FALLOTA For making himself scarce during the attack?
BEINSTELLER Forgive me, but you’re surely not going to accuse a professional soldier of—
FALLOTA Oh no, of course, you mean the story about the cook burning some dish, and Scharinger sending him into the front line—
BEINSTELLER No, no, it was on account of the coat — didn’t you know? He had moved into where the colonel, Kratochwila von Schlachtentreu, had previously been billeted, then when he moved out again he took with him a coat of the colonel’s that had been left hanging there. Didn’t you know? Well, here’s what happened. The colonel meets him and sees the coat, packed up ready to go. Scharinger finds a pretext, says he thought it belonged to the enemy who had taken it from the castle, and that he was just about to give it back. And the upshot was — well, you can imagine the furore. Anyway, he’ll extricate himself somehow.
FALLOTA I really don’t understand — it’s always the same damned stupid things. I’ve never had any bother with that sort of thing. Of course, if it’s plunder, then fair enough. Especially then! Even Joseph Ferdinand took a lovely carriage and horses, and clerical robes, and some bits of jewellery, too — well, he’s knowledgeable about art, as we know. You know, I got a few nice bits and pieces as well then — I’ve got an eye for it — some really good stuff — there was even a piano, fantastic!
BEINSTELLER Hats off — gotta hand it to you!
FALLOTA Oh, that’s nothing, the general’s wife helped herself to lingerie and clothes from the quarters allocated to her husband, only for her own use, of course, in any case her daughter is provided for by the War Ministry. Those were the days! We just nabbed the grain and the livestock and anything else we needed. It was great fun the whole time — bastinado and all the rest of it. And champagne with everything. But now it’s all gone dead. I can’t say I’m really enjoying myself out here, except for the girls.
BEINSTELLER It seems to me, they’re hankering after another offensive, at least that would make a change.
FALLOTA The last one was such a cock-up. Two thousand wounded and 600 dead — I’m not sentimental, as you know, and I’m all for putting in an effort—
BEINSTELLER It’s a mystery to me as well.
FALLOTA It was all just to be able to report an advance, though we hardly advanced an inch. The men just lay there for four weeks—
BEINSTELLER Exactly. So they consulted their tarot cards again up there, and the cards say: Time to attack! When the men start grumbling about the dried vegetables, it’s time to attack! If only to keep them in practice. Afterwards the idiot Archduke Friedrich says: are you happy with the outcome? And they say: well, the men had nothing else to do anyway. But I must say, high strategy that ain’t, even though no one could ever call me squeamish! But what I say is, if it’s not absolutely necessary — then go easy on the human raw material. As it is, first they squander the fully trained troops, then they send in the ones who’ve just been called up. For instance, the crocks and weaklings who can’t tell a hand grenade from a dung heap. Is that hunky-dory?
FALLOTA They’ll ingratiate themselves with big chief Pflanzer, at any rate.
BEINSTELLER You think?! The colonel sees red if there are too many still alive after a retreat. He once swore at a company: What’s this, why haven’t you all copped it yet? That’s the Pflanzer Baldhin system, say Böhm-Ermolli’s men.
FALLOTA There was a real stink with the wounded the other day. Who’d have thought it would have been such a big issue, there simply weren’t enough ambulances. They’d all gone into town with the generals, to the theatre and so on. They rang through to the town, but not one of them came back. Chaos, I need hardly tell you!
BEINSTELLER They’re nothing but trouble, the wounded.
FALLOTA All the same, they should pay more attention to our men. Give the population a hard time, by all means, that I can understand, but after all we need the troops. This month there were 240 death sentences against civilians, carried out on the spot, it runs like clockwork now.
BEINSTELLER Political suspects?
FALLOTA Politically unreliable, half of them.
BEINSTELLER What did they do?
FALLOTA Oh, subversive activities and the like.
BEINSTELLER No!
FALLOTA I don’t approve of martial law, you know, all that obsessive legal quibbling — and the endless paperwork, so stupid: Sentence passed! Sentence carried out! Have you ever read a legal submission? I haven’t. Once I’ve strapped on my sabre, I’ve no need of that.
BEINSTELLER And you’re meant to be present at executions, too.
FALLOTA Yes, well, at the start I even found that interesting. But now, if I’m in the middle of a game of cards, I just send the ensign. In any case, the sound carries into the room. We’ve a couple of good lawyers from Vienna right now. But still, it’s a hell of a drag. I’ve been put up for the Distinguished Service Cross.
BEINSTELLER Congratulations. By the way, what’s Floderer up to these days? Is he still shooting at his own men?
FALLOTA And how! A year ago they diagnosed general paralysis of the brain — all to no avail. They keep sending him away, and he keeps coming back. How he manages it is a mystery to me. The other day he shot a sergeant the lieutenant had sent to get ammunition, apparently he thought the fellow was beating a retreat. Didn’t ask, just bang — stone dead.
BEINSTELLER One more or one less. In any case, let me tell you, when you’ve been at this game for a year, one more dead is nothing. But the wounded, they’re a real pain. A year from now, when peace comes, there’ll be nothing but one-legged organ-grinders — have your earplugs at the ready! What will we do with them all? Wounded — it’s neither one thing nor the other. What I say is: a hero’s death or nothing, otherwise those fellows have only themselves to blame.
FALLOTA And the blind ones are really repulsive. The ludicrous way they go tap tap tap. The other day I had just arrived at a station coming back from leave, and there were some other ranks laughing and pushing one of them around and driving him up the wall.
BEINSTELLER That’s nothing — you should have seen the division commander the other day, taunting some fellow who had the jitters.
FALLOTA Yes, well, that sort of thing drives you to distraction if you’ve a sensitive nature, but you know what I think in cases like that? War is war, that’s what I think in cases like that.
BEINSTELLER Say, how’s your orderly doing? What age is he now?
FALLOTA Just turned 48. Got a clip round the ear for his birthday yesterday.
BEINSTELLER What is he in civilian life?
FALLOTA Oh, a composer or a philosopher or something like that.
BEINSTELLER Oh, did I tell you, Mayerhofer was in Teschen last week. Big white chief Friedrich has taken to walking round the streets, you know how? With his marshal’s baton!
FALLOTA Does he take it with him when he goes to the privy?
BEINSTELLER Kaiser Willi has just given him another one. Perhaps he takes both.
FALLOTA Ha! It’ll look like he’s on crutches!
BEINSTELLER You know that big Jewess from Vienna, she’s traipsing around down there again, peddling influence like the sainted Egeria — if she were open to negotiations, I’d be up for it—
FALLOTA You’re a glutton for punishment! But yes, me too, I’d be happy to be back spending my evenings in the Gartenbau after mixing with the high and mighty on the Ring.
BEINSTELLER The Gartenbau, eh? I fear that’s not going to work out!
FALLOTA Why’s that?
BEINSTELLER You’ve just been in Vienna and don’t know it’s a hospital now?
FALLOTA Yes, you’re right! (Lost in thought) Of course — but all the same, I’m not badly off here either. I’ve got a piano again, and a table lamp, so no stress—