‘What I don’t want is for any of you to keep a diary, or make notes, or start letters which you won’t have the opportunity to finish – or post. Filling in diaries while on board will be frowned on, because all details of this trip must be kept secret. Your memories must black out whatever takes place. At the end of our journey, navigation and wireless logs will be handed in. Stray chits for calculation, or bits of paper containing call signs, or inside-out pieces of cigarette packets with engine performances or fuel consumptions scribbled on them will be handed in to me. In other words, whatever happens is not to be communicated to the press, nor any information given to people not permitted to receive it. Everything is restricted, and for official use only. That is to say: ours, and nobody else’s. But mostly I’m talking about diaries and journals, because none of us want to be incriminated for minor breaches of the international navigation laws which we might inadvertently make. It’s too easy for written evidence to be used against us in a court of law.’
He was talking to himself.
‘Roger,’ I said.
So did Rose.
Then Wilcox and the others gave their assent.
Nash added: ‘I never wrote anything in my life, Skipper. It’s not my style. If I don’t keep a log, I don’t have to cook it!’
Bennett laughed. ‘Hi-di-hi!’
‘Ho-di-ho!’ said Nash.
I tucked the notes I had made into my left flying boot. If he expected me to eat them, or turn the wad in, he couldn’t have been more wrong. He hoped one of us would produce that scrap of paper so mindlessly dropped. Rose winked, and I gave the thumbs-up.
I tapped out a few signals, hoping none of the crew would hear, but the contacts bled all over the intercom.
‘Splashing a bag of Dolly Mixtures across the sky, Sparks?’
‘Only testing, Skipper. I disconnected the aerial.’
‘Didn’t sound like it. If God gets a bearing on us, we’re doomed. He’s a sharp old bastard.’
‘He’d have to be, to get that.’
‘So pack it in. When I say we’re on radio silence, don’t play roulette with those nursery-coloured clickstops. Put the silencer on your heartbeats – like me. Everything provides a fix for some big-eared operator in the sky, or on the sea. Any more playing around and even the Radio Doctor won’t get you going again. Just grow up, and do as I say. There’s always someone in the world sharper than you.’
I saw his back, solid and unmoving, protecting his heart, keeping a straight course and constant speed, as if he didn’t even trust the automatic pilot.
‘Tore a strip off you, did he?’ said Wilcox.
I gave him the fuck-off sign, and fished into my bag for the Smith and Wesson. With enough rounds for all emergencies, it nestled solidly among my possessions, the cold-comforter from Malaya that I was glad I’d got. Fired at Bennett, the great plane would cone into the sea before Rose and I (and maybe Wilcox) could get him out of the seat and set the kite back on an even keel.
My brain was no good. I had betrayed myself. To pit my endurance against the circling rush of electrified air was all I could manage. Murderous action was only fit for a theatre, preferably while I watched and, when excitement became too intense, hoped the curtain would descend and leave me with my own inactive reality.
Bennett inhabited the whole stage because, at one with his imagination, he felt no division such as that between the two that lurked in me. He sat at the controls of a world that was bigger to him than any other, as if not even God could break the unity of his cast-iron obsession. I contemplated destroying him before he could lead us into danger. But that would mean entering the zone of his obsession, where all thought would be clouded, and success elude me. The only way to fight was to get back to work, and establish a life-line to the outside world.
The more I searched, and found nothing, the more vulnerable I felt the flying boat to be. Instead of holding the loaded gun at Bennett’s back I pinned myself to the tuning dials, knowing that nothing short of disaster could lift any of us from our private worlds. I heard Royal Navy ships sending to each other, and to Trincomalee in Ceylon. Their call signs seemed as far off as the Line of Capricorn, and pipingly distinct. They were the great morse-soloists of the age, brisk telegraphists whose machine-like rhythm was a pleasure to listen to. I noted their direction, and wanted to know whether they were frigates, destroyers or survey ships; whether they weren’t caught in the flurrying tail of a monsoon, or smudges of smoke on the placid sea. What was the purpose of their manoeuvres? I looked out, as if beyond the earth’s curvature, to force ship or plane into vision. But from the window of my flying radio shack, there was empty sea, and my effort at hallucination could not populate that vacant water.
I was glad to get back to my place, where the faintest squeak was backed by an intelligence that had initialled its duration and the leap of its distance – the Heaviside ricochet piercing the static racket. Whatever had diminished the power of its pure note, and furred the lines of clarity on its way from the transmitter, must be the same force that prevented me asking questions by which I might have bottled all problems up. Nothing could be done to cure my impotence, however, or resolve my ignorance. I had always been shifted by fate, something which I had known long ago.
Perhaps the Navy ships had nothing more to say. I missed their robust precision. From our freebooting flying boat the tenuous connection of their signals had comforted me, and now their absence exaggerated my isolation. Rose called out a course correction, and Bennett took us a few degrees to port. The local time was ten minutes to five in the afternoon. A ceiling of highball cumulus, speckled cloud ragged at the edges of its denser parts, formed at twenty thousand feet, sun filtering through bars which kept us prisoners from the universe beyond.
I was divided between regret at having signed on, and enjoying the adventure I had let myself in for. Harmony could only be maintained by doing my job. But the split, being necessary, would need a third of me to keep them under control, which led me to wonder what other part of me would keep them in order? Only all states fusing into one, and fuelled by the conveniently forgotten split, could ensure self-preservation.
In the meantime, as dusk came on, I had to accept that there was no safety for one unless there was safety for all. The next moment I told myself again that I couldn’t care less, but the part of me that knew better, earthed as much as it could be in such a place, continued to search the ether.
12
Dusk was gunmetal blue, and smelled of sulphur. There was an ominous wall of cloud to climb over, or fly under, or get around, and I could think of nothing except what we would find on the eastern side after travailing all night along the cone-like convergence. The new day would bring us to the island, and events beyond that were too much in the unknown to contemplate. But the darkness remained, and though my awareness of Bennett’s intentions and Rose’s fears had faded, and questions as to our future seemed irrelevant, I vacillated in mood between feeling entirely beleaguered and fitting in with the general pattern. I could not think why the night would demand all my attention, but decided that no matter what conflict erupted among the crew, I would remain as the radio operator whose duty it was to stay on watch for whatever information I could obtain to keep the plane secure. The flying boat was our world, and I did not want the world to end. Against the bumps of the elements it was flimsy, but the enclosed space was safe, and I was the ears of its inhabitants, doomed though they might be, able to hear from the outside, as well as having eyes with which to bear witness on the inside. Being the sort of person I knew myself to be was the extent of my power. I could fulfil my function, nothing more.