The Last Days of Mankind

BEINSTELLER You don’t miss stress, mistress, mistress—

FALLOTA Say, I think it’s going to rain.

BEINSTELLER (looks up) Ah, it is raining kittens and puppies. Let’s go.

FALLOTA Heard anything of Doderer? There’s one lucky bugger.

BEINSTELLER Yes, he always was a man-about-town.

FALLOTA About town, you’re telling me — and as far from the front as possible!

(Change of scene.)

Scene 21

A battlefield. Nothing visible. In the distant background occasional puffs of smoke. Two war correspondents in breeches, with field glasses and Kodak cameras.

FIRST WAR CORRESPONDENT You should be ashamed of yourself. You’re no man of action. Look at me, I was in the Balkan War and nothing happened to me! (Ducks.)

SECOND WAR CORRESPONDENT What’s happening? I’m not going a step further.

FIRST It’s nothing. The impact made by the shells. (Ducks.)

SECOND Great God, what was that? (Ducks.)

FIRST A dud, it didn’t explode, so not worth wasting your breath on it.

SECOND God almighty, a dud! Bloody hell, I didn’t think it would be like this!

FIRST Take cover.

SECOND Take what?

FIRST Cover! Give me the field glasses.

SECOND What can you see?

FIRST Autumn crocuses. Reminds me of the Balkan War. Same atmosphere. (He pricks up his ears.)

SECOND What can you hear?

FIRST Ravens. They’re croaking as if they’d got wind of their prey. Same as in the Balkan War. Danger beckons!

SECOND Let’s go.

FIRST Coward! When danger beckons. (A shot.) Good God! Isn’t that our lot over there?

SECOND From the Press Bureau?

FIRST No, our soldiers.

SECOND I thought it was.

FIRST Brave lads. None of them thinking of their nearest and dearest, all of them thinking only of the enemy. What’s that lying there?

SECOND It’s nothing, Italian corpses on the ground in front of our positions.

FIRST Wait! (He takes a photo.) Nothing reminds you that you’re in a war. Nothing you see evokes its misery and hardships, its tribulations and horrors.

SECOND Wait! I got a whiff of the war just now. (A shot.) Let’s go.

FIRST That was nothing. Just some outpost engagement, it seems.

SECOND I wish we’d stayed in Villach — good God, to think I was out partying with the Sascha Film people yesterday — I told you I wasn’t ambitious. The enemy has this spot under observation, you’ll see.

FIRST If you can’t put up with mere skirmishes, I pity you.

SECOND Do you take me for a hero? Am I an Alexander Roda Roda?

FIRST I’m no Ganghofer either, but all I can say is, you should be ashamed of yourself in the presence of Alice Schalek — and here she comes! You can hide over there—

SECOND All right. (He hides. A shot.)

FIRST Actually, I don’t want her to see me either. (He crouches down.)

ALICE SCHALEK (appears, fully equipped with all necessary accoutrements, and says) I want to go out to where the common soldiers are, the nameless ones! (Exit.)

FIRST Well now, there’s someone who can set you a good example. (They rise.) She’s off to the front line, itching to see the enemy trenches being mopped up — impressive, eh!

SECOND Well, that’s women’s work, isn’t it? But what about us?

FIRST And the way she describes being in a hail of bullets — formidable! Don’t you feel ashamed as a man?

SECOND Yes, I know she’s courageous. But my field is the theatre.

FIRST The way she describes the corpses — and the stink of decomposition is no joke!

SECOND That’s not my line.

FIRST Who was mad keen to experience a flank attack in the first place? You! And now you want to turn tail at the sight of a patrol. Before, you never shut up bragging about it—

SECOND We were all carried away at first. But now, a year later—

FIRST You wrote that you wanted to observe the war on the south-west front. Well, observe away, there it is. (Ducks.)

SECOND (ducks) Against Russia it was totally different, we never left the hotel, I’ve no experience in this sort of thing, go ahead and call me a coward, but I tell you I’m going no further!

FIRST But the captain will be here in a minute, he guaranteed nothing will happen.

SECOND But I don’t want to. I’ll send off the article as it stands, you can give me the odd technical term or two.

FIRST You weren’t schooled in the Balkan War, I don’t know how you can’t respond when danger beckons. (Ducks.)

SECOND Do you mind, I do know! I’ve described the intoxication, the blessed waters of oblivion in the jaws of death. You know how satisfied the boss was, the readers’ letters arriving by the lorry load, don’t you remember? After all, I was put up for the Distinguished Service Cross! (Ducks.)

FIRST But I don’t understand how you don’t find it satisfying to convince yourself in person — (a shot.) Good God, what was that?

SECOND You see — if only we were back in the Press Bureau. At least the enemy doesn’t have us in his sights there.

FIRST I’ve the distinct impression that this is the counterattack! Well, so what. Now it’s a matter of standing our ground like soldiers, duty-bound to stay at our post. It was specifically for us the captain arranged for the bridge that had been destroyed to be repaired — now we’re here, we must buck up and make the best of it. C’est la guerre! (Ducks.) I’m all for providing atmosphere and colour, but when it gets serious—only providing atmosphere and colour is no good! In peacetime it was nothing but first nights, now you’re paying for it. Why did you volunteer to be a war correspondent in the first place?

SECOND What d’you mean, are you saying I should have been a soldier?

FIRST Well, at least you owe it to your paper to show the right attitude. There’s a war on.

SECOND I never pretended to be a hero.

FIRST That was the distinct impression anyone reading your last article would have had.

SECOND An article is an article. Please don’t pretend you don’t know that — my God, what was that this time?

FIRST Nothing, a small-calibre, old-system mortar from the IVb flak ammunition supply column.

SECOND Amazing how you know all those technical terms! Isn’t it the one that always goes tsi-tsi?

FIRST You really haven’t a clue. It’s the one that always goes tiu-tiu!

SECOND Then I’ll have to change my text a bit — you know what, I’ll go back now so it goes off sooner. It has to be authorized, too.

FIRST Stay where you are, I tell you. I’m not staying by myself.

SECOND What sense is there in that?

FIRST Look, we mustn’t let ourselves down. The officers are already laughing at us as it is. They’re friendly enough to your face, of course, since they want their name in the papers during an offensive, but I often feel they’re making fun of us during a retreat. I just want to show them for once that I can hold my own. Look, it’s so dull in the Press Bureau—

SECOND Better dull than dangerous.

FIRST Look, is that really what you want in the long run? It’s been going on for a year now. We’re eating out of their hand. They soft-soap us, and all we have to do is put our name under what they tell us. They lie, we sign. I ask you, what sort life is that?