Now the Kite stopped. In a very dynamic sort of way.
The gods looked down.
A hatch opened in the strange wooden bird. It fell off and rolled a little way.
The gods saw a figure get out. He appeared, in many ways, to be a hero, except that he was far too clean.
He looked around, removed his helmet and saluted.
‘Good afternoon, O mighty ones,’ he said. ‘I do apologise, but this should not take long. And may I take this opportunity to say on behalf of the people of the Disc that you are doing a wonderful job here.’
He marched towards the Horde, past the astonished gods, and stopped in front of Cohen.
‘Cohen the Barbarian?’
‘What’s it to you?’ said Cohen, mystified.
‘I am Captain Carrot of the Ankh-Morpork City Watch, and I hereby arrest you on a charge of conspiracy to end the world. You need not say anything —’
‘I don’t intend to say anything,’ said Cohen, raising his sword. ‘I’m just gonna cut your — ing head off.’
‘Hold it, hold it,’ said Boy Willie urgently. ‘Do you know who we all are?’
‘Yessir. I believe so. You are Boy Willie, aka Mad Bill, Wilhelm the Chopper, the Great —’
‘And you are going to arrest us? You say you are some kind of a watchman?’
‘That is correct, sir.’
‘We must’ve killed hundreds of watchmen in our time, lad!’
‘I’m sorry to hear that, sir.’
‘’Ow much do they pay you, boy?’ said Caleb.
‘Forty-three dollars a month, Mr Ripper. With allowances.’
The Horde burst out laughing. Then Carrot drew his sword.
‘I must insist, sir. What you are planning to do will destroy the world.’
‘Only this bit, lad,’ said Cohen. ‘Now you could go off home and —’
‘I’m being patient, sir, out of respect for your grey hairs.’
There was a further burst of laughing and Mad Hamish had to be slapped on the back.
‘Just a moment, boys,’ said Mrs McGarry quietly. ‘Are we thinking this one through? Look around you.’
They looked around.
‘Well?’ Cohen demanded.
‘There’s me, and you,’ said Vena, ‘and Truckle and Boy Willie and Hamish and Caleb and the minstrel,’
‘So? So?’
‘That’s seven,’ said Vena, ‘Seven of us, against one of him. Seven against one. And he thinks he’s going to save the world. And he knows who we are and he’s still going to fight us…’
‘You think he’s a hero?’ cackled Mad Hamish. ‘Hah! Wha’ kind o’ hero works for forty-three dollars a month? Plus allowances!’
But the cackle was all alone in the sudden quietness. The Horde could calculate the peculiar mathematics of heroism quite quickly.
There was, there always was, at the start and finish… the Code. They lived by the Code. You followed the Code, and you became part of the Code for those who followed you. The Code was it. Without the Code, you weren’t a hero. You were just a thug in a loincloth.
The Code was quite clear. One brave man against seven… won. They knew it was true. In the past, they’d all relied on it. The higher the odds, the greater the victory. That was the Code.
Forget the Code, dismiss the Code, deny the Code… and the Code would take you.
They looked down at Captain Carrot’s sword. It was short, sharp and plain. It was a working sword. It had no runes on it. No mystic gleam twinkled on its edge.
If you believed in the Code, that was worrying. One simple sword in the hands of a truly brave man would cut through a magical sword like suet.
It wasn’t a frightening thought, but it was a thought.
‘Funny thing,’ said Cohen, ‘but I heard tell once that down in Ankh-Morpork there’s some watchman who’s really heir to the throne but keeps very quiet about it because he likes being a watchman…’
Oh dear, thought the Horde. Kings in disguise… that was Code material, right there.
Carrot met Cohen’s gaze.
‘Never heard of him,’ he said.
‘To die for forty-three dollars a month,’ said Cohen, holding the gaze, ‘a man’s got to be very, very stupid or very, very brave…’
‘What’s the difference?’ said Rincewind, stepping forward. ‘Look, I don’t want to break up a moment of drama or anything, but he’s not joking. If that… keg explodes here, it will destroy the world. It’ll… open a sort of hole and all the magic will drain away.’
‘Rincewind?’ said Cohen. ‘What’re you doing here, you old rat?’
‘Trying to save the world,’ said Rincewind. He rolled his eyes. ‘Again.’
Cohen looked uncertain, but heroes don’t back down easily, even in the face of the Code.
‘It’ll really all blow up?’
‘Yes!’
‘’S not much of a world,’ Cohen muttered. ‘Not any more…’
‘What about all the dear little kittens —’ Rincewind began.
‘Puppies,’ hissed Carrot, not taking his eyes off Cohen.
‘Puppies, I mean. Eh? Think of them.’
‘Well. What about them?’
‘Oh… nothing.’
‘But everyone will die,’ said Carrot.
Cohen shrugged his skinny shoulders. ‘Everyone dies, sooner or later. So we’re told.’
‘There will be no one left to remember,’ said the minstrel, as if he was talking to himself. ‘If there’s no one left alive, no one will remember.’
The Horde looked at him.
‘No one will remember who you were or what you did,’ he went on. ‘There will be nothing. No more songs. No one will remember.’
Cohen sighed, ‘All right, then let’s say supposing I don’t —’
‘Cohen?’ said Truckle, in an unusually worried voice. ‘You know a few minutes ago, where you said “press the plunger”?’
‘Yes?’
‘You meant I shouldn’t’ve?’
The keg was sizzling.
‘You pressed it?’ said Cohen.
‘Well, yes! You said.’
‘Can we stop it?’
‘No,’ said Rincewind.
‘Can we outrun it?’
‘Only if you can think of a way to run ten miles really, really fast,’ said Rincewind.
‘Gather round, lads! Not you, minstrel boy, this is sword stuff…’ Cohen beckoned the other heroes, and they went into a hurried huddle. It didn’t seem to take long.
‘Right,’ said Cohen, as they straightened up. ‘You got all our names down right, Mr Bard?’
‘Of course —’
‘Then let’s go, lads!’
They heaved the keg back on to Hamish’s wheelchair. Truckle half turned as they started to push it.
‘Here, bard! You sure you made a note of that bit where I—?’
‘We are leaving!’ shouted Cohen, grabbing him. ‘See you later, Mrs McGarry’
She nodded, and stood back. ‘You know how it is,’ she said sadly. ‘Great-grandchildren on the way and everything…’
The wheelchair was already moving fast. ‘Get ’em to name one after me!’ yelled Cohen as he leapt aboard.
‘What’re they doing?’ said Rincewind as the chair rolled down the street towards the far gates.
‘They’ll never get it down from the mountain quickly enough!’ said Carrot, starting to run.
The chair passed through the arch at the end of the street and rattled over the icy rocks.
As they hurried after it, Rincewind saw it bounce out and into ten miles of empty air. He thought he heard the last words, as the downward plunge began: ‘Aren’t we supposed to shout somethinggggg…’