“I was also attractive to girls. This is crazy, sitting here and talking about how fucking beautiful and irresistible I am. Like if I were to read this in a book I would say to myself, Now who in the hell does this schmuck think he is that he’s so gorgeous. But I was attractive to girls. I still am. Let’s put it where it’s at. I’m a person that other people consider attractive. Physically attractive. I don’t know if many people like me so much as a person but sexually I tend to turn people on.
“With girls, though, I was always very shy. Well, for that matter I was always shy with everybody. I was sort of a loner in school. I was by myself most of the time, I never had any close friends. With girls I was shy to the point that I hardly ever had a date. They might think I was good looking but I never did anything about it.
“The first sex I had was with a woman. An older woman. As a matter of fact she had a kid two years behind me in school. I knew him to say hello to. So she was old enough to be my mother, this woman, although my own mother was much older than she was. This was when I was fifteen and she must of been I would say between thirty-five and forty, and maybe she was younger because she had a kid thirteen which she could have been eighteen or nineteen when she had him, so she could have been in her early thirties, whereas my mother at the time was almost fifty.
“What happened was that she liked my looks and made a regular play for me. I don’t know whether it was just me or if she had a regular thing for young boys. Were you saying you wrote a book on the subject?”
I said that I had written The Mrs. Robinson Syndrome which dealt with relationships between older women and boys or young men.
“You could of used me for that one. She was on my paper route and whenever I went there to collect she would talk and smile and everything, or give me a glass of milk. She always tipped me a quarter or so. On the entire fucking route I had three customers who tipped. Of course what she was doing was coming onto me, but I never thought. I mean, you know, she was somebody’s mother. Guys would have fantasies of getting laid this way and there were other women on the route, younger ones, that I would have these thoughts about, but not her.
“Finally one day she has me in the kitchen and she’s feeding me milk and cookies, and the next thing I know is I turn around and she is absolutely stark naked. Not a thing on. And huge tits.
“Well, she came over and stuck them in my face and started kissing and hugging me and took me to bed. I went to be with her once a week for I guess four months. I had a summer job in the mountains so I didn’t see her, and when I got back to town she was gone. They moved away, I never found out where. And I really wanted to see her when I got back. All these stories about how you constantly get laid working in the mountains. The older guys got a lot, but I got nothing that summer, and then I came back all ready for her and she wasn’t around.
“The whole thing was unreal because I would still see this kid around school and we would nod at each other, and every Tuesday I’m fucking his mother. Although actually we never fucked, I never once got inside of her. She was afraid of getting pregnant, or that’s what she said she was, but I don’t know whether she was telling the truth or not. What we did was eat each other. She would go down on me first always. She said that was so I would be relaxed and I would take my time with her. Then it would be her turn and she really took control, told me exactly what to do. How long to spend on her breasts and then what to do downstairs. And giving directions all the time until she got her gun. Then I would generally come again, because I would get excited doing her, and then I would put my clothes on and go home.
“Meanwhile I was getting passes made at me by homosexuals, as I said, but I guess I didn’t take them too seriously. I just thought of it as something annoying that I wasn’t interested in.
“Her leaving the neighborhood made a difference. I think I probably would have gotten into the gay thing sooner or later anyway, but I think it made a difference that I didn’t have that once a week to look forward to.
“The first time I ever went with a guy, I was at a movie theater and I went to the john. I think this guy followed me into the john. Well, I took one look at him and I knew what was coming. You can’t always tell but there are some guys who are obvious about it. He looked gay to begin with and there was the way he was looking at me.
“I was washing my hands and he came over and started a conversation. Something about the movie, I don’t know what. Now what I would usually do was just ignore the guy or give him a look or something. Some guys are more persistent than others and you have to tell them to beat it or you’ll call a cop, but most of them, once they know you’re not interested, they cool it. For one thing they don’t want to get into trouble. See, the thing is, when a guy is of a certain appearance, it’s not only that they’re attracted but also that they figure he’s gay.
“In this case for some reason or other I said something, agreed that it was a nice picture, I don’t know what. Then he said something about the actress, that she really looked sexy and he bet it would be fun to fuck her. This was for my benefit. This guy, I don’t think he would have fucked her unless he could have used somebody else’s cock. Oh, that’s not fair, he could have been acey-deucey. You never know.
“Then what else did he say? Something about how I must get a lot of girls, the way I looked. I don’t know what I said. I was getting a funny feeling. I wasn’t getting a hard-on or anything like that. A sort of jittery feeling. You know how you get when you drink too many cups of coffee? It was that kind of feeling.
“He went into this rap about how a young guy couldn’t always find a girl who was willing to do it, and how with girls you had to worry about catching a disease or getting her pregnant. ‘But a good-looking young man like you can always find somebody to take care of it for him,’ he said.
“I said, ‘Look, I know what you’re leading up to and I don’t think I’m interested.’
“‘You mean you can get a girl anytime you’re in the mood?’ he said.
“I said no, not always, which was putting it mildly because I was getting a lot of nothing at the time.
“‘I could make you come,’ he said.
“I told him if I wanted to come I could jerk off.
“‘But it’s not the same thing,’ he said.
“I don’t remember what I said. Then he asked me how I could know what I was talking about if I never tried it. And it came out in conversation that I had tried it to the extent that I had been getting a blow job off this woman. He said most men liked that better than actually fucking. He asked me which I liked better. Now I didn’t want to tell him that I never actually fucked a girl so I said I preferred fucking, but I did admit that a blow job was good and that it was better than jacking off. So he told me he wanted to blow me, and that he would do it better than a woman could, and what was the difference whether it was a man or a woman that did it, since either way all it was was a mouth, so what the hell difference did it make?
“The thing is, I knew why he was saying all this. He was saying it because he was trying to talk me into letting him go down on me. But even so there was a lot of sense in what he was saying. It made sense to me. I could remember the way I felt when she blew me, the woman, and that was always what I used to picture in my mind when I jacked off. Not necessarily that it was her, that particular woman, but that a girl was going down on me. Maybe a girl in school that I particularly liked, but what I would remember was the sensation of having her do it to me.