Shave the whole top of thy crown clean once at least every four or five days, but oftener if convenient; lest in taking off thy wig before her, thro’ absence of mind, she should be able to discover how much has been cut away by Time——how much by Trim.
—’Twere better to keep ideas of baldness out of her fancy.
Always carry it in thy mind, and act upon it as a sure maxim, Toby—— 436
“That women are timid:” And ’tis well they are——else there would be no dealing with them.
Let not thy breeches be too tight, or hang too loose about thy thighs, like the trunk-hose of our ancestors.
——A just medium prevents all conclusions.
Whatever thou hast to say, be it more or less, forget not to utter it in a low soft tone of voice. Silence, and whatever approaches it, weaves dreams of midnight secrecy into the brain: For this cause, if thou canst help it, never throw down the tongs and poker.
Avoid all kinds of pleasantry and facetiousness in thy discourse with her, and do whatever lies in thy power at the same time, to keep from her all books and writings which tend thereto: there are some devotional tracts, which if thou canst entice her to read over—it will be welclass="underline" but suffer her not to look into Rabelais, or Scarron, or Don Quixote——
——They are all books which excite laughter; and thou knowest, dear Toby, that there is no passion so serious as lust.
Stick a pin in the bosom of thy shirt, before thou enterest her parlour.
And if thou art permitted to sit upon the same sopha with her, and she gives thee occasion to lay thy hand upon hers—beware of taking it——thou canst not lay thy hand on hers, but she will feel the temper of thine. Leave that and as many other things as thou canst, quite undetermined; by so doing, thou wilt have her curiosity on thy side; and if she is not conquered by that, and thy Asse continues still kicking, which there is great reason to suppose——Thou must begin, with first losing a few ounces of blood below the ears, according to the practice of the ancient Scythians, who cured the most intemperate fits of the appetite by that means.
Avicenna, after this, is for having the part anointed with the syrup of hellebore, using proper evacuations and purges——and I believe rightly. But thou must eat little or no goat’s flesh, nor red deer——nor even foal’s flesh by any means; and carefully abstain——that is, as much as thou canst, from peacocks, cranes, coots, didappers, and water-hens——
As for thy drink—I need not tell thee, it must be the infusion of Vervain and the herb Hanea, of which Ælian relates such effects—but if thy stomach palls with it—discontinue it from time to time, taking cucumbers, melons, purslane, water-lillies, woodbine, and lettice, in the stead of them. 437
There is nothing further for thee, which occurs to me at present——
——Unless the breaking out of a fresh war——So wishing everything, dear Toby, for the best,
I rest thy affectionate brother,
Walter Shandy
CHAPTER XXXV
Whilst my father was writing his letter of instructions, my uncle Toby and the corporal were busy in preparing everything for the attack. As the turning of the thin scarlet breeches was laid aside (at least for the present), there was nothing which should put it off beyond the next morning; so accordingly it was resolved upon, for eleven o’clock.
Come, my dear, said my father to my mother—’twill be but like a brother and sister, if you and I take a walk down to my brother Toby’s——to countenance him in this attack of his.
My uncle Toby and the corporal had been accoutred both some time, when my father and mother enter’d, and the clock striking eleven, were that moment in motion to sally forth—but the account of this is worth more than to be wove into the fag end of the eighth7 volume of such a work as this.——My father had no time but to put the letter of instructions into my uncle Toby’s coat-pocket——and join with my mother in wishing his attack prosperous.
I could like, said my mother, to look through the key-hole out of curiosity——Call it by its right name, my dear, quoth my father—
And look through the key-hole as long as you will.
1. Vid. pp. 347-348.
2. Vid. Pope’s Portrait.
3. Alluding to the first edition.
4. Rodope Thracia tam inevitabili fascino instructa, tam exactè oculus intuens attraxit, ut si in illam quis incidisset, fieri non posset, quin caperetur.——I know not who.
5. This will be printed with my father’s Life of Socrates, &c. &c.
6. Mr. Shandy must mean the poor in spirit; inasmuch as they divided the money amongst themselves.
7. Alluding to the first edition.
438 439 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS
OF
TRISTRAM SHANDY
GENTLEMAN
Non enim excursus hic ejus, sed opus ipsum est. Plin. Lib. v. Epist. 6.
Si quid urbaniusculè lusum a nobis, per Musas et Charitas et omnium poëtarum Numina, Oro te, ne me malè capias.
440
A DEDICATION
TO A GREAT MAN
Having, a priori, intended to dedicate The Amours of my Uncle Toby to Mr. ***——I see more reasons, a posteriori, for doing it to Lord *******.
I should lament from my soul, if this exposed me to the jealousy of their Reverences; because a posteriori, in Court-latin, signifies the kissing hands for preferment—or anything else—in order to get it.
My opinion of Lord ******* is neither better nor worse, than it was of Mr. ***. Honours, like impressions upon coin, may give an ideal and local value to a bit of base metal; but Gold and Silver will pass all the world over without any other recommendation than their own weight.
The same good-will that made me think of offering up half an hour’s amusement to Mr. *** when out of place—operates more forcibly at present, as half an hour’s amusement will be more serviceable and refreshing after labour and sorrow, than after a philosophical repast.
Nothing is so perfectly amusement as a total change of ideas; no ideas are so totally different as those of Ministers, and innocent Lovers: for which reason, when I come to talk of Statesmen and Patriots, and set such marks upon them as will prevent confusion and mistakes concerning them for the future—I propose to dedicate that Volume to some gentle Shepherd,
Whose thoughts proud Science never taught to stray,
Far as the Statesman’s walk or Patriot-way;
Yet simple Nature to his hopes had given
Out of a cloud-capp’d head a humbler heaven;
Some untam’d World in depths of wood embraced—
Some happier Island in the watry-waste—
And where admitted to that equal sky,
His faithful Dog should bear him company.
In a word, by thus introducing an entire new set of objects to his Imagination, I shall unavoidably give a Diversion to his passionate and love-sick Contemplations. In the meantime,