Too short!
(Further shots at some distance behind the plane. The Kaiser nods, pondering.)
Yes, when you have wings, the others always arrive too late. Go on, eat, Ganghofer.
(Pause, while Ganghofer eats. Suddenly the Kaiser turns to the poet and says to him in a hushed voice, firmly and slowly, stressing every word:)
Ganghofer — what — do you — say — to — Italy?
(Ganghofer only manages to reply after a pause, when he has finished eating.)
GANGHOFER Your Majesty, since it has happened, it’s better for Austria and for us. Tabula rasa — always the best furniture in an honest household — makes a clean sweep of it.
(The Kaiser nods. Breathes a sigh of relief and straightens up.)
AIDE-DE-CAMP (under his breath, to Ganghofer) Dialect! Dialect!
KAISER Well, Ganghofer, have you got another nice article ready? Let’s hear it — eh!
GANGHOFER At your service, Majesty, but unfortunately it’s partly in High German—
AIDE-DE-CAMP (under his breath) Dialect!
KAISER Doesn’t matter. Don’t worry, read it out.
GANGHOFER The introduction is in the Swabian dialect, Majesty.
KAISER So much the better, delightful, read.
GANGHOFER (takes a manuscript from his pocket and reads)
“Halfway there we hear that the first enemy trench in front of the ring of fortifications around Rozan has already been taken. It was a real coup, delivered by the Swabians. A fellow from Stuttgart coming along the road towards us, his arm in a white sling, says to me laughing (broad dialect): We’ve taken the first trench. The going really got tough. We were sweating like oxen. The Russians fairly pelted us with grenades. But so what! We’ve taken the trench! That’s all that matters!”
KAISER Capital, Ganghofer.
GANGHOFER (continues reading) “I avail myself of the early morning to visit a well-developed little cousin of our hardworking Big Bertha. (The Kaiser laughs.) Still a young girl! And yet already bursting with astonishing energy! Her little mouth lies some four metres above my hairline. (The Kaiser laughs heartily.) And what a voice! You’d need to stuff your ears with cotton wool if you don’t want your eardrums to burst. When she starts to boom out her thunderous song — a song to the inventive talent and power of the Germans — she spits a jet of flame long as a ship’s mast from her throat, and if you’re standing behind our little musical cousin (the Kaiser roars with laughter), you’d see a black disk getting smaller and smaller as it flies straight up in the air to a height 100 church spires piled one on top of the other wouldn’t reach. And many seconds later all hell breaks loose in the Russian fortress of Rozan, belching smoke and fire. Quite a performer, our German iron maiden! (The Kaiser slaps his thigh with his left hand, laughing.) I take my leave of her with a feeling of enhanced confidence and supreme satisfaction, take the cotton wool from my ears after 400 paces, and find that the splendid girl’s voice now sounds wonderfully melodious. (The Kaiser gives a wolfish laugh.) I acknowledge that this is a decidedly subjective judgment. I suspect that if I were commandant of the fortress of Rozan, I would think very differently.”
KAISER (who by the end has been listening and beaming, with eyes ablaze, now slaps his thigh repeatedly with his left hand) Priceless! Bravo, Ganghofer, you’ve hit the bull’s eye. Lauff serenaded Big Bertha and you pay court to her little cousin, hilarious! Killingly funny! But eat, Ganghofer, you’re not eating—
(Ganghofer eats. The Kaiser, on impulse, goes to him and whispers something in his ear. Ganghofer gives a start, a piece of biscuit falls from his mouth, his face is suffused with rapture and an expression of confidentiality. He puts a finger to his lips, as if to intimate silence. The Kaiser does likewise.)
GANGHOFER Another bond to unite us, forged in the steel bath!
KAISER But to be revealed only on the day of fulfilment!
GANGHOFER And that day shall come!
KAISER Eat, Ganghofer!
(Ganghofer eats. An orderly brings him a message.)
GANGHOFER From Mackensen! (He reads in joyous excitement.) “Come as soon as possible. We have taken the Russian positions at Tarnów—”
AIDE-DE-CAMP (under his breath) Dialect!
GANGHOFER —“Tomorrow Lemberg falls.” Yippy! (He begins a Bavarian harvesters’ dance. Then, collecting himself, earnestly, eyes upturned heavenward.) Majesty!
KAISER Well, what is it Ganghofer? Go on, dance away!
GANGHOFER Must I still keep it secret?
KAISER Why, what’s up?
GANGHOFER What Your Majesty has just confided to me — my heart can hold back no longer — that Majesty (bursting out) has promised three waggons of Bavarian beer for our brave Austrian troops!
KAISER All right, go ahead, tell the world! Let them hear there’ll be something good to drink coming from that bounteous Bavaria of yours! But you yourself — eat, Ganghofer, do eat!
GANGHOFER (eats and dances about at the same time, the Kaiser pats his aide-de-camp on the bottom, the photographer takes photos. The entourage prepares to leave. As the Kaiser is getting into the car, waving good-bye to Ganghofer once more, the horn sounds: toot toot — toot toot—. While this continues to be heard from a distance, Ganghofer dances on. Then he stops, and says in a completely changed tone of voice:) That’ll make a good editorial!
(Change of scene.)
Scene 24
Chief of the General Staff’s room.
Conrad v. Hötzendorf alone. Attitude: arms crossed, weight on one foot, dangling the other, pensive.
CONRAD (eyes raised heavenward) If only Skolik were here now!
MAJOR (enters) Beg pardon, Your Excellency, Skolik has arrived.
CONRAD Skolik? Who’s Skolik?
MAJOR Skolik, the court photographer from Vienna, the one who took that nice shot during the Balkan War — of Your Excellency poring over the map of the Balkans.
CONRAD Oh yes, I’ve some dark recollection.
MAJOR No, it was very clear, Excellency, very well lit.
CONRAD Yes, yes, I remember, it was glorious.
MAJOR He claims Your Excellency had made an appointment for him to come back.
CONRAD Well, hardly an appointment, I simply dropped a hint, since the fellow really does take nice pictures. From what he wrote, he’s been plagued by the illustrateds, that picture of me was apparently a great success, in short—
MAJOR He also asked if he could take a photo of the generals while he’s here.
CONRAD I don’t much care for that! Let them get their own photographers.
MAJOR He says their faces are of no interest, it would only be of their uniforms and medals.
CONRAD Ah, that’s different. Show him in, then, this Skolik fellow. Wait a minute — should I be immersed in the map of the Balkans again? — That was extraordinarily impressive — or maybe Italy for a change?—
MAJOR That’s certainly more appropriate at this time.
(Conrad spreads out the map and tries out various poses. When the photographer enters with the major, he is already immersed in the map of the Italian front. The photographer gives a deep bow. The major comes and stands beside the table. He and Conrad stare fixedly at the map.)
CONRAD What is it now? Can I not have a minute’s peace — I’m in the middle of—