“Not nappy time yet, buddy.” Sonya nudged him as she took out a manila envelope. “We have some super-secret agent stuff to talk about.”
Roen perked up. He liked the sound of that. This whole alien-in-his-body was starting to sound better and better. First, he got to hang out with a hot girl, and now he was going to be James Bond.
He would have to go shopping for a new wardrobe to fit his new role. Roen imagined a long trench coat like Neo, with cool sunglasses and a big gun hanging at his waist. Maybe he could have a secret weapons locker built in his closet or by the laundry hamper. Or better yet, it could be a compartment that opens once he turned some hidden lever. Turn the faucet left two turns, pull Brave New World on the shelf, tap the alarm clock twice; bam, machine gun! Would he need to learn to tango for infiltrating enemy galas?
You are an idiot sometimes. Do you know that? This is not a Hollywood movie and we are not taking direction from CIA for Dummies. And being an agent is not the same as being a spy. You have no idea what clandestine work is like. You might not be suited for it.
“Why not? You won’t know until I try.”
First of all, it is tedious, and you have the attention span of a fruit fly.
Roen was about to protest and then shrugged. A guy couldn’t argue with the truth.
Second of all, a good spy is a good actor and liar. You are terrible at both.
“I am not that bad!”
Look, Roen, I have seen you play poker and lie to your friends. You are bad at both. You start breathing heavily, you avoid eye contact, and you fidget. Trust me. Everyone picks up on that. Why do you think you always come out of those games broke? For now, focus on your physical deficiencies and the technical knowledge necessary to be an agent. The rest will come in time. We can worry about the finer points of subterfuge later.
“So.” Sonya curtsied flamboyantly. “Welcome to Sonya’s Crash Course School of Secret Agents. Congratulations, you survived your first morning. Here is your merit badge and cookie. Tell him, Bob, what does he win?”
“Tao, I think I love her. She’s hot and a geek.”
She is so far out of your league that you are not even playing the same sport.
“Can I ask her out? Is there some rule about agents dating other agents?”
You have had many bad ideas over the past month. That one is the worst of all.
She handed him the envelope – and the small black box – with a flourish. “Welcome to the network.”
Roen took the items and looked them over. This must be one of those secret agent box-that-wasn’t-a-box things. On the top was a white button with large lettering on top saying You Break It You Buy It. He had a sudden urge to push the button, but stopped himself. “What does it mean?” he asked.
“It means,” Sonya said, “you are officially a novice agent and will be on active duty. You didn’t think the Prophus were in the business of handing out free personal training, did you?”
“What? Tao, you never told me this. What happened to no strings attached?”
I never said that. I did tell you though, that you would be called to duty very soon. You have to earn your keep somehow.
Roen’s heart began to hammer in his chest, his feel-good warm fuzzies disappearing in a puff of smoke. His hands shook as he held up the envelope and tried to see through it. “What’s in it?” he gulped. “Do I have to kill somebody or something?”
Sonya walked up and gave him a hug. Roen inhaled her sweet scent of apricots and citrus. She pulled back, took out her pistol, placed it in his lap, and smiled, none too sweetly. “This evening actually. You need to assassinate the President of the Philippines.”
She laughed at the wide-eyed look of panic on his face and shook her head. “Gullible, aren’t you?” She took back the pistol and winked. “I wouldn’t worry too much. First missions are softballs, and in your case, I made sure you’re playing t-ball. Why don’t you read through the briefing? When you’re done, we can go over it. And do hurry; it’s time-sensitive.”
“Time-sensitive? You mean this stuff will be out of date if I read too slowly?”
She rolled her eyes. “It means the packet combusts into a little ball of fire in four hours or when you press that button, so you better start reading.”
He dropped the envelope as if it had bitten him. “You gave me a bomb?”
“It’s a fail-safe, Roen.” She shrugged. “Just open it.”
How is that for James Bond-like? This message will self-destruct in ten…
“Shut up, Tao. And that’s Inspector Gadget, anyway.”
Touchy right now, hmm?
Roen wasn’t sure what made him more apprehensive; that he was now involved in this crazy world of danger, or that this packet could blow up in his hands. His once safe – albeit boring – life had just crashed around him, and all the warmth and appreciation he had for Tao for helping him with his health disappeared.
But this was what he was training for, right? This was what the Prophus wanted him to do, to complete their objectives. They didn’t give him access to this incredible gym just so he could turn his life around and look for his inner six-pack abs. Sonya wasn’t here for his personal betterment, nor was she here to make him feel better about himself. This was all done so he could become one of them, a Prophus agent.
What did Tao say that night when the Genjix jerk jumped him? The Prophus are waging a war for humanity’s sake. Roen Tan had become a soldier in that war. His life would no longer be a wasted one, sitting in a cubicle, working at a job he hated. Before Tao, the world didn’t care if Roen existed or not. He didn’t matter. And now that the chance to make a difference was lying in an envelope in front of him, his new reality hit him like a bucket of cold water.
“I can make a difference,” he said under his breath. He stared at the packet and picked it up. Roen took a deep breath and ripped the corner off. “So be it, let’s get started.” There was no use in shirking his responsibilities. He might as well just face them head on.
Sonya stared at him, a small smile on her face. She walked over to the cabinet, grabbed two lowball glasses, poured some scotch in each glass, and handed one to him. Roen clinked glasses with her and downed the drink in one gulp as he went over the contents.
The documents reminded him of the welcome packet he received when he first started his desk job. Besides a rather generic letter welcoming him to the network, there were several pages of security guidelines that he had to read through. Another document had his network email address, ID and password, and several security codes he had to memorize. There was also a passport and driver’s license for a Hamilton Lee, a smartphone, and a map of Chicago with several red circles drawn all over it.
That is your fake identity in case you are wondering.
“This is so cool.”
You are easily amused. Memorize all of this by tonight.
“What? All of it?”
Of course. You need to start using an undetectable alias.
“Gahh… it’s like homework.”
You think the life of an agent is all fun and games?
Roen finished reading the first set of documents and picked up the second, which was only a page long. It was his first mission. The details were sparse. It instructed him to reconnoiter an area off the coast of Lake Michigan for five nights. He flipped the page over and looked up. “That’s it? This is my mission, to stare at a patch of pond for a week? What kind of assignment is this?”