LaPointe doesn’t respond.
“I’ve caused you a lot of trouble, haven’t I, Claude? I’m sorry. I tried to confess twice; I tried to save you the trouble. I went to your apartment Sunday for that purpose, but that young girl was there, and I could hardly… Then again after the game, when we were in the Russian café. I wanted to tell you; I wanted to explain; but it’s so complicated. I only got as far as mentioning my sister. You remember?”
“I remember.”
“She was very pretty, my sister.” Moishe’s voice is hushed and husky. “Delicate. Almost painfully shy. She would blush at anything. Once I asked her why she was so shy in company. She said she was embarrassed. Embarrassed at what, I asked. At my blushing, she said. Claude, that is shy. To be shy about being shy, that’s shy. She… they put her into a special barracks in the camp. It was… this barracks was for the use of…”
“You don’t have to tell me all this, Moishe.”
“I know. But some things I want to tell you. Some things I want to explain… to say out loud for once. In classic drama, when a man has stepped on the inevitable treadmill of fate, he has no right to escape, to avoid punishment. But he does have a right to explain, to complain. Oedipus does not have the right to make a deal with the gods, but he has a right to bitch.” Moishe sips his schnapps. “When the word reached me through the camp grapevine that my sister was in the special barracks, do you know what my first reaction was? It was: oh, no! Not her! She’s too shy!”
LaPointe closes his eyes. He is tired to the marrow.
After a pause, Moishe continues. “She had red hair, my sister. Did you know that redheaded people blush more than others? They do. They do.”
LaPointe looks over at his friend. The finger-stained round glasses are circles of bright gray reflecting the boiling sky. The eyes are invisible. “And Yo-Yo Dery had red hair too.”
“Yes. Exactly. What a policeman you would have made.”
“You went with Yo-Yo?”
“Only once. In all my life, that was my only experience with a woman. Think of that, Claude. I am sixty-two years old, and I have had only one physical experience with a woman. Of course, in my youth I was studious… very religious. Then in early manhood other things absorbed my attention. Politics. Philosophy. Oh, there were one or two girls who attracted me. And a couple of times one thing led to another and I was very close to it. But something always went wrong. A stranger happening along the path. No place to go. Once, in a field, a sudden rainstorm…
“Then there were the years in the camp. And after that, I was here, trying to start up my little business. Oh, I don’t know. Something happens to you in the camps. First you lose your self-respect, then your appetites, eventually your mind. By clever forensics and selective forgetfulness, one can regain his self-respect. But when the appetites are gone…? And the mind…?
“So, with one thing and another, I end up a sixty-two-year-old man with only one experience of love. And it really was an experience of love, Claude. Not on her part, of course. But on mine.”
“But you couldn’t have been Claire Montjean’s father. You weren’t even in Canada—”
“No, no. By the time I met Françoise, she was experienced enough to avoid having children.”
“Françoise was Yo-Yo’s real name?”
Moishe nods, his light-filled glasses blinking. “I hated that nickname. Naturally.”
“And you only made love once?”
“Once only. And that by accident, really. I used to see her pass the shop. With men usually. Always laughing. I knew all about her; the whole street knew. But there was the red hair… and something about her eyes. She reminded me of my sister. That seems funny, doesn’t it? Someone like Françoise—hearty, loud, always having fun—reminding me of a girl so shy she blushed because she blushed? Sounds ridiculous. But not really. There was something very fragile in Françoise. Something inside her was broken. The noise she chose to make when it hurt was… laughter. But the pain was there, for those who would see it. I suppose that’s why she killed herself at last.
“And the men, Claude! The men who used her like a public toilet! The men for whom she was nothing but friction and heat and a little lubrication! None of them bothered to see her pain. One after the other, they used her. They queued up. As though she were… in a special barracks. They sinned against love, these men. Society has no laws concerning crimes against love. Justice cries out against it, but the Law is silent on the matter.”
“Are you talking about the mother now, or about the daughter?”
“What? What? Both, I guess. Yes… both.”
“You said you made love to… Françoise by accident?”
“Not by intent, anyway. I used to see her walking by the shopwindow—that was back when David was only my employee, before we became partners—and she was always so pert and energetic, always a smile for everybody. You remember, don’t you? You went with her yourself, I believe.”
“Yes, I did. But—”
“Please. I’m not accusing. You were not like the others. There is a gentleness in you. Pain and gentleness. I’m not accusing. I’m only saying that you had a chance to know how full of life she was, how kind.”
“Yes.”
“So, well. One summer evening I was standing in front of the shop, taking the air. There was not so much work as there is now. We had not been ‘discovered’ by the interior decorators. I was standing there, and she came by. Alone for once. Somehow, I could tell she was feeling blue… had the cafard. I said, Good evening. She stopped. We talked about this and that… about nothing. It was one of those long, soft evenings that make you feel good, but a little melancholy, like sometimes wine does. Somehow I got the courage to ask her to take supper with me at a restaurant. I said it in a joking way, to make it easy for her to say no. But she accepted, just like that. So we had supper together. We talked, and we drank a bottle of wine. She told me about being a child on the Main. About men taking her to bed when she was only fifteen. She joked about it, of course, but she wasn’t joking. And after supper, I walked her home. A warm evening, couples strolling. And all this time, I wasn’t thinking about going to bed with her. I couldn’t think of that. After all, she reminded me of my sister.
“When we got to her place, she invited me up. I didn’t want to go home early on such an evening, to sit here alone and look out this window, so I accepted. And when we got into her apartment, she kissed her little girl good night, and she went into her bedroom and started undressing. Just like that. She undressed with the door open, and all the time she continued to chat with me about this and that. She had been sad that night, she had needed to talk; and now she was offering me what she had in return for giving her dinner and listening to her stories. How could I reject her?
“No! No!” Moishe’s hands grip the arms of his chair. “This is no time for lying to myself. Maybe not wanting to reject her had something to do with it, but not much. She was undressed and I was looking at her body… her red hair. And I wanted her. She had told me stories about sleeping with men to get enough money for food, and now she was willing to sleep with me for giving her a dinner. I wanted to prove to her that I was not like those other men! I wanted to leave her alone! As a gesture of love. But she was nude, and it had been a gentle evening with wine, and… I wanted her…