“We never thought of this as gay because we both would talk about girls all the time and concentrate on them. I would lie back with my eyes closed while Eddie had my joint in his hand, rubbing it, and he would talk about some girl and tell me to imagine I was sucking her tits or giving it to her, and I would just let my mind go with it, and it was good.”
Eddie’s father was subsequently transferred to the West Coast and Cary never saw his friend again. “I wonder about him now and then. What sort of scene he’s into. And what would have happened if he hadn’t of moved away. Like would the two of us have stopped jerking off together or what. Sometimes I wonder if we would have gotten into it in a heavier way. The thing is, we never thought of ourselves as doing anything that was a homosexual thing, that was queer. We knew there was such a thing as fairies and that they dressed up like women and lisped, you know, all the typical things that are all a kid that age knows about the whole gay scene. And we knew that fairies were men who would kiss each other and suck each other off, or they would suck other men off.
“The guys I used to hang out with, the guys in my neighborhood, this was a way of telling someone to go to hell. Like instead of saying Go to hell or Fuck off or Go screw yourself, you would say Eat it or Eat me or Blow me or Suck my cock or something like that. As a form of expressing contempt.
“Eddie and I, I don’t think no matter how long we hung around together, that we would have gone down on each other. That it would have occurred to us. Or that either of us would have tried to cornhole the other, which I’m sure I never even heard of at that time. But blowing, that was something queers did, and we never thought what we were doing was queer. We thought of what we were doing as jerking off, that it was the same as doing it yourself but more enjoyable. That we were sharing the experience of jerking off. Not that we loved each other or had something sexual between us or thought of each other as girls or anything.”
Did he, considering the question retrospectively, feel that his relationship with Eddie was homosexual?
“Well, to be technical, anything sexual between two males is considered homosexual. If you want to be technical about the whole thing.”
But as far as his own thinking was concerned?
“Well, put it this way. If I had a scene like that now... like if Phillie and I were doing to each other what Eddie and I used to do, yes, I would think that what I was doing was a homosexual act. Not that I was necessarily a homosexual, but that it was a homosexual act. You follow me? Like a person will have a couple of drinks now and then without you calling him an alcoholic.
“But when I think back to what we did, what I think is this is something that happened like seven years ago with a couple of kids, that it was kid stuff, and that’s all I really think about it, and not considering whether it was homosexual or not.”
After Eddie moved away, Cary’s sex life was confined to solitary masturbation. Shortly before his sixteenth birthday he had coitus with a neighborhood girl. “There’s a couple of girls in every neighborhood that put out, and that everybody knows about. This girl was a couple of years older than us but was a year behind us in school because she wasn’t the brightest. A batch of guys would go off with her and she would pull a train. You know, a gang bang. I got in on it once and lost my cherry.
“It was great, but it wasn’t as much as I thought it would be. We were in somebody’s garage and we took turns fucking her on a ping pong table. One guy would go and then another and everybody stood around watching and making comments. You know the kind of comments. There were about eight of us and I was fourth or fifth and with watching and all, the excitement of it, and also being nervous because anybody could of walked in on us. I remember one of the guys couldn’t get a hard-on because of it, the nervousness, and the girl made a remark and some of the guys rode him a little about it, and I was afraid it would happen with me, but as it turned out it was just the reverse. I was so hot and bothered that I just about got it in before I shot my load. One or two strokes and bang! and it was over. It felt wonderful, a girl’s cunt feels like nothing else in the entire world, but it was over so fast. Still, I got this feeling of satisfaction out of losing my cherry.
“I was worried that I had the clap, because the first time I pissed after that it was a little painful, and I thought I must have a dose because I had heard it was a symptom, pain in urination. But I didn’t get a dose and it was just painful that first time, maybe out of worrying about it and expecting it.
“I never fucked that particular girl again. Like I was glad it happened but I didn’t want to see her again. She was really a pig, you know, and also she didn’t seem to get anything at all out of it. She wasn’t even excited. She would fuck for anybody, ten guys one after the other, but she never even wiggled her ass, never even changed the expression on her face. What did she get out of it? I often wondered about that, about why she bothered to go through with it when it didn’t do a thing for her. Like what was she trying to prove?
“I had always thought that a girl who would do that was, you know, a nymphomaniac. A girl who would get terribly excited so she couldn’t live without it, or else that she got hot but couldn’t come, that it took a fucking army to satisfy her. I never thought a girl like that would turn out to be one who didn’t feel anything at all.
“As far as other girls, none of our crowd went out on dates too much. Nobody had a hell of a lot of money to spend. You might take a girl to the movies and do a little necking, or maybe go to her house when her parents were out for the evening, or keep her company if she was baby-sitting or something. I had this one girl who used to baby-sit and I would go over and keep her company. We would make out, but in all the months that I saw her off and on, I never fucked her once. This was common. All through high school, I don’t think hardly any of the guys I knew were getting fucked regular. Except for a couple that were going steady and it was fairly set that they were going to get married eventually. The girls I knew, I never found one I wanted to spend that much time with. For sex, and to have a good time, but not that I would want to see every night and not to spend the rest of your life with.
“This particular girl, with the baby-sitting, we would make out for a while and I would finally walk out of there with my nuts ready to explode. I hated to jerk off afterwards because I felt, I don’t know, that I ought to be coming with her instead of by myself. That it was really settling for next to nothing to come alone in my bedroom. But if I didn’t jerk off it was painful. When you get all that hot and bothered and don’t shoot, your balls hurt. This is on top of being generally frustrated because it’s a definite physical thing and there’s nothing you can do about it.
“This more or less led to what happened one night, because I left her with my balls in an uproar and I was waiting for a bus. The people she was sitting for were a bus ride away, and generally I would wait and ride home with her, but for some reason I left early. I’m not sure if this is what it was this particular time, but occasionally we would have an argument, because she wouldn’t let me fuck her which was generally the cause of our arguments.