Thus was the cup of felicity dashed untasted from my lips at the very moment that I would have sworn no earthly power could have torn it from me.
In an instant she sprung from the bed and throwing herself into a chair buried her face in her hands and sobbed convulsively-nay, such was the violence of her emotions that her trembling frame seemed as though shook by an ague.
I ventured to approach, to take her hand; she instantly withdrew it as though stung by a scorpion; I fell upon my knees and humbly implore her pity and forgiveness. At length she condescends to speak, but not in anger; she acquits me of all blame, accusing only herself; a hundred times she curses her own weakness in allowing me an opportunity to transgress so deeply; she begs me to retire, with averted face, declaring that the guilty knowledge I had acquired would render it impossible for her to look me in the face again.
Confused and mortified, I begged the favour of her hand at parting; she complies but on one condition, a promise that I would quit my lodging at the earliest opportunity, and never from henceforth endeavour to hold converse with her more.
At this moment a plan suggested itself to my inventive mind, which I resolved to put into practice on the instant; I consequently left her with these words: "Well, dearest, since such is your final determination, farewell for ever! I leave you with a conviction that you have never really loved me. But no matter; despised by you, and banished from your dear presence, life has no longer any charms for me; and since the fond delusion is destroyed which bade me live for you, I fly to death as to a last sad refuge; and surely when you learn my hopeless fate, you'll drop a sympathising tear to my memory, as conscience whispers to your heart-'he died for me!' "
I entered my own room and immediately closing my door, turned the key, but in such a manner that, although the door appeared to be fast locked, it would require very little violence to force it open. Every circumstance occurred most favourable for my design. Emma had gone out for the day, and Bessy and myself were the only inmates of the house.
I made considerable noise with the key, as I thus partially turned it in the lock, on purpose to arrest the attention of my weeping enchantress and alarm her fears; then, placing a table directly underneath a strong staple that for some particular purpose had been driven into the ceiling by a former tenant, I untied my neckcloth and tearing it nearly in two-so that it would break entirely with the slightest effort-and ascending the table I tied one end to the staple and fastened the other round my neck; then pushing the table (upon which stood various articles of valueless crockery) over with my foot, it fell with a violent crash, and at the same instant I alighted on the ground in perfect safety, the handkerchief having, as I expected, given way, and I extended myself upon the floor with my face towards the boards where I lay apparently without life or motion!
My Bessy, as I expected, alarmed at the tremendous clatter occasioned by the fall of the table, crockery, and myself, flew to my door, and upon receiving no answer as she pronounced my name, a dread of something fearful having occurred instantly filled her mind, and as my parting words recurred to her memory she threw herself with violence against the door, which instantly yielding flew wide open.
It would be absolutely impossible with words to describe the intense horror of her mind as she gazed upon the scene which met her view; and as she discovered the fragment of the handkerchief which still hung suspended from the staple, she in a moment guessed the fatal truth (1) and rushing to the spot on which I still lay prostrate, endeavoured to raise me in her arms, and with her scissors cut away the remaining portion, which upon her entrance I had contrived to press more tightly round my throat; she continued to rub my hands and bathe my temples with cold water for several minutes ere I thought proper to evince the least sign of returning animation; and when at last, with a groan of anguish I unclosed my eyes, gazing wildly around, and, with a look bordering on insanity, begged to be left to my unhappy fate, her tears flowed thick and fast, and flinging her arms around my neck, while pressing me to her bosom, she exclaimed, "Do you not know me, love? Speak to me-for God's sake, speak! 'Tis I, your own Bessy!"
As yet I deemed it prudent not to recognize her; but, looking at her with a vacant stare, sank from her arms in a state of seeming insensibility upon the floor.
Her distracted fears now imparted to her delicate frame the strength of a maniac; she turned me over upon my back with the same apparent ease as she could have turned a child; and now her tears, protestations, self-reproaches began to have a visible effect and rendered it expedient that I should gradually recover, as my emotions speedily threatened to betray me.
I once more opened my eyes, and seeming to recognise my supporter, faintly exclaimed, "How is it that I see you here? Tell me what has happened? Ah! now I remember all. Why, oh, why endeavour to restore me thus to life and misery? Go-leave me to my fate."
She answered, weeping, "Cruel man, why seek to do a deed that would render me for ever wretched. Had you succeeded in this mad attempt, think you that I could have survived, knowing myself to be cause of your despair? Compose yourself, my dearest, only love! Never again shall you complain of my unkindness."
And then she pressed a kiss upon my lips, sweet as the opening breath of a summer morn to new-born roses. Supported in her arms, I reached my bed; she placed me gently upon it and in a tone of sweet solicitation begged that I would not move until she returned. In less than five minutes she re-entered, having prepared a glass of brandy and water, which, in compliance with her earnest entreaty, I received from her hands and soon, of course, am wonderfully revived by its refreshing influence.
And now I feel her taper fingers moving cautiously about my neck; they anxiously endeavour to ascertain the extent of injury I had sustained in that quarter; but placing my arm around her waist, I eased her of her apprehensions by declaring that "I felt no wound but that her love would heal."
She answered with a look of fond reproach, "And yet you would be so wicked as to attempt an act which had it been completed, oh! what a wretch should I have been ere now. And though I value honour more than my own life, I feel-I own-that even that should be sacrificed rather than yours should be again by any fault of mine endangered."
At this generous declaration, I drew her to my bosom, covering her sweet face with amorous kisses; and though my hand presses her heaving breast, no spark of anger flashes from her brilliant eyes, now dimmed with the humid moisture of love and soft desire!
Encouraged by her passive bearing, each obstacle that for so many weary months had kept me from the haven of her arms was rapidly removed; no murmuring sound of disapproval escapes her lips; the beauteous objects "that charm my dazzled gaze are such as might have tempted Jove himself to quit his famed Elysium to secure!
No longer she opposes me. On the contrary, her deft fingers aid my awkward fumblings, and unasked by me she lets fall her last garment and stands before me naked.
"See here, my beloved!" — the words come swift and low from between her parted lips-"See here, my beloved! Because of my so long resisting you, you deem me cold and unloving. This is my answer. I give you my naked body to do with as you list. My breasts-for you to kiss and suck! My arms-to clasp your neck. My belly-for yours to rock upon! My legs-to coil and twist about your loins. And here (give me your hand) a pair of soft lips pouting for the joy they are about to feel when this noble fellow I am grasping goes pushing his lustful way between them and buries his rosy head in my womb. Come, my darling boy, come! lie between my legs and do with me and let me for the first time in my life taste the delights of knowing that I have within me the object of the man I love!"