WAGENKNECHT (as if waking from a daze, to Sedlatschek) Sedlatschek, listen—
SEDLATSCHEK (approaches) Say, you’ve taken your time—
WAGENKNECHT No, no, I wanted to go, but then this Jew boy comes up and starts blathering away—
HANS MÜLLER (suddenly transformed) So is it a crime now to invite you to the Bristol purely out of sympathy for our brotherhood in arms? Who d’you think you are? D’you think I’m impressed? Getting on your high horse! As if! Don’t expect me to salute you, not a chance! I wanted to talk to you for an article I have to write for next Sunday on the Special Relationship — now, you can go whistle for it! (Exit.)
WAGENKNECHT (following him with his eyes in astonishment) Well, the types you meet in this wonderful Vienna of yours! The fellow looks like a Jew and babbles gibberish from the age of chivalry before there were any Jews. He’s a journalist, and he kissed me! Instead of being taken care of by some Viennese lovely, I have to put up with that! For heaven’s sake, I’m beginning to wonder if the price we paid for taking Warsaw wasn’t too high!
FEMALE NEWSPAPER VENDOR Ex-tra-aa edi-shun—! Dscherman claims! All lied fictory!
SEDLATSCHEK You ’eard ’er, you seez ’er, there’s yer Viennese lovely!
(Change of scene.)
Scene 26
South-western front. Military post at a height of over 2,500 metres. The table is decorated with flowers and trophies.
LOOKOUT They’re here already!
ALICE SCHALEK (leading a group of war correspondents) I see they’ve prepared a ceremonial reception for us. Flowers! Doubtless intended for my gentlemen colleagues, while the trophies are for me! My brave warriors, I thank you! We’ve advanced as far as this post, which is not saying much, but still. It’s something to have been at least observed by the enemy. My dearest wish — to have visited an exposed position — the commandant could not fulfil, alas, since it might have alarmed the enemy, he said.
SOLDIER (spits and says) G’day.
ALICE SCHALEK Goodness, how fascinating! There he sits, like a painting, if he didn’t give any sign of life you’d say it was a Defregger, no, what am I saying, an Egger-Lienz! I do believe he’s even giving us a sly sidelong glance. The common man, as he lives and breathes! Let me tell you of our adventures, my brave warriors, before we made it through to you. The valley road, normally so full of activity, is indisputably in the hands of the War Press Bureau. Up on the pass, for the first time I felt something like satisfaction seeing the way a Dolomite hotel had been transformed into military quarters. Where are they now, those signoras with their painted faces and clouds of lace, and where has the Italian hotelier gone off to? Disappeared without trace. Ah, how that raises the spirits! The officer who was guiding us gave some thought to which peak would be the most convenient for us. He suggested the one that was least under fire, and my gentlemen colleagues were of course in agreement, but I said: no, you can count me out; so that’s why we eventually came up here. That’s the least we could do. But now answer me just this one question: Why did I never see any of the splendid characters before the war that I now meet daily? The common man is quite simply a sight for sore eyes! In the city — God, how boring! Here, each one is unforgettable. Where is the officer?