I soon perceived, however, that her thoughts were not entirely fixed on the book, which she soon closed and, turning to me, remarked how delighted she had been the evening before with a song she had heard me sing; and having named it, I began, in my very best mannerMy heart with love is beating; and, as a reward, clasped her round the waist and stole a kiss from her pouting lips, she making but a slight resistance.
I now drew my chair still closer, and turning the conversation to the book before mentioned, found an opportunity of remarking, "What a number of those unfortunate females were then living in the neighbourhood."
Wishing her to think me more of a man than I really was, I repeated this speech, which I had heard in conversation a few days before, with an air which seemed to imply a more extensive knowledge of the subject than I really possessed, but I was greatly surprised at her answering, "There is, indeed; and I was very near being made one myself. I became acquainted with a young girl, who it seems was no better than she should be; but my mother, seeing us together, gave me a severe beating and desired me never to be seen in such company again."
I now began to suspect that my fair companion knew more than she chose to confess; and, drawing her lips close to mine, I stopped her breath with the ardour and rapidity of my kisses. She struggled, and declared that unless I remained quiet, she would leave the room.
However, this threat did not deter me; I found her struggles grow weaker and weaker every moment, and was satisfied that her anger was mere affectation.
Emboldened by this thought, I proceeded to still greater liberties.
Plunging my right hand beneath her bodice I laid a firm but gentle grasp upon her left breast, pressing and moulding it tenderly, while now and again I touched the nipple with an amorous finger. Her lovely bosom heaved wildly at my rude attack; she shuddered, apparently at my violence, yet no angry word escaped her lips; but, when she found that I was endeavouring to make further encroachments, with a sudden effort she released herself from my embrace.
I trembled with emotion; and though I expected a repulse I follow her.
She sinks into a chair, and with her hands conceals her lovely face. I fall upon my knees and crave forgiveness. I seize her hand with the most indescribable emotion; I beg but one kind word to seal my pardon — which she refuses! Ah! can I believe my senses? She smiles upon, me!
Her hand-oh, transport! — now returns the pressure! In a moment after, I forgot my promise and need forgiveness more than ever. She shakes with apprehension.
"For mercy's sake! I'll call my mistress! I'll-"
But I turned a deaf ear to her entreaties and pressed her still closer to my breast; vainly she endeavoured to extricate herself from my embrace; till at length, finding every effort useless, she abandoned the attempt; a flood of tears flowed from her beauteous eyes, she threw her arms around my neck, and her head sunk gently upon my shoulder.
As if by instinct my hand wandered up her petticoats, and by way of her slender ankle, swelling calf and rounded thighs, passed swiftly to the door of the temple of love which at once opened and closed upon the entering stranger.
Thus we remained several minutes, in a dream of blissful insensibility; and notwithstanding my conviction that my happiness, great as I imagined it to be, was yet capable of increase, I sought not to pursue the advantage I had gained; I understood not the precise nature of the end which I wished to gain, and although my kisses were returned with fervour, the virtue of the blooming Mary remained pure as before my ardent declaration of love. It was certainly not my forbearance that she had to thank, but my entire ignorance of the why and the wherefore. I understood that something more was wanting to complete my happiness, but knew not how to secure the phantom of my boyish dreams. Nature, however, is a kind instructress, and I have no doubt would have solved the problem in a few minutes more, when suddenly the parlour door unclosed and Mary was called up to clear the supper table.
Thus did my evil genius interpose and dashed the cup of happiness from my lips before I had tasted of its sweetness. I know not whether Mary had grown more cautious or that her mistress suspected my intention, but certain it is that although my visits were constantly repeated I never found an opportunity of completing my conquest.
It would be tedious to enumerate the various adventures I met with at this period, which were interrupted in a similar manner to the one just mentioned. So frequently did they occur that I began to despair of ever being made supremely blessed, and thought that fate itself conspired against my happiness.
Previous to relating my next adventure it will be necessary to observe that my mother had become acquainted with a young widow; she had a daughter some two years younger than myself who was really a very beautiful girl. They took apartments in our house, but in consequence of mother giving up housekeeping, the acquaintance was discontinued, till one day meeting the daughter by chance she insisted on my calling on mamma, who expressed great delight at seeing me.
At parting I gave her my address and the acquaintance was renewed even more intimately than before.
I was now fourteen years old, and Jane had just turned twelve, but was to all appearance quite as old as myself; her mother was nearly thirty, but a beautiful shape and a youthful countenance made her appear not more than twenty-five.
Miss Jane appeared to my admiring fancy the very person I should in a few years select for a wife; and this being my determination, I was, as may be supposed, absent from their dwelling as seldom as possible; in fact, I could go nowhere without my dear Jane accompanying me, and few lads of my age saw more company abroad. My voice and judgment had greatly improved, so much so, that Mr. W-ll, an eminent musicmaster, had, on hearing me sing, offered to procure me an engagement at one of the patent theatres, which offer, not according with the wishes of my mother, was rejected. Notwithstanding this, I was continually complying with the solicitations of professional gentlemen to sing at their concerts, etc., at most of which Jane was my constant companion.
On those evenings when I had no musical engagements I invariably visited the widow and her amiable daughter, and now I began to perceive that the widow herself became more pointed in her attentions to me, which increased at every meeting. She was a passionate admirer of music, and was continually entreating me to sing; on these occasions I frequently, in the midst of a song, observed her eyes fixed steadfastly on my face, while the tears flowed plentifully down her cheeks; and more than once she pressed my hand and wished that I was older; upon my innocently inquiring the cause, she would waive the subject; at other times she would gaze upon the portrait of her late husband, and afterwards gazing upon me, remark the striking likeness I bore to him, and saying that that alone was sufficient to make her love me more than all the world besides.
I now began to suspect that it would be my own fault if I did not improve these hints to my own advantage. I have before observed, that although nearly thirty, she looked much younger, possessing a beautiful face and figure, and when you add to these attractions the powerful vanity of a boy, not yet fifteen, to find himself beloved by a fine woman, no one will wonder at my determination to take advantage of the sentiments the widow entertained towards me.
Thus resolved, I seized an opportunity, when she expressed her regret that I was so very young, to ask why that should be a cause of sorrow to her. It would be impossible to describe the confusion that seemed to overwhelm her at this question. She endeavoured to change the subject, but I was not to be diverted from my purpose. Finding me so resolutely bent on receiving an answer, no longer hesitating, she threw her arms around my neck and, laying her head on my shoulder, acknowledged that she loved me tenderly and felt dreadfully unhappy at the conviction that the difference of our ages prevented even a momentary hope that I could ever become her husband.