It was a long, difficult night, and when the first light of dawn barely glimmered through the tent opening, he could stand it no longer. He couldn't say goodbye, to her or anyone, he just had to leave? Quietly, he gathered up his travel clothing, packs, and sleeping roll, and slipped outside.
"You decided not to wait. I thought as much," Mamut said.
Jondalar spun around. "I… ah… I have to go. I can't stay any longer. It's time I… ah," he stammered.
"I know, Jondalar. I wish you good Journey. You have a long way to go. You must decide for yourself what is best, but remember this, a choice cannot be made if there is none to make." The old man ducked into the tent.
Jondalar frowned, and he walked toward the horse lean-to. What did Mamut mean? Why did Those Who Served the Mother always speak words that could not be understood?
When he saw Racer, Jondalar had a fleeting impulse to ride away on him, at least take away that much, but Racer was Ayla's horse. He patted both of them, gave the brown stallion a hug around the neck, and then noticed Wolf, and gave him an affectionate rub. Then he quickly got up and started walking down the path.
When Ayla woke up the sun was streaming in. It looked like a perfect day. Then she remembered this was the day of the Matrimonial celebration. The day didn't seem so perfect any more. She sat up and looked around. Something was wrong. It had always been her habit to glance over in Jondalar's direction when she first woke up. He wasn't there. Jondalar is up early this morning, she thought. She couldn't get over the feeling that something was very wrong.
She got up, dressed, and went outside to wash and find a twig for her teeth. Nezzie was beside the fire, looking at her, strangely. The feeling that something wasn't right grew distinctly stronger. She glanced toward the horse lean-to. Whinney and Racer seemed fine, and there was Wolf. She went back in the tent and looked around again. Many people were up and gone for the day. Then she noticed that Jondalar's place was empty. He wasn't just gone for the day. His sleeping roll and traveling packs, everything was missing. Jondalar was gone!
Ayla ran out in a panic. "Nezzie! Jondalar is gone! He's not just at Wolf Camp someplace, he's gone. And he left me behind!"
"I know, Ayla. I've been expecting it, haven't you?"
"But he didn't even say goodbye! I thought he was going to stay until the Matrimonial."
"That's the last thing he ever wanted to do, Ayla. He never wanted to see you join with someone else."
"But… but… Nezzie, he didn't want me. What else could I do?"
"What do you want to do?"
"I want to go with him! But he's gone. How could he leave me? He was going to take me with him. That's what we planned. What happened to everything we had planned, Nezzie?" she said, in a sudden burst of tears. Nezzie held out her arms, and comforted the sobbing young woman.
"Plans change, Ayla. Lives change. What about Ranec?"
"I'm not the right one for him. He should join with Tricie. She's the one who loves him," Ayla said.
"Don't you love him? He loves you."
"I wanted to love him, Nezzie. I tried to love him, but I love Jondalar. Now Jondalar is gone." Ayla sobbed anew. "He doesn't love me."
"Are you so sure?" Nezzie asked.
"He left me, and he didn't even say goodbye. Nezzie, why did he leave without me? What did I do wrong?" Ayla pleaded.
"Do you think you did something wrong?"
Ayla stopped and frowned. "He wanted to talk to me yesterday, and I wouldn't talk to him."
"Why wouldn't you talk to him?"
"Because… because he didn't want me. All last winter, when I loved him so much, and wanted to be with him, he didn't want me. He wouldn't even talk to me."
"So when he did want to talk to you, you wouldn't talk to him. It happens that way sometimes," Nezzie said.
"But I do want to talk to him, Nezzie. I want to be with him. Even if he doesn't love me, I want to be with him. But now he's gone. He just got up and walked away. He can't be gone! He can't be gone… far…"
Nezzie looked at her and almost smiled.
"How far could he be, Nezzie? Walking? I can walk fast, maybe I can catch up with him. Maybe I should go after him and see what he wanted to talk to me about. Oh, Nezzie, I should be with him. I love him."
"Then, go after him, child. If you want him, if you love him, go after him. Tell him how you feel. At least give him the chance to tell you what he wanted to say."
"You're right!" Ayla wiped away tears with the back of her hand and tried to think. "That's what I should do. I'm going to do it. Right now!" she said, and started running down the path, even before Nezzie could say another word. She raced across the stepping-stones of the river, and into the field. Then she stopped. She didn't know which way to go, she'd have to track him, and it would take forever to catch up with him this way.
Suddenly, Nezzie heard two piercing whistles. She smiled as the wolf zipped past her, and Whinney perked her ears and followed him. Racer trailed after. She watched down the slope as the wolf loped toward the young woman.
When he got closer, Ayla signaled, and spoke. "Find Jondalar, Wolf. Find Jondalar!"
The wolf started sniffing the ground and the air currents, and when he started off, Ayla noticed the slight traces of trampled grass and broken twigs. She leaped on Whinney's back, and followed.
It was only after she started riding that the questions came to her. What am I going to say to him? How can I tell him that he promised to take me with him? What if he won't listen? What if he doesn't want me?
Rain had washed the coating of volcanic ash from trees and leaves, but Jondalar strode through the meadows and woodlands of the floodplain oblivious to the beauty of a rare summer day. He didn't quite know where he was going, he just followed the river, but with each step that took him farther away, his thoughts weighed heavier.
Why am I leaving without her? Why am I traveling alone? Maybe I should go back, ask her to come with me? But she doesn't want to come with you. She's a Mamutoi. These are her people. She chose Ranec, not you, Jondalar, he said to himself. Yes, she chose Ranec, but did you give her any choice? Then he stopped. What was it Mamut said? Something about choice? "A choice cannot be made if there is none to make." What did he mean?
Jondalar shook his head in exasperation, and then, he realized, he knew. I never gave her a choice. Ayla didn't choose Ranec, at least not at first. Maybe the night of the adoption she had a choice… or did she? She was raised by the Clan. No one ever told her she had a choice. And then I pushed her away. Why didn't I give her a choice before I left? Because she wouldn't talk to you.
No, because you were afraid she wouldn't choose you. Stop lying to yourself. After all that time, she finally decided not to talk to you, and you were afraid she wouldn't choose you, that's why, Jondalar. So you didn't give her the chance. Are you any better off now?
Why don't you go back and give her a choice? At least make the offer? But what will you say to her? She's getting ready for the big ceremony. What will you offer? What can you offer?
You could offer to stay. You could even offer to co-mate with Ranec. Could you stand that? Could you share her with Ranec? If the only other choice is not having her at all, could you stay here and share her?
Jondalar stood still, closed his eyes, and frowned. Only if he had no other choice. What he wanted most was to take her home, and make it her home. The Mamutoi had accepted her, were the Zelandonii less accepting? Some of them, maybe not all of them, but he couldn't promise.
Ranec has the Lion Camp, and many other affiliations. You can't even offer her your people, your affiliations. You don't know if they will accept her, or you. You don't have anything to offer, except yourself.