But it was probably better not to share that insight with Dr. Armistead, who thought she was making so much progress.
There were twenty minutes left on the faces of the multiple clocks staring at her when Tess ran out of things to say to Dr. Armistead. Until she had sat down in the frayed wing chair, she had not realized how much she wanted to withhold from him, at least for now. She could not speak of Carl’s reentry into her life, for that would take her to the subject of Mickey Pechter, which should be avoided at all costs. But if she told him she believed Billy Windsor had laid this elaborate trap for her-using a powerful foundation, passing a list of his victims to her, even killing a woman-Dr. Armistead would probably ring for an orderly and lock her up in one of the dormitories.
“What are you thinking?” he prompted, after she had stared into her lap for several seconds.
“I thought my face was supposed to be so readable,” she said, trying for a light tone.
“Not always.”
Now other professionals who charged by the hour-a lawyer, for example, or a plumber, even a private detective like herself-would be satisfied to end the hour early. But Dr. Armistead clearly didn’t bill by the part-hour. He just continued staring at her, his bushy brows drawn down as low as they could go. Tess met his gaze with what she hoped was a blank face and guileless eyes.
“What are you thinking, Tess?” he asked again.
“Nothing, really.”
“Which is, as you know, impossible.”
“Well, I’m thinking about how I have nothing to say.” Which was absolutely true.
Funny, she wouldn’t have minded speaking about the quarrel with Carl, which had surprised her in its heat and fury. Carl struck her as someone whose strengths and weaknesses were inextricable. He was dogged, but dogged quickly became obsessive. He was blunt, yet hypersensitive when it came to his own feelings, collecting slights the way some little boys collect rocks and rubber bands. Where had all that stuff about Crow come from? If a woman had made such a speech, she would be called catty. An unfair characterization-to women and cats.
But even if she could speak of Carl, how could she really explain him to Dr. Armistead? He would need to know Carl’s history: the town of North East, his violent father, the mother he had saved. He would have to be able to see Carl, with his squinty eyes and bowlegged walk. How did therapists work without all the day-to-day context of real life?
“Are you sure you have nothing to say? Or is there something you very much want to talk about but don’t know how to begin?”
Tess almost started at the sound of Dr. Armistead’s voice. She knew he couldn’t read her mind, but he did seem to divine how much was popping and jumping inside her head. There was so much to do. Not that she had a clue as to what it was. All she and Carl had achieved today was their successful tyranny of a sad, isolated woman. It was June 6. How much time did they have? Where should they go? Carl was waiting for her outside, coiled in one of the Adirondack chairs that dotted the broad parklike lawns of Sheppard Pratt. She needed to have some plan of action when the hour ended.
“I guess I’m distracted. I’ve actually been working very hard.”
“Really? I thought you had finished your work on that case. We spoke of it last time. You told me that the man you were looking for turned out to be dead, and your partner had proved to be unreliable.”
“Right. Right, right, right. This is something new.”
“What are you working on now?”
“Oh, nothing interesting. This is a deskbound project, lots of computer time. Securities fraud.”
“I didn’t know you did that kind of work.”
Neither did I. “The boring cases pay the bills, actually.” She yawned, largely for show, but it was a mistake. Even a yawn was fraught with meaning in Dr. Armistead’s lair.
“Are you not sleeping well?”
“I’m a little restless. It’s gotten so hot, but I hate to turn on the AC before summer truly starts. It feels like such a defeat.”
“Insomnia.”
“I’d call it… wakefulness.
“I fall asleep.” Once Crow came home. “I just don’t stay asleep.”
“Are you having the nightmare you spoke of in a previous session? The one in which you see your friend die?”
How did he remember so much? It’s not as if he had notes in front of him. Was he taping her secretly? Did he write things down after she left and then read them later? But there were always appointments on either side of their hour together, so he didn’t have time to make notes while his memory was fresh. Although the day and hour of their appointments changed weekly, she always saw the same sad, older woman in the hall, the one with the yellowish skin and bluish hair.
“No, not that nightmare.”
“Another, then? A new one?”
“I meant, no nightmares at all.”
But, despite her best efforts, tears welled in her eyes. His question had taken her back to the alley, to the morning that Jonathan had died. They had made love the night before. Well, they had sex. He was excited, certain of the glorious future that awaited him when he broke his big story. She had been a little depressed, as if Jonathan’s upward progress ensured her downward path.
The lights of the cab had come out of nowhere. They should have heard the engine when they left her apartment, should have noticed the sound of the chugging motor. But they didn’t have time to notice anything. Jonathan did take a moment, however, to push her to the side of the alley, so she was not in the taxi’s path. The driver probably didn’t care if he killed her too, but she was not important enough to come back for.
The inevitable question: “What are these tears about?”
“Nothing. It’s a bad memory, okay? I should cry when I think about it. A man died.”
“Surviving,” Dr. Armistead intoned with a self-impressed solemnity, “exacts a price. In dreams begin responsibilities.”
“We always come back to poetry,” Tess muttered. And not particularly apt poetry, she yearned to add.
“Poetry? It’s the title of a prose work by Delmore Schwartz.”
“Schwartz took it from some French poem. Villon, I think.”
Another awkward silence. Tess studied the degrees on the wall. It seemed a little show-off, to her, all those degrees, a half dozen in all. There was George Washington, Wisconsin, two from Johns Hopkins. Of course. Johns Hopkins, the ultimate Baltimore pedigree. If you could claim any link to Hopkins-if you just had your appendix out there-the detail would probably appear in your obituary.
Obituaries. Johns Hopkins. Maybe she could get something out of this hour after all.
“Did you know a psychiatrist named Michael Shaw?”
For once, Dr. Armistead was caught off guard. “By reputation. I’m sure we met at some point, but I have no distinct memory of him. Why do you ask?”
“He’s connected to a case I’m working on.”
“The one on security fraud?”
“Sure. Yes. He may be one of the investors who was swindled in this derivative scam.” Derivative scam? She wasn’t even sure what a derivative was. “My client is another victim, but he would like to file a class-action suit, so I’m trying to find others, so he can sue the brokerage.”
“What brokerage?”
“An out-of-state one.” Her eyes were still focused on the diplomas looming over Dr. Armistead’s shoulder. “Washington Securities.”
“And you think Shaw-”
“May have treated the man who ended up ripping him off. Is there a way to find out?”
“Of course not.” Dr. Armistead looked offended. “Confidentiality would not be breached in such a matter.”
“But he’s dead, and a crime may have been committed-”