“My library was completely destroyed,” the Vice President told him.
“That’s a shame.” ’
“Yes. I lost both books.”
“That is a shame,” the President repeated.
“One of them I hadn’t even finished coloring yet."
“Well, don’t feel too badly, Mr. Vice President. Perhaps they can be replaced.”
“Why bother?” The Vice President showed he was taking it like a man. “After all, if you’ve seen one book. . . .”
“I like that, Mr. Vice President. It shows the right spirit. You’ve reaffirmed my faith in you. . . . Well, keep in touch.”
“Good-bye, Mr. President.”
“Good-bye.” The President hung up the phone.
Almost immediately, it rang again.
“Hello.”
“Oswald here, Mr. President.”
“Yes? Yes?”
“I’m afraid there’s nothing concrete to report, Mr. President. The situation at Harnell is very confused.”
“Christ, Oswald! What do you mean ‘nothing concrete?’ Don’t you realize I’m sitting on a powder keg with a short fuse?”
“I understand the discomfort of your ailment, Mr. President, but don’t you think you may be giving in to the psychosomatic aspect of-—”
“Damn it, Oswald! I don’t mean…”
“My brother-in-law Hubert, the druggist, was telling me about this new suppository that's supposed to work wonders—”
“Shove it! Tell your brother-in-law Hubert to shove it too! I’m not talking about that! I’m talking about the political situation!”
“Mr. President, I’m well aware that the UN is-—”
“Not the UN! It’s much more serious than that, Oswald.” The President’s voice dropped to a confidential whisper. “I have it on the best authority that Strom has given the word to the special Senate Sub-Committee on Un-American Indian Affairs to investigate the Harnell situation!”
“The Alcatraz Committee, Mr. President?” Oswald sounded both surprised and puzzled. “I don’t understand. How do they figure in this? I thought they were holding hearings on the possibility of Russian missile bases being supplied to the Indians who seized Alcatraz? I thought their bag was the tie-in between the Red menace and the menace of the Redman. What’s all that got to do with Harnell?”
“I don’t know, Oswald. I really don’t know. But I do know that it’s a part of the whole flank attack on the power of the executive by the legislative branch of the government. Wouldn’t surprise me if the Alcatraz Committee itself has been infiltrated by liberals sneaking up on the Tonkin Bay Resolution. You know what that means, Oswald! That means a grab to get back some of my presidential power! That is why I have to know what the picture is at Harnell. And I have to know fast.”
“I wish there was something I could tell you, Mr. President.”
“What about Pigbaigh? What about that other agent you planted? Have you contacted them?”
“I’ve been in communication with both of them, Mr. President, but-—-”
“But what, Oswald? What did Pigbaigh say?”
“He didn’t say anything, Mr. President. He-—umm--—he sang to me.”
“He what?”
“He sang to me, Mr. President.”
“What did he sing?”
“ ‘Down by the Riverside,’ Mr. President. You know—- Gonna lay down my sword and shield . . ." Oswald sang. “. . . Ain’t gonna study war no more!” he concluded.
“Catchy tune. . . . Is that some kind of code, Oswald?"
“If it is, the opposition has broken it, Mr. President.”
“What about the other agent, the infiltrator?
“All he said was ‘Peace and love, everywhere.’ He just kept repeating it, Mr. President.”
“I don’t get it. Has he defected or something?”
“I really don’t know, Mr. President.”
“Well what about the commander of the paratroopers? Couldn’t he give you a picture of the situation?”
“I haven’t been able to reach him, Mr. President. He left orders that he wasn’t to be disturbed.”
“Why the hell not? What the hell is he so busy doing?”
“I raised that question, Mr. President. He—uhh—he’s stringing love beads.”
There was a long silence while the President absorbed this information. “Oswald,” he concluded finally, there is something peculiar going on at Harnell.”
“Yes, Mr. President.”
“There should be confrontation and violence. Where is the confrontation and violence, Oswald?”
“There doesn’t seem to be any, Mr. President. The reports I get point to everything being pretty peaceful.”
“Peaceful? Where are the police, Oswald? What about all this ‘police brutality’ I keep hearing about?”
“The police are gathering flowers, Mr. President.”
“And the National Guard?”
“They’re involved on a pop-art project to make a giant mobile out of their gas masks.”
“Well, what about the paratroops? Wait! Don’t tell me! They’re having a love-in with the SDS! Right?”
“Only some of them, Mr. President. The rest are at a faculty tea.”
“Drinking or smoking, Oswald?”
“I don’t know. Shall I try to find out, Mr. President?”
“Never mind. The important thing is, where is Jonathan Relevant? We have to produce him, Oswald! Have you gotten any leads?”
“I’m working on it, Mr. President.”
“Forgive me, Oswald, but that doesn’t exactly fill me with confidence. You find him, Oswald! You hear me! You find Jonathan Relevant before the Alcatraz Committee grabs him and deliver him to me! Get me Jonathan Relevant! . . .”
What gets me, Jonathan Relevant reflected to himself as he surveyed the embracing paratroopers and co-eds strewn over Harnell Mall, is that this is supposed to be a love-in and nobody’s making love. It was true. There was lots of physical contact, but no evidence of passion anywhere to be seen. Jonathan Relevant called it to the attention of Dr. Shpritzsvet.
“So?” Dr. Shpritzsvet shrugged it off. “They all seem happy -”
“Yes. But they don’t seem loving. Neither physically nor emotionally.”
“At least they’re not aggressive. My universal deodorant has schneidered all their hostility.”
“But what else has it affected?” Jonathan Relevant wondered. “What has it done to their other emotions?”
“You are suggesting side effects?”
“I’d say it was a decided possibility. Wouldn’t you?”
“Perhaps. But surely the good, the removal of aggressions, surely that outweighs any side effects.”
“I’m not so sure.” Jonathan Relevant thought a moment. “Not if it’s erased sexual aggression along with other forms of hostility,” he decided at last.
“What are you driving at?”
“Aggression is an integral part of the sex drive. If you take it away, you could be destroying the sex urge altogether. And no sex could mean no human reproduction.”
“But that’s wonderful! I’ve discovered a way to reverse the population explosion!” Dr. Shpritzsvet clapped his hands.
“You may have discovered the road to human extinction!” Jonathan Relevant corrected him. “lf no odors equal no sex urge and that means no reproduction, then instead of people killing each other off, they’ll just die out.”
“But you’re just hypothesizing. You don’t know. that my universal deodorant has that effect.”
“True. But I suspect that it kills off all emotions, not just aggressions.”
“Interesting. But how can it be put to the test?” Dr. Shpritzsvet wondered.
“There’s a way.” Jonathan Relevant left it cryptic. But what he was thinking was that when it came to emotional response-—or lack of same—there was one infallible litmus paper: himself.