Couldn’t that woman there shut her trap! But of course, it was Ulrika of Västergöhl, and no one as yet had made her shut up. Perhaps not even an earthquake would do it. Maybe God on doomsday might.
Karl Oskar had lost his power of speech. He tried to moisten his lips with his tongue, but his tongue was as dry as his lips. At last, with great effort, he managed to stutter forth a few words — he thanked Ulrika for her help at the doctor’s.
That was all he managed; and what more could he say?
What does a man say at the moment when he is forever banished from his wife?
— 2—
A lumberjack from Center City was to ride back with them on their sleigh, so Karl Oskar and Kristina could not talk about Dr. Farnley on the way home. No words on the subject passed between them until they were ready to go to bed that evening. Since they had moved into the new house, they had each occupied a bed in the large room, while the children slept in the gable room and the kitchen. Tonight the children were asleep and the house had grown silent.
Karl Oskar began, “How was it at the doctor’s?”
Kristina was unbuttoning her blouse; she swallowed a little. “It was horrible and repulsive.”
“Did he hurt you. .?”
“The doctor was very gentle, but I guess he had to hurt me. Oh, I was so embarrassed I had to force myself. . No one lets himself be treated that way for the fun of it! Don’t ask me to talk about it!”
“You needn’t, Kristina. .”
He went on: Perhaps he had worried as much as she about this trip to the doctor. He had been afraid it might be some incurable disease. Now he felt relieved, for hadn’t the doctor told Ulrika that the bleedings and the pain might be relieved? If they followed the doctor’s instructions, she might regain her health and strength.
“Didn’t Ulrika tell you everything?”
“Yes, yes of course. .”
“Then you know: I’m no good any more. I’m a useless woman.”
“But you’ll get your health back — that’s the only thing that matters.”
“But I’m no use to you, Karl Oskar. I’m discarded. .” Her voice thickened in a cry.
“You heard me — only one thing matters. .”
“I’m a useless woman, you’ve no wife any longer, Karl Oskar.”
She sat down heavily on her bed; her body trembled and slumped down. The tears came. She threw herself on her stomach and hid her face.
For many years Karl Oskar had not seen his wife cry. In every situation she had remained calm and controlled. But today, at the doctor’s, she had experienced something entirely new. Tonight her strength had deserted her.
“You must be terribly tired, I’m sure. .”
He sat down beside her on the bed and put his arm around her shoulder. Her crying was muffled, almost soundless. She tried to choke back her tears but they flowed evenly, quietly.
He said nothing; it would do no good just now, this he understood. But all the time he kept his arm on her shoulder; she must know he was there with her, ready to help.
Kristina’s hand sought his. Silent, they knew each other’s thoughts. So it had been many times. Perhaps they understood each other best in silence. In speech they had difficulty in finding words, in speech they never came close enough. But in a moment like this there was no need for words; between them was nothing left that words could explain.
In moments when there was nothing to say they came closest to each other. Then they felt most strongly what they meant to each other.
At last she made a decisive motion and sat up. Her tears had stopped. “I ought to feel ashamed — old woman that I am! I shouldn’t be a crybaby any more!”
“There’s no shame in tears if one needs them.”
She looked at him with wide, glazed eyes where the tears quivered. “I’m so sad about my uselessness — that’s why I cried.”
“You shouldn’t reproach yourself. No one is to blame. No one can help it.”
“There must never be another time. . we must never. . that’s why we must. .”
“I know,” he interrupted, and looked away. “Ulrika has made it quite clear to me.”
“The doctor forbids us to be together. . we must stay away from each other. . Did you hear that, Karl Oskar?”
“Yes, I heard it. .”
“What do you think. .?”
What could he say? Need he say anything? She knew so well what he thought.
Those six words were still buzzing in his head. He turned them over, back and forth, changed them:
Next childbirth will be Kristina’s death.
It didn’t help; however much he turned and changed, the word death was always there.
Therefore you must never touch her again. She cannot stand to be pregnant again. Next time it will be her death.
They had always had it good together, he and she. When he had his wife it was his greatest bliss in life. During the day he would go about in expectant joy at the thought of evening and their own moment. So it had been for him ever since in his youth they had found each other. And he knew she felt the same. There were wives who didn’t care, who would just as soon have their men stay away from them. Kristina was not one of them. She too had her joy in their being together. She had said as much many times: He mustn’t think that she liked it less than he. And lately she had said it more often than before. She was a shy woman, but when they were together her shyness disappeared. It might happen she was the first to express the wish: Tonight! He was her husband, it was God’s intent that in lust also they should give each other joy.
Their moments together confirmed to her that they desired each other as much as in youth, that they were still in love.
But from now on it would be forbidden to them to be together. She had asked him what he thought of it and he hadn’t answered, for he felt she knew. No words were needed in this matter.
“Karl Oskar — I’m thinking about something. .”
“Yes
“Do you believe the Lord God has inflicted this upon us?”
Her question surprised him. He himself would never have thought of it. “What do you think?”
“I doubt it. We only know what the doctor in Stillwater said. Why would God begrudge us being together?”
“But we must follow what the doctor said. .”
“He is only a human being like the rest of us.”
“We must obey him anyway.”
“But how can he know if I can stand a childbed or not? Someone else is the all-knowing.”
Karl Oskar rose slowly from his wife’s bed: “We must do only one thing: See to it that you get well and strong again! And now we must go to bed, tonight as always.”
So at last they went to rest in their house, in the same room, in separate beds, at opposite sides of the room.
During their marriage of almost twenty years they had shared the day’s labor and the night’s rest. From this day on they were banished from each other during the night; their living together as man and woman was finished.
— 3—
A settler wife’s evening prayer:
. . dear God and Creator! Tonight as all nights I surrender to your mercy before I go to sleep. I’ve been to a medical man today and sought aid for my pain, but you must not think that I trust him more than you, my Lord. He is only a frail human, like myself, and he can do nothing if he doesn’t get his knowledge from the Almighty. You alone rule! If you bless the doctor’s medicine then only will it heal me.
You mustn’t think, dear God, that his words frightened me in any way. Who knows if I ever will be strong enough to bear another child? You are the only one to know if the next childbed will be my death or not. I’ll come to my end when it’s your will that I shall.