RIEDL But see here, how is it going to look in the next edition of the Lehmann Gazetteer—I was always the one who had the most decorations in the whole of Vienna, no one else had as many lines devoted to him—
FIRST I feel your pain, Riedl, it must be hard for you, but you have to make the sacrifice. It would be a disgrace, it would be tantamount to treason, when so many of the top brass are your regular patrons, and one even has his own table!
SECOND Look, we all have to make sacrifices in this age of grandeur, I only put the price of a small black coffee up to 4.44 instead of 4.50—the widow’s mite, and all that—
THIRD Ridiculous, I can’t believe the famous patriot Riedl, the president of our association, the commandant of the Navy Veterans — it’s not possible, Admiral Tegethoff would be turning in his grave if he found out. I don’t believe it! You, Riedl, the only one of us with his own monument while still alive—
RIEDL True, and one I erected myself! A self-made man is what I am, through and through — built my own house, and I thank God heart and soul for it, every time I come home I love to see that beautiful bas-relief!
FIRST Well then, what need have you for baubles from our enemies? You must give them all up, Riedl, all of them, including the one from Montenegro, and even the Order of the Liberation of the Republic of Liberia!
RIEDL Oh no, not that one too? It was always my special pride and joy. And listen, I was thinking of retiring at the end of the year anyway — so no, it’s impossible.
SECOND Riedl, you must.
THIRD Riedl, you’ve no choice.
RIEDL And the Order of Franz Joseph as well, I suppose?
FIRST On the contrary, that one you can now have printed in bold in Lehmann.
RIEDL (after an inner struggle, takes the great decision) All right, then, I’ll do it! I know what I owe the Fatherland. I renounce the honours bestowed on me by the enemy governments, the swine! I wouldn’t even accept money back for what the trinkets cost me!
ALL (all at once) Three cheers for Riedl! — That’s the Riedl we know! — Long live the city of Vienna and our own Riedl! — Long live St. Stephen’s Cathedral and Riedl’s beside it! — Gott strafe England! — Punish it! — Down with Montenegro! — Throw them all away! — Riedl, our greatest patriot!
RIEDL (wiping his brow) I thank you — I thank you — I must just ring home so they can take them to the Red Cross. You’ll read about it in tomorrow’s paper — (becoming pensive) Here I stand, a lifeless trunk.
SECOND Listen to him, that’s culture for you! Now Riedl talks like a classic!
RIEDL It’s not from a classic, it’s what the editor of the Extrablatt always says when he loses at cards. And now — (choking with emotion) — it’s me — that’s losing—!
THIRD Don’t be sad, Riedl! Don’t be sad! What you give up now you will get back twofold and threefold. And that perhaps sooner than you think.
(A waiter rushes into the room.)
WAITER Herr von Riedl, Herr von Riedl, a card has arrived, Fräulein Anna told me I should bring it quick — it’s great news — the whole place is in an uproar.
RIEDL Let me have it, what is it — (reads, trembling with shock and joy) Gentlemen — at this hour — this is an historic moment — as a patriot and a simple tradesman, honoured by my fellow citizens with countless proofs of their affection — as president of our association — but never — no, never have I — take a look—
ALL Well, what is it?
RIEDL My most illustrious patron — our preeminent warlord — has — during the battle — thought — of me! Hold me! I must inform — the Extrablatt—
(They all support him and read.)
FIRST Is that all? What a letdown! And there was me thinking — Yesterday I got a card from Brudermann — (pulls it out of his pocket.)
RIEDL Oh stop it, you’re embarrassing me.
SECOND Come on, there’s no harm in it, you’re being stupid — something like that wouldn’t affect me. Look, the day before yesterday I got a card from Pflanzer-Baltin — (pulls it out of his pocket.)
THIRD You’re all getting too big-headed, by chance last week I received from Dankl — (pulls it out of his pocket.)
ALL THREE (read out loud at same time) At this historic moment, when I would normally be sitting in those cosy rooms of yours which I know so well, my thoughts turn to you and your staff, and from our distant quarters out here in the field I send you cordial greetings — Dankl — Pflanzer — Brudermann.
RIEDL (erupting) I don’t believe it! That’s plagiarism! Plagiarism, I tell you! A hoax! Compared with me, you’re like fleas on a dog’s back! I’m not having it! I haven’t given back any decorations yet, and I’ve no intention of doing so, and if Auffenberg doesn’t give me an explanation at once — I’ll keep the lot!
(Change of scene.)
Scene 18
In Vienna’s Deutschmeister barracks.
An elegantly dressed gentleman of about 40 is waiting in a dingy room without any chairs. Enter Sergeant Weiguny.
GENTLEMAN Excuse me — sergeant — I wonder if you could — tell me perhaps — I’ve been standing here for three hours, you see — and nobody has appeared — I’ve been declared unfit for active service, you see — I’ve reported voluntarily before the call-up deadline to be allocated clerical work — and they told me to — stay put — but I must say—
SERGEANT Shut your trap!
GENTLEMAN Yes — certainly — but I would like to — I must — at least, could I just — notify my family — I can’t just — dressed as I am — I need — my toilet things — a toothbrush, a blanket and—
SERGEANT Shut your trap!
GENTLEMAN But — I beg you — forgive me — I came to report — I didn’t know — I must—
SERGEANT You fat bastard, if you say another word I’ll thump you so hard, you’ll—
(The gentleman takes a 10-crown note from his waistcoat and offers it to the sergeant.)
SERGEANT Well, well — look, squire — I really can’t let you go home, no way, but if it’s a blanket you want, leave it to me. (He leaves the room.)
(Enter a cadet from the adjoining room.)
CADET What’s up? Are you the one who was arguing with the sergeant? Hi! Don’t you remember me? Wögerer, from the athletics club—
GENTLEMAN Yes, of course!
CADET Unfit for active service, eh? — Listen, an intelligent fellow like you, what are you doing bandying words with a sergeant?
GENTLEMAN But what can I do? I’ve been standing here for three hours. I’ve got to get home — my people have no idea — I came to register voluntarily—
CADET Well, you’ve really landed yourself in it. Who was it gave you that advice? But if you want to go home, of course you can.
GENTLEMAN Yes, but how do I go about it?
CADET Don’t make me laugh, a distinguished gent like you — I’ll help you — this is what you do — you go to the captain—
GENTLEMAN And he’ll let me go home?
CADET Normally he wouldn’t, of course, he’s very strict, but you simply tell him, and tell him straight out, man to man, don’t be shy (he salutes): “Beg respectfully to report, captain, there’s a girl I need to see.”—Then, just you wait and see, the captain will say — I bet you anything he says: “What, you need to see a girl? Push off then, you filthy swine!” And after that, you can go!