He found himself wondering if they wouldn't all be better off dead, and shied away from the thought skittishly. But wasn't it true? The thought was inexorable. The pain in his feet would double, perhaps treble before the end came, and the pain seemed insupportable now. And it was not even pain that was the worst. It was the death, the constant death, the stink of carrion that had settled into his nostrils. The crowd's cheers were a constant background to his thoughts. The sound lulled him. He began to doze again, and this time it was the image of Jan that came. For a while he had forgotten all about her. In a way, he thought disjointedly, it was better to doze than to sleep. The pain in his feet and his legs seemed to belong to someone else to whom he was tethered only loosely, and with just a little effort he could regulate his thoughts. Put them to work for him.
He built her image slowly in his mind. Her small feet. Her sturdy but completely feminine legs - small calves swelling to full earthy peasant thighs. Her waist was small, her breasts full and proud. The intelligent, rounded planes of her face. Her long blond hair. Whore's hair he thought it for some reason. Once he had told her that - it had simply slipped out and he thought she would be angry, but she had not replied at all. He thought she had been secretly pleased...
It was the steady, reluctant contraction in his bowels that raised him this time. He had to grit his teeth to keep walking at speed until the sensation had passed. The fluorescent dial on his watch said it was almost one o'clock.
Oh God, please don't make me have to take a crap in front of all these people. Please God. I'll give You half of everything I get if I win, only please constipate me. Please. Please. Pl—
His bowels contracted again, strongly and hurtfully, perhaps affirming the fact that he was still essentially healthy in spite of the pounding his body had taken. He forced himself to go on until he had passed out of the merciless glare of the nearest overhead. He nervously unbuckled his belt, paused, then, grimacing, shoved his pants down with one hand held protectively across his genitals, and squatted. His knees popped explosively. The muscles in his thighs and calves protested screamingly and threatened to knot as they were bullied unwillingly in a new direction.
“Warning! Warning 47!”
“John! Hey Johnny, look at that poor bastard over there.”
Pointing fingers, half-seen and half-imagined in the darkness. Flashbulbs popped and Garraty turned his head away miserably. Nothing could be worse than this. Nothing.
He almost fell on his back and managed to prop himself up with one arm.
A squealing, girlish voice: “I see it! I see his thing!”
Baker passed him without a glance.
For a terrifying moment he thought it was all going to be for nothing anyway — a false alarm — but then it was all right. He was able to take care of business. Then, with a grunting half-sob, he rose to his feet and stumbled into a half-walk, half-run, cinching his pants tight again, leaving part of him behind to steam in the dark, eyed avidly by a thousand people - bottle it! put it on your mantel! The shit of a man with his life laid straight out in the line! This is it, Betty, I told you we had something special in the game room... right up here, over the stereo. He was shot twenty minutes later...
He caught up with McVries and walked beside him, head down.
“Tough?” McVries asked. There was unmistakable admiration in his voice.
“Real tough,” Garraty said, and let out a shivery, loosening sigh. “I knew I forgot something.”
“What?”
“I left my toilet paper home.”
McVries cackled. “As my old granny used to say, if you ain't got a cob, then just let your hips slide a little freer.”
Garraty burst out laughing, a clear, hearty laugh with no hysteria in it. He felt lighter, looser. No matter how things turned out, he wouldn't have to go through that again.
“Well, you made it,” Baker said, falling in step.
“Jesus,” Garraty said, surprised. “Why don't all you guys just send me a get-well card, or something?”
“It's no fun, with all those people staring at you,” Baker said soberly. “Listen, I just heard something. I don't know if I believe it. I don't know if I even want to believe it.”
“What is it?” Garraty asked.
“Joe and Mike? The leather-jacket guys everybody thought was queer for each other? They're Hopis. I think that was what Scramm was trying to tell us before, and we weren't gettin' him. But... see... what I hear is that they're brothers.”
Garraty's jaw dropped.
“I walked up and took a good look at 'em,” Baker was going on. “And I'll be goddamned if they don't look like brothers.”
“That's twisted,” McVries said angrily. “That's fucking twisted! Their folks ought to be Squaded for allowing something like that!”
“You ever know any Indians?” Baker asked quietly.
“Not unless they came from Passaic,” McVries said. He still sounded angry.
“There's a Seminole reservation down home, across the state line,” Baker said. “They're funny people. They don't think of things like 'responsibility' the same way we do. They're proud. And poor. I guess those things are the same for the Hopis as they are for the Seminoles. And they know how to die.”
“None of that makes it right,” McVries said.
“They come from New Mexico,” Baker said.
“It's an abortion,” McVries said with finality, and Garraty tended to agree.
Talk flagged all up and down the line, partially because of the noise from the crowd, but more, Garraty suspected, because of the very monotony of the turnpike itself. The hills were long and gradual, barely seeming like hills. Walkers dozed, snorted fitfully, and seemed to pull their belts tighter and resign themselves to a long, barely understood bitterness ahead. The little clots of society dissolved into threes, twos, solitary islands.
The crowd knew no fatigue. They cheered steadily with one hoarse voice, they waved unreadable placards. Garraty's name was shouted with monotonous frequency, but blocs of out-of-staters cheered briefly for Barkovitch, Pearson, Wyman. Other names blipped past and were gone with the speeding velocity of snow across a television screen.
Firecrackers popped and spluttered in strings. Someone threw a burning road flare into the cold sky and the crowd scattered, screaming, as it pin-wheeled down to hiss its glaring purple light into the dirt of a gravel shoulder beyond the breakdown lane. There were other crowd standouts. A man with an electric bullhorn who alternately praised Garraty and advertised his own candidacy to represent the second district; a woman with a big crow in a small cage which she hugged jealously to her giant bosom; a human pyramid made out of college boys in University of New Hampshire sweatshirts; a hollow-cheeked man with no teeth in an Uncle Sam suit wearing a sign which said: WE GAVE AWAY THE PANAMA CANAL TO THE COMMUNIST NIGGERS. But otherwise the crowd seemed as dull and bland as the turnpike itself.
Garraty dozed on fitfully, and the visions in his head were alternately of love and horror. In one of the dreams a low and droning voice asked over and over again: Are you experienced? Are you experienced? Are you experienced? and he could not tell if it was the voice of Stebbins or of the Major.
CHAPTER 12