It bleeds its description. Big and cold. Pasts slide by side as Rafi steers to a piano laid out with more photos in frames. Lots of him, with them, by himself. Some from productions. One with David, obviously ill, attempting to trap a last moment of normal but the smiles are too happy and the exhaustion plain. I have a few of those photos at home. Rafi offers another Ten years ago, France. Himself and David sat on a bench. Him, down front, smoking a cigarette. Younger and smiling but not happy in himself. And this one I like, from later that same day. Him sat alone, cigarette again, apparently staring into the sun. So handsome, I say, then cringe. Rafi only laughs His blessing and curse. He has a good heart though. I’m sure you know that but do you know about the nights he spent here? Well I know he and David were together. No no, I don’t mean that. Sorry, I crucify. I meant, he smiles David was the saving kind, used to allow all sorts to stay here. God knows where he found them. It used to drive me crazy — although I must say I miss it now. But if it was drugs or problems like that David would ask him to come over, whatever the time, even three a.m. I’d say He’s rehearsing in the morning, but David still called and he always came. Sometimes spend hours talking them down. He’s good at that. Very calm. Not afraid of what people might do to him. And I am surprised and not surprised to hear these things. So many worlds swim beneath his skin. I think David hoped it would help him forgive himself because that’s all he really Ah now Raf, he interrupts Stop putting the weight of the world on her, I already have. Ignore his forgiveness spiel Eil, I’m fine as I am, and I get a quick kiss. Rafi raises his palms Not another word.
Sprung from then, we go into the late, drinking wine and eating cheese — so much there’ll be weird sleep. Talking about theatre. Talking about his script. His excitement detectable underneath the complaints of not knowing what he’s at or how to write the end. And in their weft I lull, tracing his nails, lighting on every new lit bit of him until Time for bed, he yawns Alright to stay over Eil? Oh yes okay. Rafi kisses us Goodnight, once we’ve accompanied him to his door. Then I am led on up through this house in the dark.
At the very top, a room, white linen-laid. Bathroom through there, he points New toothbrushes under the sink. I’ve never stayed in a hotel but it must be like this. Little of everything. And brushing my teeth I watch him, in the mirror, undress. He folds his clothes. Hangs up his jacket and I know what I see is the routine of this room. Different, and who else has seen it I wonder? But before that thought has even moved, he says I don’t think I’ve ever shared this room — maybe once, years ago — with anyone but Grace. Is it weird? No, nice, he says. And comes, stands behind. Kisses my neck. Then reaches over to start the brushing himself as I wander into the room. Undress. Get in the bed. Skylight above. Night and look into it. Black ways to heaven. He turns out the light and slides his long self in beside. It’s a beautiful room, I say But it’s like I don’t know where we are. Somewhere else, he says, putting his mouth on mine. And. I lift to him. All of my body and inside the same. I love you. I love you. Play at just kissing until, soft, his fingers start to bring. Almost the whole way there but I want him. Tell him. And he is ready at last. So, in the quiet, don’t we make love half the night — for surely now we must call it that? But make as though there’s not enough time in the world to fill up with our pleasure and our delight. Bodies knowing the other’s well from before but everything else running through now, making it rare. Keeping quiet, for discretion, more. For hearing the secret of our secret thoughts falling between. And the desire that follows, no matter what we do, cannot be spent up and does not let go.
In the morning I wake much before. Still tired though, and good way sore. But sit up, to look at him, lying there on his front. Pale-skinned. Brown hair sleep-pressed forward. And his life like a book lying open on my knee. I can reach down into it, put my hand in it. Read everything. Even my own name is written there now. But instead, stroke the hair back off his forehead. That’s nice, he says Do it some more. For he loves a little tenderness, I’ve come to know. And after a while he asks What are you thinking about Eil? That you make me so happy. He looks up. Smiles. That’s a lovely thing to hear, and drapes an arm over, itches his nose on me. You make me happy too. Then closes his eyes and goes back to sleep.
Make tea! he says two hours later and once we’re done. I don’t know this house, be a gentleman. Raf will be up, he’s an early bird, go on, I’ll run a bath. So creep to the kitchen. Did you sleep alright? Yes, and under the bathrobe feel so naked Yes thank you you? Very well, he says smiling as if he knows what we just did. Is he running a bath? Yes. So he’s sent you for tea? Yes. Then the tradition continues — between them the bathrooms were always full of dirty cups and covered in rings. His voice gone all soft though for the man I’ll never know, for David. And his smile at the memory barely covering his grief. You must miss him, I say. Rafi touches his heart He’s still very alive in here for me but last night, I must say, has done me good. And now that I know what love is, how is it possible to be left behind? I’d like to show you something Eily, may I? and he passes a small case. When I open, a photo. Seventies, I’d guess. Him. Mine. Looking so young. Looking younger than me and Is that Grace he’s holding? It is. And he seems just a boy really. Thin like he could snap. Skin barely covering the bones in his face and the vein in his forehead plain to see but the smile, for the child on his knee, is filled with happiness. He is completely absorbed. She is all there is in the world. Their long and small fingers curled round the other’s. I can hardly bear to look because I know what’s coming and that smile doesn’t yet. You can see it, can’t you? How much he loved her? I nod. That’s important to know because it explains a great deal of what happened. And he watches to see if I know what that means. He told me, I say. Good, I’m glad he did but I imagine it was hard to hear. First time I heard it came as a shock, not something I expected of him but I understood even then — and better now — what that loss did to him inside. Eily, if you had seen him when she first took her we didn’t know for a week he’d just been lying in that room in the dark and he was so thin we thought he would die. It was terrible those first years especially watching him try to hide from the pain and being unable to help. David was so afraid. We begged him to move back here with us but you know how he is goes quiet and destroys himself. When those photos finally arrived he just broke apart, then told us. It was a very hard time, and thank God he survived, but all he’s done these past twelve years is wait for her to come back. And maybe he’ll always wait — I can’t tell you how many times David said Why does that boy still not realise how lonely he is? I’m not lonely, he always says but he is the loneliest person I know and there’s no need for it — but if there’s you, there’s life and I’m not upsetting you, am I? No no, I say. I only mean, Rafi explains on There’s something very wonderful about him and despite everything that’s happened, and all the years alone, nothing has ever changed that. But now, before I cause you to run out the door, here’s your tea. Please tell Blanche DuBois we’ll have breakfast in half an hour!
*
Wide high London. Finchley Road. Once we’ve kissed Rafi goodbye, walk to Swiss Cottage. He showed you, didn’t he? The picture? He did. It’s a beautiful picture. It breaks my heart so I keep it there and only look every couple of months, what did he say? That you’re brilliant. Ah, gave you the sell. Not knowing I was already, and put my arm round his waist and think of his body, how it’s so near. What you want to do today Eil? I don’t know, cinema? We stand, look at the board. What do you think? I look up. Will I get that taxi? he says.