(The major winks at the photographer.)
SKOLIK Just a quick photo, a one-off, Your Excellency, if I may be so bold.
CONRAD Here I am, busy making world history, and you come—
SKOLIK It’s for Das Interessante Blatt, you see, they want—
CONRAD Aha, a memento for posterity—
SKOLIK Yes, and for Die Woche too.
CONRAD But if one winds up stuck between the generals in the same picture, I’ve been through all that before. I’d sooner—
SKOLIK No, Excellency, Your Excellency can rest totally assured — in view of Your Excellency’s immortal name, it goes without saying that Your Excellency will appear as a totally separate picture. The others will all be lumped together as “Our glorious military leaders” or under some such label, and individually on picture postcards at best.
CONRAD Is that so? All right, then. Incidentally, don’t forget Höfer, there’s the clever one — gets his extra 20,000 crowns active service allowance for the pleasure of reading his name every time he buys an extra edition on the Ring.
SKOLIK Duly noted, Your Excellency. Of course. He’ll be right at the front.
CONRAD What, at the front? Let’s not get carried away! Where would you fit me in, then? Not too conspicuous, my dear fellow, not too conspicuous, and not with the others, you follow me, keep it discreet! Discreet!
SKOLIK A space has already been specifically reserved for Your Excellency. The cover picture in Die Woche. A very interesting number. I’ve still got to do the mannequins from the Wiener Werkstätte and one of Treumann, but I’ve been told there’ll also definitely be one of His Majesty, the German Emperor, on a boar hunt, one never shown before, and right beside that a sensational one of His Majesty in conversation with the poet Ganghofer. So, I can assure Your Excellency—
CONRAD All right, not bad, not bad — but just at the moment, my dear friend, I’m rather tied up — couldn’t you come back a bit later — you see, and I’m telling you this in strict confidence, you mustn’t repeat it, I’m studying the map of the Balkans right now — ah, what am I saying, I mean of Italy—
(The major winks at the photographer, who is about to withdraw.)
SKOLIK What perfect timing! — A moment of profound deliberation that I must surely attempt to capture. I can already see the inscription: Chief of Staff Conrad v. Hötzendorf, with his adjutant Major Rudolf Kundmann, study the map of the Balkans — ah, what am I saying, I mean of the Italian front. Will that do, Excellency?
CONRAD Go ahead, I don’t mind — since Kundmann can hardly wait—
(He stares fixedly at the map, as does the major who has not moved an inch. Both stroke their moustaches.)
Will it take long?
SKOLIK Just one historical moment, if I may be so bold—
CONRAD So should I go on studying the map of the — the map of Italy?
SKOLIK Please feel quite free, Excellency, just go on studying the maps — that’s it — at your ease — unforced — let’s see, now — no, that was a little bit unnatural, people might just think it was posed — Major, if you’d be so good, a little bit further back — the head — that’s fine — no, Excellency, more casual — and more staunch, please, staunch! — The look of a Field Marshal, if you’d be so kind! — after all, it’s meant to be — yes, that’s it — it’s meant to be a lasting histrio — a lasting historical memento of this age of grandeur — yes, perfect — except — just a teeny bit — yes, exactly — Your Excellency, scowl please! So — now — that’s it, thank you!
(Change of scene.)
Scene 25
Vienna, on the Ring
PROFITEER You know who’s completely disappeared?
LANDLORD I know, Kraus and his Fackel.
PROFITEER How did you guess! I often think to myself: no more of those flimsy little red mags, no more public readings — and I haven’t seen the man himself for ages.
LANDLORD Don’t mention Kraus to me — that man has no ideals, it’s common knowledge. You forget I know his brother-in-law.
PROFITEER I know him in person.
LANDLORD You know him in person?
PROFITEER Certainly! I see him go past every day.
LANDLORD That’s no association to be proud of. Mudslinger — scoffer — never anything constructive — wants to rewrite the world, full of himself! — Look, I know what it’s like, I used to criticize everything myself when I was younger, I was impossible to please. Till my horns were clipped. His horns will be blunted soon.
PROFITEER His spirits do seem dampened.
LANDLORD There, you see! I’ve heard he’s ready to retire.
PROFITEER And why not? I’m sure he’s lined his pocket nicely.
LANDLORD Lined his pocket—! He’s slumped to this size! He’s washed up, I tell you. Depend upon it. It’s obvious. Harden didn’t stop when the war came. The things he writes about are more important, that’s why — (stops.) They cut a dash, those German officers, more than ours do.
PROFITEER Of course, now when he really should be writing, he stops writing!
LANDLORD But how can he write?
PROFITEER You mean, because of the censorship? Oh, come on! A skilful pen like his — and you have to admit he does wield a skilful pen — he should be able to—
LANDLORD Not because of the censorship — he’s simply not up to it. He’s written himself out. Depend upon it. And besides — he must realize people have other worries these days. Sure, it was quite amusing in peacetime — but now people aren’t in a mood to see everything picked to pieces. Wait and see, he’ll soon lower his sights. You know what would serve him right — if they conscripted him! Off to the front! Let him show his stuff there! All he can do is grumble. (The Grumbler passes by. They both greet him.)
PROFITEER What a coincidence! So you know him in person too? How is that?
LANDLORD Only slightly, from a reading, I’m happy if I don’t have to see him. One doesn’t want any dealings with people like that. (Fanto passes by. They both greet him.)
BOTH (simultaneously, awestruck) Fanto.
LANDLORD (wrapt in thought) Great man!
PROFITEER Why doesn’t he give readings? That would bring in a pretty penny.
LANDLORD (as if jolted awake) Who? — Oh yes — of course — Marcell Salzer is even touring around Belgium, I read only today, he’s going from there to the army in France, and after that to headquarters and Hindenburg’s troops.
PROFITEER Yes, and Hindenburg even wrote to him. He’ll have a tale to tell! Did you read today about the incendiary shells that self-ignite in the air that they’ve been lobbing into Reims for the last 10 months? They don’t let up! Working away! I can well imagine, can’t you, that, come evening, they’ll want to listen to Salzer.
LANDLORD Pity about Reims — that cathedral business!
PROFITEER Listen, don’t take that line with me! When it’s been established that we were dealing with a strategic military stronghold, then, excuse me, but it’s pure hypocrisy on the part of the French. Sheltering behind a cathedral, what next! Don’t talk to me about those scoundrels!
LANDLORD No need to bite my head off, you know! What did I say? You seem to think I don’t know as well as you who the barbarians are. You can still feel sorry about the cathedral, though! As a property developer—
PROFITEER Ah, that’s different. It’s just that I can’t stand it when people get sentimental in wartime, especially when it’s all a notorious ruse! War is war, and that’s all there is to it.