‘Your father was very secretive, very guarded. He felt the guilt straight away — I saw it in him where probably others didn’t — but it didn’t surface fully until years later. One of his secretaries had a messy miscarriage and couldn’t have children any more. She cried on his shoulder that it was the worst thing she’d ever endured or could imagine happening to any woman — and days later he was on the phone to the Stephanous asking about young George. Nick Stephanou had already given the boy away to the orphanage two years previous, but he didn’t have the stomach to admit that to your father. Maybe he feared your father would ask back for the money he’d paid them. So he didn’t mention the accident, didn’t mention any problems. Just said George was growing tall and doing well at school and both him and Maria were very happy and very proud. Your father would phone every year or so and get the same story — ‘Yeah, fine, at High School now you know’ — and it wasn’t until eight years later that he finally got to know the truth, when he was having trouble contacting Nick and ended up phoning his brother Sotiris. George would have been fifteen then — but what could your father do? He phoned the orphanage and they told him George had gone to a new family at the age of eight and their rule was not to pass on any details — so all he could do was just shrug his shoulders and hope that he’d gone to a good family somewhere, that he was having a good life and hadn’t suffered.’
Good family somewhere. Good life. Elena felt a shiver run up her spine. All the years she’d thought how different she was to her father, how opposite their views were, particularly regarding her son: that her father had given him away purely to punish her and hadn’t spent a minute since wasting an ounce of emotion on what he’d done or worrying about the boy’s welfare; yet all the while his thoughts had been almost exactly the same as hers.
‘Your father, as he did with most things, put on a brave face, on the surface shouldered it well — but I could see the pain and guilt close beneath the surface. And he was missing you too, regretted what he’d done. He used to send you money through Uncle Christos and asked that you weren’t told — thought you’d probably refuse it.’
‘I know. Uncle Christos told me.’ She looked up to see their waitress heading back to the counter. Lorena was taking the first sips of her coke.
‘…And so practically the whole focus of his life, all his ambitions and hopes got poured into your brother Andreos. “Andreos is going to be a great successor in my business”…Andreos is going to do this, Andreos is going to do that. There seemed no limits to what Andreos might achieve in your father’s eyes. Then with Andreos’s suicide, particularly when it looked like the main reason was that he felt he couldn’t cope, couldn’t live up to your father’s expectations — all hope there too was lost and again your father blamed himself. He drunk himself silly for weeks and one night I caught him gently weeping in his sleep — probably one of many he’d done so without me knowing — and he turned to me tearfully and asked what was wrong with him. “What is it about me that drives people away or pushes them into the ground? Am I such a monster?”
Tears welled in Elena’s eyes, the cafe scene ahead suddenly blurred, distorted. She’d never before seen that soft, emotional side to her father; it was so totally out of sync with the image she’d long held true of him. And all she’d done was add to his guilt and suffering: the funeral had been the last time she’d seen her father, and she’d stood stoically on her mother’s side as Andreos’s body was lowered into the ground and the Priest said the prayers. Then when finally her father seemed to have summoned the courage and spirit to speak to her towards the end of the service, she’d turned abruptly and stormed off: ‘This is all your fault too. You’re to blame for this.’ ‘I’m sorry. I… I had no idea.’ Her own voice sounded distant, lost among the hustle and clatter of the restaurant. She had to shift slightly to one side as two men in blue overalls came past her from the washroom behind.
‘How could you? He never showed that side to anyone. When I suggested to him that maybe that was part of the problem and he should try and show his emotions more — he said that I was being ridiculous. If he wore his heart on his sleeve, he wouldn’t last a minute in business. His competitors would have him for breakfast. And besides, it just wasn’t him. So the defences would quickly come up again, that hard skin he saw as his protection from the world outside. I remember him once saying to me that that sort of thing was for “old Greek widows, wailing and gnashing their teeth.” I think with the prejudice he experienced early on, he’d fixed this strange notion in his mind that not showing his emotions would somehow make him more English and less Cypriot. Stiff upper lip and all that rubbish.’
Elena wiped her eyes with the back of one hand and looked towards Lorena. How could she have got it so wrong. So wrong. Her thoughts about her father had guided practically everything in her life — the rebellion, her hippie years, her staying away from home, and now they’d been the foundation of her suspicions over Ryall. Another dominant man. Probably Lowndes was right, nothing was happening there, it was just Lorena’s over-attachment to her. Full house. She’d been wrong about everything. Everything.
‘Then with the cancer he probably did look at me and imagine an old Greek widow in a few years, and everything else crashed back in at the same time. He started to dwell on his life and things past and think of all the mistakes he’d made. He started to think that it had all been a waste: devoting so much of his life to money, building up an empire. What was it all for when you didn’t have family and loved ones around you? With Andreos it wasn’t only the son he’d lost, or with you that he’d practically lost a daughter as well by driving you away — but the fact that you could no longer have children and Andreos had died before he’d even started a family. There was no possible continuing bloodline — and the only grandchild he’d ever had, he’d given away. That was when he resolved finally to try and find George.’
The tears brimmed over, streaming down Elena’s cheeks, and the trembling was back in her legs. They felt ready to crumple at any second. She half turned and put one hand flat on the wall for support as a truck driver in a red-check shirt approached, heading for the washroom. But he’d already noticed her distress and mumbled something in French then, with her blank look, switched quickly to English.
‘Are you okay, lady? Everything alright?’
‘Yes, it’s… it’s okay. Just someone I haven’t spoken to in a while.’
Her mother’s voice crashed in halfway: ‘Elena? Is there someone there with you?’
The truck driver nodded with a tight smile as he went past her, and she assured her mother that it was all right, she was in a restaurant and ‘it was just someone passing by the phone.’ Her emotions wanted to scream: ‘No, no, it’s not alright. Stop. Stop! I can’t bear it any more, can’t take more of my life’s foundations smashed down, any more illusions destroyed on which I’ve based almost every principle the past thirty years.’ But her mind was curious, thirsty, wanted desperately to know every last detail, however painful.
‘Trouble was, your father never was able to succeed in that final quest. He hoped that maybe if he visited personally… but in the end the nuns wouldn’t relent, wouldn’t pass on where George had gone. That final blow hit him hard, Elena. He died a very sad and lonely man.’
‘He was sat where you are now…’ Elena couldn’t hold it back any longer: racking sobs convulsed her whole body, and she turned to fully face the wall so that people in the diner wouldn’t see her tears and distress. She hadn’t even shown up for the funeral, if nothing else to support her mother in her moment of grief; nor troubled to phone at any time to offer her condolence. And in the years since she’d never visited, they’d only spoken once briefly on the phone. Her mother had buried the man she’d loved knowing that he’d died with a heart heavy with a lifetime of regrets, and purely because of her own past battles with her father she’d left her mother alone for all those years with that terrible pain and burden. No wonder Uncle Christos had kept urging her to see her mother. How could her mother possibly ever forgive her?