Before I had time to frame a reply to this significant speech, we had reached the object of our solicitude, and on requesting to know the cause of his singular behaviour he begged of us to leave him, adding in a tone perfectly ridiculous, "Let me die here! My wife despises me. I know that I did not behave well to her in the beginning of the evening and have lost her affections for ever-ah! for ever! I see that she loves you better far than me; but it's all my own folly. I do not believe that she means anything wrong, nor am I angry with you, sir; I have only myself to thank-you cannot help it; no, it's my own fault. I'm quite sure she'll hate me now and do not care to live; so here goes!" and with renewed violence he again began to punish the unoffending gate with his senseless sconce.
With some difficulty we prevailed on his mortified consort to accept of his proffered arm; and such was the efficacy of the arguments I adduced that on reaching home he begged pardon for having disturbed the harmony of the party by such vexatious conduct, hoping that we would attribute it to his having drunk rather more than he was accustomed to during the afternoon; and we parted on more friendly terms than could reasonably have been anticipated.
And when upon the next succeeding day,
Fast locked within my Bessy's arms I lay, Languid with bliss and love's supreme delight, Spoke of E-'s follies on the previous night;
Laughed at his bumps and self-inflicted pains And how the cuckold's horns preserved his brains!
Our intimacy continued as before, and as my wife (for by that name my Bessy had begged I would address her) had often expressed a desire to visit the Monument, a few mornings after the comical evening last described I expressed my willingness to accompany her. It so happened that we were the only visitors on this occasion. But before I proceed I will take the liberty of stating for the information of any of my readers who have never ascended this beautiful column that in order to reach the gallery you have to pass several loopholes which answer the double purpose of admitting light and air; and should the curious spectator wish to look from one of these crevices into the street he can easily gratify such desire, there being at every one a kind of landing place which will also serve as a seat should you feel yourself fatigued before arriving at the summit. On one of these did Bessy and I rest awhile in order to recover breath, after having ascended rather more than half way to the gallery. We were about to proceed when she observed that she would like to look through the loophole immediately behind us, and I assisted her to mount the landing place for that purpose; kneeling upon which, while my arm encircled her waist, she gratified her desire. But now the silent loneliness of the place, added to the peculiar situation in which I found myself, began to inspire me with thoughts, of a certain nature, to which the novelty of the idea did not a little contribute, and as I turned my eyes down the staircase of this extraordinary column with a view to discover if I had ought to fear from prying or listening intruders, I became sensible of the existence of another column, of minor dimensions certainly but equally stately and resembling its potent neighbours in more than one respect; so that I could not forbear drawing many curious comparisons as I afterwards gazed from the summit.
My dear girl being on her knees for the purpose I have before stated and I standing behind her with my arms encircling her waist, she was quick to seize my meaning when I pressed with some little force against her charming buttocks at the same passing an amorous hand beneath her petticoats.
A low cry of delight escaped her lips. "Yes! Yes!" she whispered without altering her position, save for the parting of her knees the more easily to admit whatever Heaven should be pleased to send her.
In a moment the snowy garments were folded above her hips and whiter than them all gleamed the fair rounded bottom, the two hemispheres rising into increased prominence as their owner leant upon her elbows, and by this action presented to my enraptured gaze her rosy bird's nest which seemed to wear a smile of anticipated pleasure as it peeped up at me from between the parted thighs.
With an alacrity surpassing even that with which she had seized my meaning, Bessie now shot out a hand and seized my weapon, thrust it into her orifice, carried my two hands up to her naked breasts (she had long since removed the handkerchief from her neck for coolness sake) and with many heaves of her glorious bottom and knowing contractions of her vagina upon my now superbly distended yard, cried aloud to me voluptuously to ransack her to the very womb.
I needed no second invitation but then and there in the cool seclusion of the mighty tower, my senses strung to the pitch of frenzy by the novelty of the situation and the contact of the fair body which thus knelt, as it were, in amorous subjection to my raging desires, I operated the girl of my heart with a precision of stroke, a force of penetration and an intensity of enjoyment to us both with which, as she long afterwards declared to me, she had never been mounted before or since either by me or anyone else!
Be that as it may, the recollection of this monumental exploit was never to leave our memories, and thenceforth "playing loopholes" became a favourite item in our programme of pleasure and one for which Bessie would often voluntarily throw herself into position upon her hands and knees, nor had she ever occasion to complain that her lascivious invitation was declined.
Should I however attempt to describe the whole of the numerous places, times, or poses in which we varied our delights it would occupy as many volumes as this volume will contain pages; therefore I shall content myself with naming those only which have novelty to recommend them.
But the pleasures of a man of gallantry are not unfrequently without their due portion of dangers. The sailor who fearlessly braves the perils of the stormy ocean; the soldier who stands unmoved before the gaping mouth of the fire-belching cannon, encounters no greater peril, experiences no greater number of hair-breadth escapes, than does the adventurous and no less daring lover in the pursuit of objects which to his glowing imagination are equally glorious as the laurels sought for by the above-mentioned heroes.
Of these escapes I have myself experienced a fair proportion, one of which I will here relate as a fair sample of many others too numerous to mention.
Mr. E., amongst his other classical and scientific amusements, was extremely fond of sharpening various edged tools upon a grindstone which he kept for that especial purpose in a small garden at the back of his house. One evening he brought home, on returning from his daily labour, an enormous hatchet, the property of one of his shopmates, to which he had promised to give a keen edge; this promise he performed to his own entire satisfaction previous to retiring to rest, and in the morning took his departure as usual with (as I was afterwards informed) this formidable weapon upon his shoulder.
No sooner did I hear the welcome closing of the street door than, according to custom, I repaired to the apartment he had quitted-my hand was upon the handle of the door and in another moment retreat would have been impossible. At this critical juncture I was alarmed at hearing the latchkey thrust into the lock of the street door- which, as I formerly stated, was so close to that of the parlour that my shoulder actually brushed it in passing! An icy chill ran through my frame; death in his most ghastly form flitted before my eyes! I knew that it was E. returning probably for some article forgotten in his hurry. Without waiting to turn I backed myself instinctively towards my room which fortunately I had left unfastened. I threw myself upon my bed while drops of cold perspiration bedewed my cheeks as I reflected upon the horrid scene that might by this time have commenced; for had I have been one minute sooner or he one moment later no earthly power could have prevented him from discovering me in the arms of his wife; and knowing his furious temper and jealous disposition, armed as he was with the newly sharpened hatchet, the result may very easily be imagined; and although some years have elapsed since the occurrence took place I shudder at therecollection even while I am now writing.