy, and now keeping in touch with back home. Pity Potierek isn’t here, but he wrote me a postcard to the front from the Café Kremser, and Liborius Frank is sitting together with Puhallo v. Brlog at Scheidl’s. Conrad is about to get married, so that’s an end to our coffeehouse existence. They’re all copying me. I was the first to send in my photo to the Humorist. I was a trailblazer. Something different for a change — not just always theatre people. Now they’re all at it, nothing but generals, it’s getting tiresome, high time some females appeared again. I was the first to get the press involved a bit more, now each of them is in league with some slimy hack just to provide publicity. I’ll be interested to see if Riedl has the gumption to submit my card to the Extrablatt. But wait, I mustn’t forget, the attack’s in a week’s time and I’ve got to — Hey, Pflanzer, what do you think: should I attack right away or wait a week?
PFLANZER-BALTIN I don’t want to interfere on that score, but if I was in your shoes, I would launch an attack the like of which—
BRUDERMANN Now that your men are on their last legs anyhow, I agree. There’ll be time enough for them to pick themselves up. Attack, I say!
DANKL That would be stupid. He should save it for the 18th of August, if he really can’t wait until the second of December. That would always be a nice surprise for the Emperor on his anniversaries.
PFLANZER-BALTIN That’s just flattery, and I want nothing to do with it. I’m launching an attack tomorrow, I know my onions!
(Enter an aide-de-camp of Pflanzer-Baltin.)
AIDE-DE-CAMP Beg to report, Excellency, the professors have arrived and want to present the honorary doctorate.
PFLANZER-BALTIN Aha. Let them wait. If it’s heavy, tell them to put it down while they catch their breath. (Exit aide-de-camp.)
AUFFENBERG Congratulations seem to be in order. Which faculty is it from?
PFLANZER-BALTIN Czernowitz.
BRUDERMANN Is that all? It’s not even a faculty, it’s only a chair. What subject?
PFLANZER-BALTIN Philosophy, of course.
DANKL And your rehabilitation, where’s that?
PFLANZER-BALTIN Czernowitz. It’s no great shakes, but after all—
BRUDERMANN I had expectations from Graz since the students there were fighting under my command. But that came to nothing, unfortunately, since they’re having to close down for the same reason.
DANKL You can congratulate me soon on an honorary doctorate from Innsbruck.
AUFFENBERG Those are all provincial fleapits. I wouldn’t accept one from any of them! I say: Vienna or nothing. Apropos of Vienna, Riedl’ll be tickled pink! I mustn’t forget to remind the aide-de-camp not to forget to remind the courier, or he’ll end up forgetting my card for Riedl!
DANKL, BRUDERMANN, PFLANZER-BALTIN That’s a good idea, let’s do that too, by courier is always the safest way.
AUFFENBERG (aside) They’re all copying me. First the strategy, and now keeping in touch with back home!
(Change of scene.)
Scene 17
Vienna. Premises of the Association of Café Proprietors. Enter four café proprietors, including Riedl. All address him heatedly.
FIRST It’s not on, Riedl. You’re a patriot and simple tradesman, you’ve no right to keep all those trinkets — look, it’s only for as long as the war lasts anyway, afterwards you’ll get them back.
SECOND Don’t make me see red, Riedl, you’ll compromise the whole profession, and you its leading light — you have to, whether you want to or not, you have to!
THIRD Let him be, he’ll listen to me. Riedl, don’t be such a bore! Are you a Viennese? Well then! Are you a German? Well then!