“What do you want?” I asked.
23
“To serve out my time. To pay my debt.”
24
“Pay who?”
25
“Every minute I’m in here costs me something, 26
Charles. May I call you Charles?”
27 S
“It’s my name,” I said.
28 R
“My business relations are delicate, Charles. My atten-168
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tion is needed sometimes within moments of certain 1
events. When my phone rings I’m supposed to answer. If 2
I fail to respond there are consequences.”
3
“What kind of consequences?”
4
“That depends on the event.” He shrugged and crossed 5
one leg over the other. “Money might be lost, a political 6
player could be discredited. Someone might die.” He 7
looked up at the ceiling. “Later on I’ll be held responsible.”
8
“By the law?”
9
“By the rules.”
10
“Are the rules different than the law?”
11
He smiled in that knowing way. “The rules don’t need 12
a judge’s interpretation. There’s no defense. When you’re 13
absent you’re dealt out. And then no one recognizes you 14
but your enemies.”
15
“All that’s going to happen, but you still want to stay in 16
here?”
17
“No.” His impossible eyes looked straight into mine.
18
“Then why?”
19
“Have you ever been in love?” was his reply.
20
I stalled, not wanting to. I would have liked to have said 21
Of course. Everybody’s been in love. But it wasn’t true. It 22
wasn’t true and I didn’t want to lie to my new mentor.
23
I’d never been in love. Never even for a moment. I 24
adored, idolized, lusted after, and cared for many women.
25
I dated, kissed, had sex with; I waited for, stood by, and 26
wanted. But I’d never been like those deer that moved to-S 27
gether through the woods, keeping each other company R 28
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1
as a matter of course. I’d never been attached by the sense 2
of smell and warmth and security. I once read in a novel 3
that love and gravity are the same thing, that natural at-4
traction in nature is also the passion of man. I thought 5
then that I was like a weightless astronaut, locked in a 6
protective shell and floating in emptiness.
7
“Me neither,” Anniston Bennet said, addressing my si-8
lence. “I’ve always done what I wanted to do or what I be-9
lieved I needed. But I’ve never been brought to an action 10
because of my heart.”
11
It was almost ludicrous, listening to the reclamations ex-12
pert’ s talk about the heart, but I was moved anyway. The 13
contradiction of emotions rattled around in my head.
14
“What’s that got to do with you sitting down here 15
locked up in a cage?”
16
“That’s why I asked if you had ever been in love, 17
Charles. Because love isn’t a short skirt and shapely legs.
18
It’s not a clap of thunder or a chance meeting with a pros-19
titute in a library in Paris.”
20
“How would you know what it isn’t if you’ve never been 21
there yourself ?” I felt dizzy and precarious on my trunk.
22
“I’ve never felt love, but I’ve studied it,” he said. “In my 23
line of work you pay attention to every human emotion 24
the way doctors examine their patients. The desperation 25
borne from hunger, for instance, is a powerful force that 26
will turn the victim in on himself. It’s the desire to devour 27 S
the source of the pain. The pang of nationalism can make 28 R
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a man as blind and dense as a stone. He will cut off his 1
own arm, kill his children, for a flag and a ten-cent song.”
2
“But what about love?” I really wanted to know.
3
“Love, as the poet says, is like the spring. It grows on 4
you and seduces you slowly and gently, but it holds tight 5
like the roots of a tree. You don’t know until you’re ready 6
to go that you can’t move, that you would have to muti-7
late yourself in order to be free. That’s the feeling. It 8
doesn’t last, at least it doesn’t have to. But it holds on like 9
a steel claw in your chest. Even if the tree dies, the roots 10
cling to you. I’ve seen men and women give up every-11
thing for love that once was.”
12
“And so you love somebody?” I asked. “That’s what 13
brought you here?”
14
“No,” he said. “I don’t have that affliction. I’m here 15
alone and there’s no one waiting or gone.”
16
“So then why are you talking about love then?”
17
“Because that’s the closest thing to what forced me into 18
this cage. Everything else is immediate and measurable, 19
pretty much. Fear, desperation, greed. I’m fifty-six years 20
old, Charles. My first job was as an accountant in Saigon 21
at the age of twenty-one. From there, on a forged Swiss 22
passport, I got a job doing the same work for higher pay 23
in Hanoi. My employers worried after accepting me that 24
I was a spy. In order to test my loyalty, they brought me 25
to a holding cell where there was an American sergeant 26
held captive. They told me to kill him. They said that he S 27
R 28
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1
had been sentenced to death anyway and that this was my 2
first duty. And I shot him. I didn’t hesitate or flinch. I 3
didn’t enjoy it or feel remorse. I just shot him.”
4
“Killed him?”
5
“Scared the shit out of the officer who brought me 6
down there. He expected me to balk. But I took the pis-7
tol and shot the man in the head. I saw the lay of the 8
board immediately. The man had been tortured. He was 9
skinny and bloody and miserable. They would have killed 10
him anyway.”
11
“Was it a black man?” I asked, wondering at the words 12
even as I spoke them.
13
“I don’t know” was his reply.
14
“How can you not know?”
15
“It was a dark cell and he was filthy. His skin wasn’t 16
black, but whether it was tanned or negroid I don’t know.
17
I didn’t spend any time wondering about him. I took the 18
pistol and shot. Then I left. The next seven years I worked 19
back and forth across the borders of Communism and the 20
West. That’s where I made my nest egg. I had two million 21
dollars by the time I came back home. On top of that I 22
had connections with millionaires, intelligence agencies, 23
and political leaders. I even had a code name. They called 24
me Sergeant Bilko because of my bald head and the fact 25
that I could procure almost anything.”
26
“Are they after you?”
27 S
“Who?”
28 R
“The Americans. I mean, you were a traitor.”
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