Air.
I see the hedge. And wall. It holds a roof up. There is litter. Life shows itself and my brain consterns with fright. Behind me. What he just and what I did. Blow ash from blister. Camden in front. Walk into it. Evaporate and I go to go, but. Where do you think you are going now? Kentish Town’s to the left. And as for his well you can never go home again.
He did what? Fucking what? Repeat that? Flatmate says as he and the Missus and her boyfriend wait. Burned me with a cigarette. He did. Fucking cunt! I warned you not to, didn’t I? Yes. And now he’s got to have his head kicked in. What? All because you couldn’t keep your knickers up. We go? the Missus’s boyfriend interrupts. Too fucking right, Flatmate says No fucker puts out fags on my mate.
The Missus brings me tea and toast. Thanks, I say I’m fine, so she resumes her packing, depressed, I think, by who I am. And I. Am much the same. Cannot bear to think of him. Or sit amid the lost teeth look of my room. Or consider last night. Or be anyone. So go sit out on the flat roof behind.
And the sun is its worst self, making a lovely day. Burning into my scalp. I should be washing myself. Cleaning him off. But I am too pointless for so much. Just turn aside. Turn aside. The awful shame. I might never move. Never rise from this spot again. Just eat bits of toast I wish would choke. And him. Where is he? What gifts I’ve prepared. Thanks for your love and here’s your reward for the twelve years of waiting. It does not sit. And he does not even know our new obstacle yet. That in such short time I have gone so far. And it meant nothing to me. He meant nothing to me. At last I understand. This little. But lot. Too late.
What the fuck happened? Flatmate leant against the sitting-room door. Lilac-eyed. Missus’s fella, having a smoke. We’re barred. Was he still there? Oh yeah. What happened? I ask. I said to him I want a word. He said Make it quick. I hit him a slap and said You burned my mate. At which point he gets back behind the bar, going Not that bitch. So I says Yeah, her, and why should she get scarred because some little cunt like you has to take it too far. I didn’t do anything, he says Not on purpose anyway. Well, I said Just in case, we’re going to teach you a lesson about not hurting girls. Get out, he says Or I’m calling the cops. So I punched him in the head. He kinda fell forward at first but came back with this. Then the fucking golem here drags him over the bar and gives him a couple of stamps. That’s when the barmaid started screaming Get out! You’re barred! so we left. But he’s off on his travels with a black eye and a few cracked ribs. Thanks, I say. No worries, Flatmate says But you wouldn’t get us some ice would you please?
Into the bath once the Missus leaves and scrub myself to pain. No matter though, I’m still myself and probably not his long road home. Leave the water in, would you? It’s the last. Okay. Go lie on my mattress. White nightie. Passersby. My Walkman. The view. Go into the music and as the songs spool let them be me instead. There’s not much respite so, as sleep comes, sink into it until the world goes blank and blind.
Banging. What? Banging glass. Eily! Wake up! Open my eyes. Wake up love. And he is right outside. What? Hey there, sleepy head, will you let me in? I’ve been knocking for ages. Come up I, chaotic, to life then. It’s him and all I see is that.
Locks and pull and there he is. Offering a six-pack of Taytos For the Irish contingent. And I leap him. Fling both arms around his neck. Now that’s the welcome I was hoping for, he laughs, squeezing me almost to feet off the floor. How come you’re here? I didn’t like how we left things so — already backing me back to the room — I hung around at Dublin airport for a return. Crisps crunching now as I’m slung on the bed. I missed you, and kiss him. I missed you, he says. Guilt flooding up but that feeling between. I hide in it. Go to it. Tell him I love him and I want him inside. One minute, he says And I’ll be happy to oblige, then nips to toilet while I scrabble my knickers off but Contrary to what you might think mate, I really don’t want to see your knob. Sorry, didn’t know you were in here, he laughs What’re you doing lying here in the dark anyway, having a little cry? Think I nodded off, Flatmate says Pass me that towel? This one? Ta. Then flush and bathroom light and Fuck, what happened to your eye? Not the bailiffs again? Nah, fucking chivalry that. What happened? Nothing, bit of a scrap is all, anyway I’m freezing my bollocks off so see you in the matin mate.
Did he get in a fight? Sort of, I say as he lies back down. What happened? Who cares? I try but the morning falling in on me like slate. Eily what is it? I hide my face. Did something happen while I was away? I I do not reply. Look at me love. I do not. Eil did something happen to you? And I Sort of, then. Did someone hurt you? Sort of. Eily what does Sort of mean? If I look at him now though I know he’ll see and I Keep this second. Hold in this place where he loves me. Then. Eily please tell me. And I raise my head. Oh, he says No it isn’t that tell me anything else Eil and I’ll believe you, alright? But I can’t lie or speak so he is left to ask Did you sleep with someone while I was away? Pulse and Pulse. He can already see. I’m sorry. Oh God, through his teeth, getting right off the bed. Who? Who was it? Was it him? and grabs me up. Catching the burn though so I scream Let go! Was it him again? It wasn’t. Was it? No I swear. Then who? You don’t know him. What the fuck? he says Two fucking days and you couldn’t wait? Let go of me, you’re hurting me. Who the fuck was he, tell me? Just a barman! A what? Barman from a pub. You just picked some fucking barman up? Yes. Why? I I was off my head and What the fuck? shaking me so hard the pain in my arm haywires everything else. Please let go I was upset you didn’t answer the phone So you fucked someone else? You’re hurting me. Hey in there! Flatmate banging the door then opens it Take it easy on her. Mind your own fucking business, he shouts. Mate, I know what she did but Get out, or do you think I don’t know it’s you filling her up with that shit? Just calm down mate. Don’t fucking tell me to calm down. Flatmate turns on the light Look at her arm mate. He did that. He did what? Fucking burned her with a cigarette. What the fuck? and the silence coming down. Slow then, him pulling up my sleeve. Slow turning my elbow to see. His eyes then slow travelling up me He did this to you? I nod. Jesus, he says dropping his head like not knowing what to do. Don’t worry, Flatmate says We sorted him out, me and the Missus’s bloke. So where is he now? A & E or Amsterdam. Right, he says Right thanks for that I I’ll take it from here. Already closing the door. But go easy on her, okay? Yeah, he says Yeah of course.
Alone beneath the bulb, I am all seen and I have done this, made his eyes full of disbelief. When did it happen? This morning. So did you spend the night with him? I did. Did he make you Eil? Shake my head. That’s good, he nods relieved but killed. I’m so sorry, I say It was a mistake, I didn’t even enjoy it. Well that’s a relief! I mean it I was wasted and you were away. What’s that supposed to mean? Nothing I just I didn’t know if No! I didn’t do anything Eily, you did! I know please forgive me? and wind my arms around his waist. Let go of me. But I will not. So for a half-blasted moment we half-blasted stand. Close together yet ghosts by our reflections back. And everything passes over. Everything passes through. Then his body decides to leave. Don’t leave me! No I’m going home and — unlocking my arms — you should probably lie down. Don’t go, you can’t go, please, I’m scared. Of what? That I’ll never see you again, and the tears come down. Jesus Christ! he says, still the anger, though conflicting, across his face. You know how it is to do something terrible, I say Please don’t leave me alone with it. Like balancing the many then, his eyes take mine. I cannot see into what he thinks but he says Alright. He doesn’t want to be here though, rebels at the hurt. And as we strip off I can tell he has already left. He is halfway home in his mind.