When she sees me alone she goes pale.
“Where is he?”
I take her by the arm. She trembles, light to my touch. We climb the stairs to the room, she leans on me. I take out the key and open the door, curious to see if he’s still here or if he’s already flown away through the window.
NA’IM — DAFI
I know there’s nobody in the house but I ring the doorbell anyway wait ring again wait ring for the last time and there’s no answer. Ring for the very last time and still no answer, knock a few times, no answer. I put the key in the lock, one last ring and I open the door. The house is dark, all the blinds closed like they’ve all gone out and they’re not coming back for a long time. I’ll write him a note and go. First let’s just go to her room, have a look at it, lie down for a while on the beloved bed, and go …
There’s a ring at the door. Who can it be? Another ring. I don’t feel like getting up. If it’s the postman he can use the letter box. Another ring. He’s persistent. Now he’s knocking. Maybe I ought to get up. Suddenly it sounds like somebody trying to put a key in the lock … A short ring and the door opens. Who is it? Somebody walking into the house. Light footsteps. A thief in the morning? Now he’s coming straight into my room. Oh, help …
But there is somebody here … Dafi lying in bed in a dark room. Her head on the pillow, her blond hair all over the place. She’s alone in the house. Too late to run away.
“It’s only me …” I mumble. “I didn’t think there was anyone at home. Are you sick?”
But it’s only Na’im. So what? Daddy’s given him a key to the house. He’s surprised to find me here. The sweet little Palestinian Problem blushes, says hurriedly, stammering:
“It’s only me … I didn’t think there was anyone at home. Are you sick?”
“No, I’m not sick … just lying down … did Daddy send you to fetch something?”
“Yes … no … not exactly. I’m looking for him … hasn’t he come back from Jerusalem yet?”
“No … why?”
“I wanted to tell him something.”
“Tell me.”
“No, I’m not sick …” She goes all red, wrapping herself up tight in the blanket, maybe she’s naked underneath. “Just lying down … did Daddy send you to fetch something?”
What can I say? They’re sure to find out about the key and then I’m fucked.
“Yes …”
But she’ll find out in the end that it’s a lie.
“No … not exactly… I’m looking for him … hasn’t he come back from Jerusalem yet?”
“No … why?”
“I wanted to tell him something.”
“Tell me.”
She smiles such a sweet smile.
What can I say to her? Lying there in those flowery pyjamas. What can I say to her? I love you. I’ve always loved you …
“The old woman’s dying … and I came here to say I’m resigning …”
“Resigning from what?”
“I’m resigning from the job … I’ve got no strength left …”
“Strength for what?” She smiles with disdain.
All these cursed questions –
“Strength to look after her. She’s really dying.”
“I thought she was looking after you … that’s what Daddy said …”
“What’s that? It isn’t true …”
That really annoys me. And suddenly I feel all weak. My breath stops short. Her feet are peeping out from under the blanket, she sits up a bit … her blouse is open … no bra … I see something soft and white, her feet disappear again … I start to shake inside … I shall kill her …
How serious he is, this boy, you could die. Blushing all the time. Anyway he’s changed an awful lot. That thick mane of curly hair and those clothes. Who bought them for him? Glaring at me so fiercely you’d think he wanted to kill me. Staring at me, studying me, those hot Arab eyes, something a bit foggy about them. I just hope he doesn’t run away suddenly.
“The old woman’s dying … and I came here to say I’m resigning …”
What a crisis. The Prime Minister’s resigning.
“Resigning from what?”
“I’m resigning from the job … I’ve no strength left …”
Strength for what? You’d think he’d been working hard lately. He’s funny, and so serious and grim. I wish he’d give me just a little smile.
“Strength for what?” I smile at him.
It’s obvious these questions are annoying him, but what can I do, otherwise he’ll run away from here.
“Strength to look after her.”
The swine! He’s looking after her? And Daddy said she was looking after him, she was in love with him.
“I thought she was looking after you.”
Now he really gets mad. I’ve offended him.
“What’s that? It isn’t true …”
I sit up in bed. His eyes are blazing. That voice of his, a bit hoarse, that cute accent. He’ll catch fire in a moment. The poor schmuck is in love with me, I know. But he’s worried about his pride, their famous pride. I must hold him, get his rocks off before he goes.
“Why don’t you sit down for a bit, if you’ve got time. You can resign later.”
A smile at last. He looks around for somewhere to sit, but the only chair’s covered in clothes. He comes to the bed and sits on the edge. Something warm and solid in the distance.
Silence. I watch him all the time. He sits there, his head bowed, trying to think of something to say.
“School finished already?” he asks suddenly.
“For me.”
She doesn’t understand anything. She never will understand. What’s hurting me. How lonely I am. With her mother and father in this lovely house. Lying there in bed with no worries. What does she know about anything? And suddenly she smiles at me, a long, nice sort of smile. I love her more and more. Maybe there’s hope after all.
“Why don’t you sit down for a bit, if you’ve got time. You can resign later.”
So sweet –
I look for a place to sit. The chair beside the table is covered in clothes, a blouse, a little bra, underwear, things I don’t know anything about. In the end I decide to sit on the bed, I sit on the edge, feeling her legs move, something warm and soft. I stare at the floor, at her slippers that I wore once, they’ve got a bit tattered since then. She’s looking at me all the time and smiling. What does she want? She’d better stop smiling like that or I’ll kiss her so hard she’ll be sorry. What’s she doing? Her legs move underneath me. It’s quiet. So quiet.
“School finished already?” I ask her, to keep the conversation going.
“For me,” she says, still smiling. “They expelled me!”
“What? They expelled you?”
“You heard me. I insulted one of the teachers and the headmaster expelled me.”
“How did you insult him?”
And she tells me what happened. Very strange. She’s really a bit unbalanced. I’ve noticed it before.
“Why didn’t you say you were sorry?”
“I was crazy.”
The warmth that she gives off. Her flushed face. This smooth skin. Tits, yes, real tits, little ones, peeping out through her sleeve. I must be strong, not give up. The time has come, the main thing is not to lose the conversation. Suppose I just take her and kiss her. What could happen? Anyway I’ve already resigned.
“They expelled me,” I say and he’s astonished, doesn’t believe it.
“What? They expelled you?”
“You heard me. I insulted one of the teachers and the headmaster expelled me.”