Remo stared as Chiun sputtered: "Emperor Smith promised to send me my daytime dramas. The glorious 'As the Planet Revolves.' The golden 'All My Offspring.' Instead I receive…"
Chiun raised his already high voice to a squeal, " 'Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman!' "
Remo smirked as the ladies discovered the smothered man on the screen. "I don't see what is so awful, Little Father."
"Of course, you wouldn't, pale piece of pig's ear. Any garbage would look good to a man who turns on all the water outlets to drown out his mentor's proclamations."
Remo turned to the Korean. "What's wrong with it?" he asked, motioning to the set.
"What is wrong?" exclaimed Chiun, as if any child could see. "Where is the drunken doctor? Where is the unwed mother, the suicidal wife? Where are the children on drugs? Where are all the things that have made America great?"
Remo glanced back at the video screen. "I'm sure they're there, Chiun, just handled with a little more realism, that's all."
"You whites find a way to ruin everything, don't you?" said Chiun. "If I want realism, I talk to you or some other imbecile. If I want beauty, I watch my daytime dramas."
Chiun rose from his mat in a smooth movement that gave the impression of pale yellow smoke rising. He moved to four blue and gold lacquered steamer trunks that lay in the corner atop and crowding out one of the suite's beds. As Remo watched more of the TV show, Chiun opened the trunk and started hurling out merchandise.
Remo turned as small bars of soap started dropping around him.
"What are you doing?" he inquired, removing a washcloth with a Holiday Inn imprint from his shoulder.
"I am trying to find the contract between the House of Sinanju and Emperor Smith. I am sure that sending 'Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman' instead of 'The Old and the Agitated' is a breach of our agreement. If this is how they value my services, I am leaving before the worst comes."
Remo went over to where Chiun's small frame had disappeared into the large trunk.
"Hold on, Little Father. It's just a mistake. They haven't done anything else wrong, have they?"
Chiun rose quickly, a feigned look of surprise on his wrinkled parchment face.
"They sent me you, didn't they?" he cackled, then sank into the luggage again. "Heh, heh, heh," his voice echoed. "They sent me you, didn't they? Heh, heh, heh."
Remo began to pick up the trunk's contents that littered the suite floor like autumn leaves after a rainstorm.
"Hold it, hold it. What's this, Little Father?" Remo held a small bottle up to the light. "Seagram's, courtesy of American Airlines?" He picked up another. "Johnny Walker Black, Fly me, Eastern Airlines? Smirnoff's, thanks for flying TWA?"
Chiun rose again from the trunk, a slow-blooming flower of innocence.
"One never knows when those things might be needed," he said.
"We don't drink. And what's this?" continued Remo, stooping to pick up more items from the floor, "Matches from the Showboat, The Four Seasons Restaurant, Howard Johnson's? Toothpicks? These mints must be five years old."
"They were offered to me," said Chiun. "It would be bad manners not to accept."
Remo held up a final item.
"An ashtray with Cinzano on it?"
Chiun leaned over, looking slightly perplexed. "I do not remember that. Is it yours? Have you been smuggling junk in with my treasures?"
Remo turned back to the TV screen. "I've always wondered what you filled those trunks with. I've been lugging a junk shop with me all these years."
"I cannot find the contract," declared Chiun, "so I find myself unable to quit. Because to me, unlike you and that madman Smith, my word of honor is sacred."
"Awwww," Remo clucked in sympathy.
"However, I must take steps to bring these annoyances to an end. Smith must increase the payment to the village of Sinanju and send real tapes from real shows."
"Come on, Little Father, Sinanju must be getting enough from us by now to platinum-plate your outhouses."
"Gold, not platinum," said Chiun. "They only deliver gold. And it is not enough. It is never enough. Do you not remember the terrible devastation that gripped our tiny village just a scant few years ago?"
"It's enough. And that was at least a thousand years ago," said Remo, knowing his protest was not enough to keep Chiun from his umpteenth retelling of the legend of Sinanju, a poor fishing village in North Korea that was forced to hire its people out as master assassins to avoid drowning their children in the bay because of poverty.
And for centuries after, the Masters of Sinanju had done admirably. At least in the monetary sense. Chiun, the present Master was doing the best of all. Even allowing for inflation.
"So you see," finished Chiun, "how enough is never enough, and the seas and sky never change, yet Sinanju stays the same."
Remo tried to stifle a yawn, purposely failed, then said, "Fine. Good. Can I go to sleep now? Smitty is supposed to contact us soon. I need my rest."
"Yes, my son. You can go to sleep. Just as soon as we have taken steps to protect others from this Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman."
"We?" Remo said from the bed. "Why we?"
"I need you," said Chiun, "because there is some stupid trivial menial work involved." Chiun moved over to the desk, opened the top drawer, and pulled out a piece of paper and pen. "I want to know who is responsible for 'Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman,' " he said.
"I think it's Norman Lear, Norman Lear," said Remo.
Chiun nodded. "I have heard of this man. He has done much to ruin American television." The Master lifted the pen and paper and dropped them onto Remo's stomach. "Take a letter."
Remo grumbled, watching Chiun move to his mat and settle softly into the lotus position. "Are you ready?" the Master inquired.
"Yeah, yeah," said Remo.
Chiun closed his eyes and gently positioned the backs of his hands upon his knees.
"Dear Norman Lear, Norman Lear," he said. "Watch out. Sign it Chiun."
Remo waited. "No sincerely or anything?" he finally asked.
"I will read it tomorrow for accuracy and then you will send it," said Chiun before he slipped into a shallow level of sleep, sitting erect upon his grass mat.
The phone was ringing, and Remo had to know whether it was for him. There were many phones ringing during the night. You could hear them through the walls. You could hear people talk and air conditioners hum, and a mouse that made it through the walls, running desperately through the building's innards. It was pursued by nothing, because there was no other sound moving with it.
There were sounds in the night; it was never quiet. For Remo, it had not been quiet for more than a decade. The meat eaters and the warriors slept with their brains blanketed, but it wasn't sleep. It was unconsciousness. Real sleep, that cool rest of mind and body, floated gently, aware of what was around it. You could no more turn off your mind than you could your breath. And why should you?
Primitive man probably didn't. How could he and live to create modern man? Most people slept like meatloaves. But as Chiun had taught him, to sleep like that was to make oneself dead before one's time, so Remo heard everything as he slept. Like listening to a concert next door. He was aware of it, but not part of it. Then the phone rang. And since he realized it was too loud to be next door, he got up and answered it.
As he lifted the receiver off the hook, he heard Chiun mumble, "Must you let that thing ring for hours before you bestir yourself?"
"Stuff it, Little Father," Remo said. "Hello," he growled at the phone.
"I'm here," said a voice so acerb Remo's ear felt as if it were puckering up.
"Congratulations, Smitty. You've made my night."
Dr. Harold W. Smith sounded disappointed. "I thought by contacting you this early I would avoid the sarcasm."
"The CURE sarcasm service is open twenty-four hours a day. Call again this time tomorrow and see."