OPTIMIST What have they ever done to you, those old martial types?
GRUMBLER Nothing, except for being martial yet incapable of refusing entry to Mercury’s messengers. Wallowing in blood and muddling up myths to boot! Since when has Mars been the god of commerce and Mercury the god of war?
OPTIMIST Each age wages war in its own way!
GRUMBLER True. But this age lacks the courage to invent emblems for its decline. Do you know what the Ares of this war looks like? Look over there. A fat Jew from the Automobile Corps. His belly: Moloch! His nose: a sickle dripping blood. His eyes agleam, red as carbuncles. He drives up to Demel’s in two Mercedes, each fully equipped with wire cutters. He waddles in as if wrapped in a sleeping bag. He seems to radiate life, but ruin attends every step he takes.
OPTIMIST Do tell me, what have you got against Oppenheimer?
(Meanwhile, the crowd has grown in front of the War Ministry, consisting mainly of German nationalist students and Galician refugees. There are many instances of both types going arm in arm, and suddenly everyone starts discordantly singing: “Staunch stands and true/The Watch on the Rhine.”)
(Nepalleck and Angelo Eisner v. Eisenhof meet.)
V. EISNER My dear Hofrat, your humble servant, how are we? And Prince Montenuovo? We haven’t spoken since that—
NEPALLECK Greetings. Thank you, can’t complain. The Prince is in top form.
V. EISNER The letter of commendation from His Majesty, that was something the Prince fully deserved, must have done his nerves a world of good! Everyone in society thinks the same now—
NEPALLECK Yes, of course — and you, Baron, are you heavily involved? Bending over backwards in your charity work, I imagine—
V. EISNER No, there you overestimate me, my dear Hofrat. I’m beating the retreat, rather. There’s a pack of ambitious young fellows pushing their way forward right now, and I’m happy to leave the field to them. People like that are not to everyone’s taste — so no, I’ve not the slightest intention of — of—
NEPALLECK But in a good cause, Baron, a good cause! If I know you, you won’t want to neglect the whole range of operations entirely, even if — and I understand completely, why — you’ve no desire to sit on all the committees yourself—
V. EISNER No, at the moment I’m only presiding over the Upper House — no, what am I saying? I mean the Landlords’ Association — rushed off my feet, there’s so much to do — Riedl, for instance, he’s not the man he was, as you well know, must have been let down or something, the war just seems to have treated him a bit unkindly — alas, even those most in the public eye have rather lost their bearings, others are pushing to the front—
NEPALLECK Yes, well, it will all settle down again — it’s the same with us—
V. EISNER Yes, we must all be patient. For my part, I’ve had some very bitter experiences. As for charity, thereby hangs a tale, I can tell you. Oh yes, I could certainly feed some stories to the Fackel — if he was the sort of person you would want to be mixed up with, that is. You know, Hofrat, if you sacrifice yourself and do nothing but sacrifice yourself and then not get the slightest bit of thanks — Of course I’m not going to shirk my responsibilities, God forbid — my friends Harrach, Schönborn, and the others still give their parties, they still send me invitations — why, only yesterday Pipsi Starhemberg — you know Pipsi who’s with Maritschl Wurmbrand now—
NEPALLECK Go on, I thought he was with Mädi Kinsky—
V. EISNER No, no, what are you thinking of, Bubi Windischgrätz has the field to himself there — you know, Bubi who’s a major in the Guards now — anyhow, as I was saying, they come at you from all sides, it was only yesterday that Mappl Hohenlohe said to me at mass — you know Mappl whose girl is a Schaffgotsch — Why do we see you so rarely these days, he said. My dear Mappl, I said, the times they are changing, look at who’s calling the shots these days, I don’t understand how you can all play along with people like that. For my part, I like nothing better than peace and quiet. In a word, somewhere you’re not recognized. Do you know what he said to that, Hofrat? You’re right, he said! There I entirely agree with Montschi. Of course I regularly do my bit, but do I need to put myself about? No, that’s not me at all. I’ve never sought public recognition. But you know, you can find yourself innocently at a Te Deum one day, and the next you’re listed in the paper among those present!
NEPALLECK It’s maddening, I know. At least I’ve now managed to insist that if they must print my name, it should be my full name. Not just always Hofrat Nepalleck, or Hofrat Wilhelm Nepalleck, but — since my name is actually Wilhelm Friedrich — Hofrat Friedrich Wilhelm Nepalleck. Just the thing at the moment, eh? I might as well move to Potsdam—
V. EISNER That’s splendid! But — move to Potsdam? Would you really want to?
NEPALLECK Of course not, I only mean because of the Special Relationship. Me — leave the Prince! To this day the Prince is full of gratitude for my arranging Franz Ferdinand’s funeral.
V. EISNER And very fine it was, too!
NEPALLECK Fine but restrictive — as befits a Funeral Third Class—
V. EISNER But another first-class triumph for you. It was really frightfully nice, over there at the Southern Railway Station. (He greets a passerby.) Was that not one of the Lobkowitzes? He’ll be complaining again that I never recognize him — of course out in Artstetten — well, alas, it was a bit obvious that you had no hand in that, it was all rather vulgar.
NEPALLECK Of course — because they made it impossible for us! The Belvedere people couldn’t be talked out of it. Oh, it wasn’t for lack of trying. I insisted: according to Spanish ceremonial, let’s make no bones about it! But at Artstetten, alas, they did start picking bones about it because those gentlemen were so stubborn.
V. EISNER What happened?
NEPALLECK Well, there was a storm, and the fire-brigade people ate their lunch beside their Highnesses’ coffins in the main hall of the freight depot — where the coffins had been put — and they smoked their cigars, it was a real scandal — anyhow, as you know, it wasn’t our fault, it was all so beautifully solemn at the Railway Station.
V. EISNER I can see it now, I was standing between Cary Auersperg and Poldi. Haven’t seen either of them since that historic moment.
NEPALLECK Yes, we did everything possible. But His Majesty’s letter of commendation will have stuck in certain unmentionable gentlemen’s throats: “In constant accord with my intentions.” And above all the recognition that the Prince — in other words, we — went to such enormous trouble with the funeral. I know it off by heart: “In recent days the passing of My beloved Nephew, Archduke Franz Ferdinand, to whom you were so staunchly and loyally bound—”
V. EISNER That kills two birds with one stone.
NEPALLECK Exactly. “—has confronted you, my dear Prince, with the most exceptional demands and presented you once again with the opportunity—”
V. EISNER The Prince must certainly be happy that the passing presented him with the opportunity. One understands only too well.
NEPALLECK Just so. “—to give abundant proof of your selfless dedication to My Person and My House.” There you have it! Plus effusive thanks and deep gratitude for outstanding loyal service, what more can you want, certain gentlemen will surely have been green with envy.
V. EISNER His Majesty’s letter of commendation will surely not have been entirely unexpected by the Prince.