I said
Oh that was before I was born. I think she regrets it when people make fatuous remarks but now that she has me she thinks it would be irresponsible—sorry.
He said
It doesn’t matter. It’s what anyone would think. I did write the book, you know. I wrote the book and gave a lot of interviews and signed copies—funny the things people will buy.
He stood up and walked up and down. He went to the window and said
What a glorious day!
He said
Do you think sales will go up?
I said the signed copies would be worth more anyway. He said he was a fool not to have thought of it but anyway he’d given all his author’s copies to prominent supporters of the campaign.
I was still feeling bad for having said my mother thought it would be irresponsible, and I was about to say that the cases were different because I didn’t really have a father when I remembered that I’d said he was. Then I thought maybe it would not be too bad to say: Well, I grew up without a father and I’m all right, I mean I don’t think I’d have been better off if somebody had gone through ten years of hell to be there. Then I suddenly thought, that is I suddenly thought that at that very moment Sibylla was at home teaching the Little Prince. What if at that very moment she had taken out a bottle of pills and said if she could not be a person without a past she would be a person with no future and the Little Prince had said That’s all right you go right ahead?
He was still standing by the window. There were four African violets on the sill; he was running his thumb over the fuzz on a leaf. He was whistling under his breath.
I haven’t described him well or at all. He was right in a way that it began to get boring after a while, but in another way it didn’t really matter what he said. You could see that he was someone who could make someone who had seen his male relatives lined up and shot at the age of four and his female relatives raped and then shot want to play chess. When you were with him you wanted to go on being with him whatever he said. When you made a joke and he laughed you wanted to do ten handsprings. I wished I had had him around for ten years or even five even though he was probably the kind of parent who set limits and even though it was hard to imagine him fitting into the kind of lifestyle where you could learn Greek at a reasonable age and even though the one boy and one girl had probably watched Sesame Street and he probably thought it was about the right level. And I started thinking: What if he changed his mind?
Then I thought: What if Sibylla told the Little Prince what she wants to forget? When I asked her she always said Never you mind or Well anyway I don’t know why I complain it’s not as if I was tortured. At least I hadn’t said that. I thought: I want him to try to go on getting over it so I can go on seeing him. I thought it was weak and cowardly to want this and it was weak and cowardly to want the Little Prince to say give it more time and if I were weak and cowardly I really would be my father’s son. But I couldn’t say you go right ahead.
I said
Do you want to give Oscar Wilde a chance?
He said
What?
I said
We could watch The Importance of Being Earnest. I could go to Blockbuster Video and get it out.
He said
That’s OK.
Then he said
Well, OK.
I went out the front door. We kept the video card in my pocket because Sibylla tended to lose things, and I had £1.50. I ran all the way to Blockbuster Video just in case he decided to take the pills before I got back.
The set-up in Blockbuster was different from the one we went to, so it took a while to find the video. They had Seven Samurai, but so many people in it say it’s better to die than face certain misery that I thought it would be better not to risk it. They had Ace Ventura Pet Detective which I had always wanted to see but Sibylla refused to get out; I suspected, however, that this might not be as efficacious as the Wilde. At last I found it. I had to argue for a long time with the girl at the register because our card was for a different branch.
I said
Please. I have to have it. It’s a matter of life and death.
She said
Don’t overdo it
I said
No really it’s for a man who’s thinking of committing suicide he was held hostage and tortured and it haunts him and I thought maybe just maybe The Importance of Being Earnest would do the trick because when my mother feels depressed it cheers her up to walk on the Wilde side.
She said
Really.
I said
Well no not really it’s for my sister she’s doing A-levels and they always ask a question about comparing the play with the film only she never had a chance to see the film. Our dad’s unemployed so she has to work part-time so she never had the time and now the exam is tomorrow, and if she doesn’t do well on the exam she won’t get her grade for university because English is her best subject and it’s too late to do anything about French and Sociology. According to a recent survey in the Independent more and more employers expect employees to have a university degree.
She said
Third time lucky
I said
Well actually it’s for my two little brothers. Siamese twins, they were inseparable from birth and did everything together. If one does something the other must too, but unfortunately their heads are inconveniently placed so that they cannot watch the same television screen at the same time. We tried mirrors but then whichever one got the mirror complained. A disability allowance from a generous government has covered the cost of an extra television and video set, a single copy of Aladdin, and one towel. One night The Importance of Being Earnest in the classic Redgrave/Denison production was shown by the BBC; both twins were able to watch, enthralled. Unfortunately my mother did not have two videotapes on which to record the film—foreseeing trouble, she did not record it at all! To no avail, for having seen it once they must see it again—and a pair of Siamese twins, once enraged, makes a noise which cannot easily be ignored. In despair did my mother venture forth to our local Blockbuster, only to find that they had but a single copy of the film. Fear not, said I, I will go to Notting Hill and get a second copy of the film; they have few enough pleasures as it is, God knows, and my mother agreed, for she was certain that Blockbuster would not let us down.
She said
Why didn’t you say so before
I said
You didn’t ask me before
I set off at my five-minute-mile sprint.
I went up to the front door again and knocked. He came to the door straight away.
He said
I’m sorry, I should have given you some money.
I said that was all right. He looked brighter than he had before. He led me down a hall to a room at the back of the house where they kept the TV and VCR. He had put some crisps in a bowl and some peanuts in another bowl.
I turned on the TV and VCR and put the film in. There were some ads for the Classic Collection and then the film began.
He sat in his chair watching the screen very seriously. He laughed when Lady Bracknell said Should you become engaged I, or your father if his health permits, will inform you of the fact and he laughed at some of the other jokes. After a while I forgot about him.
After a while I looked over to see whether he was enjoying the film.
He had turned his head to one side. His cheeks were wet.
He said
This isn’t going to work.
I turned off the video and pressed rewind.
He said
It’s not going to work and I haven’t got a lot of time. They’re only going for a few days. It was worth a try though.
He said
This has helped in a way, anyway. I’ve some letters to write. I didn’t think I’d be able to because I think the important thing is to say I love them and I find it quite hard to say that because I’ve really only felt anything for the dog since I got back. I’ve said it of course but there’s something that won’t let me make a lie my last word. I think I can live with a penultimate lie. Whereas it can’t hurt you to hear the truth.