‘Thank you!’ said Maltcassion, reaching round to lick the wound with a tongue the size of a mattress. ‘That’s been annoying me for about four centuries.’
I threw the rusty sword away.
‘You may help yourself to some gold or jewels by way of payment, Miss Strange.’
‘I require no payment, sir.’
‘Really? I thought all mankind gravitated towards things that were shiny? I’m not saying it’s necessarily a bad thing, but when it comes to species development, it could be limiting.’
‘I’m not here for money. I’m here to do the right thing.’
‘Principled as well as fearless!’ murmured Maltcassion with a chuckle. ‘Quite a Dragonslayer! My name is Maltcassion, Miss Strange. You have a good heart. We were right to wait for you. You may leave now.’
‘Wait for me?’ I asked. ‘What do you mean?’
But he had finished speaking. He closed his jewel-like eyes and shuffled to get more comfortable. I couldn’t think of anything more to say so I just stared at this huge untidy heap that was the rarest animal on the entire planet. Considering the amount of time and effort spent on the protection of endangered species such as pandas, snow-leopards and Buzonjis, I suddenly became perplexed and not a little angry that here was a creature of extraordinary nobility and intelligence that everyone actually wanted to die so they could grab some land.
‘It’s a PR thing,’ said the Dragon, half to itself.
‘Sorry?’
‘It’s a public relations thing,’ he said again, opening his eyes and staring at me. ‘Why do people spend millions trying to save dolphins, yet eat tuna by the bucketful. Isn’t that what you were thinking of?’
‘You can read my thoughts?’
‘Only when someone feels passionately about something. Ordinary thoughts are pretty dull. Powerful ideas have a life of their own, they carry on, unshakeable, from person to person. Wouldn’t you agree?’
He didn’t wait for an answer, but carried on.
‘Elephants, gorillas, Buzonjis, dolphins, snow-leopards, Shridloos, tigers, lions, cheetahs, whales, seals, manatees, orang-utans, pandas—what have all these got in common?’
‘They’re all endangered.’
‘Apart from that.’
‘They’re all pretty big?’ I hazarded.
‘They’re all mammals,’ said Maltcassion contemptuously. ‘You seem to be making this planet into an exclusive mammals-only club. If seal cubs were as ugly as the average reptile, I wonder if you’d bother with them at all. But those big eyes and the cute barking and the soft fur, well, they just melt your little mammalian heart, don’t they?’
‘There are other non-mammals that are protected,’ I argued, but Maltcassion wasn’t impressed.
‘Window dressing, nothing more. No one much cares about the reptiles, bugs or fishes, unless, of course, they look nice. Seems a pretty crummy method of selecting species for survival, doesn’t it to you? If you want to redress your overtly mammal supremacist attitudes, I should ban the words “cuddly”, “cute” and “fluffy”, for a start.’
‘At least we’re doing something,’ I pleaded.
‘If your idea of something is helping less than one hundredth of one per cent of the world’s species, then you all deserve a medal. There are six great apes—all of which you merit of special attention—but over six hundred different varieties of the floon beetle alone.’
‘Floon beetle?’ I queried. ‘I’ve never even heard of a floon beetle.’
‘And that’s my point,’ said Maltcassion triumphantly. ‘You lot haven’t even discovered one, let alone the other five hundred and ninety-nine. And a floon beetle is a fascinating creature. One variety turns itself inside out purely for kicks and giggles, and another has the power of invisibility. A third secretes an enzyme that will convert raw marzipan to usable Almondoleum without the need for vast distillation plants. They are the most singular creatures on this planet, and yet mankind knows nothing about them at all. Do you see what I mean?’
‘Floon beetle, eh?’ I mused.
‘You know,’ he went on, after lapsing into silence for a few moments, ‘if someone asked me to sum up all complex life on Earth in two words, do you know what I’d say?’
I shook my head.
‘Mainly insects.’
I couldn’t think of much to say about this, so I asked instead:
‘Can I come and see you again?’
‘Why?’
‘To ask you some questions.’
‘Why?’
‘So we might know more about Dragons.’
‘Humans,’ he scoffed. ‘Always so inquiring about stuff. Never satisfied with the status quo. It will be your downfall, but oddly enough, it’s also one of your more endearing features.’
‘Do we have any others?’
‘Oh yes, plenty.’
‘Such as?’
‘Well, counting in base ten is pretty wild, for a start,’ he said after giving the subject a moment’s thought. ‘Base twelve is far superior. You also have extraordinary technical abilities, a terrific sense of humour, thumbs, being built inside out—’
‘Wait! Being built inside out?’
‘Of course. As far as the average lobster is concerned, mammals—with the possible exception of the armadillo—are built inside out. Any crab worth his claws will tell you the soft stuff should definitely be on the inside. Bones in the middle? Whoever designed you was having a serious off day.’
I thought about this for a moment as Maltcassion continued:
‘Pretty daft, wouldn’t you agree? If I was looking for a transfer I’d be going towards the crustaceans; the crabs, lobsters, shrimps and so forth. Put it this way: if you lost a limb, would it grow back?’
‘No.’
‘Mine neither, but if we were a member of the crustacean family we could expect a new limb the following year. Mind you, if we’re talking about regeneration we could go a step farther and take a leaf out of the sponge book. There are sponges you can chop to pieces, whizz up in the blender and then press through a sieve, and they’ll still regenerate.’
‘Useful, maybe,’ I replied, ‘but I think there is a limit to the amount of fun you could have as a sponge.’
‘I think you have something there,’ conceded the Dragon. ‘I’m not sure that crabs and lobsters are exactly funsters either. I was once told a joke by a crab and it was really dire; something about two shrimps going on holiday and one leaves his case on the train—I forget the details.’
‘I never thought about crabs having a sense of humour.’
‘Well, they do. You wouldn’t walk sideways for any other reason, would you?’
‘I guess not.’
‘Lobsters are more serious and cultured. Hermit crabs don’t say much but think a great deal. Horseshoe crabs are frankly a bit dim, but shrimps and prawns, well, they just love to party.’
‘You seem to know a lot about animals.’
‘I’m always surprised that you lot don’t take more interest in other creatures. It’s like living in a street and not knowing your next-door neighbour. If I were human I’d start investing in a little kindness. When the arthropods rule the planet all those lobster dishes and crab sticks could well be a cause of some regret. The Blessed Ladies of the Lobster might be a figure of fun right now, but in 1.8 billion years’ time, during the Rise of the Lobsters, everyone will be clamouring to join.’