He had fallen asleep so quickly, he now supposed, because after the first fear and trepidation, the paralysis induced by change and sudden elevation, he had been warmed by friendship and approval. But now the harsher light of morning was upon him. The soothing blackness was gone. The uncertain whiteness waited.
He shut off the shower, emerged dripping onto the bath mat, quickly dried himself, then went into the bedroom to dress. This was a momentous day, and perhaps he would be expected to attire himself specially for it. He considered his dressiest Sunday black suit, then decided that it would be awkward in the morning. He settled for the charcoal one he had purchased ready-made at Garfinckel’s for his first appearance as temporary presiding officer of the Senate, during the Vice-President’s last trip abroad, six months before his death.
As he dressed himself, his mind compulsively revived one more event of last night, one that had taken place a few minutes before he retired. Sitting on his bed, wondering if the Secret Service men in the living room could hear his voice, he had dialed the Spingers upstairs.
The phone had hardly begun to ring, when it was answered. The voice he had recognized as belonging to Rose Spinger.
“Hello, Rose, I hope I didn’t wake you. This is Doug.”
Her response had been pitched high with excitement. “Oh, Doug, we hoped-heavens, I mustn’t be calling you Doug any more, or even Senator or landlord-”
He had smiled to himself tiredly. “Please, Rose, no formality. Nothing has changed between us. I-”
“Thank you, Doug. Oh, my heavens, to think of it! Did you see us outside in front, in that mob, waving to you?”
“I’m not sure. I saw Wanda for a second.”
“Of course, you would have. We’re all so thrilled. We’re sorry for that accident in Europe, but since it was God’s will, we’re happy you will be there to guide us. We need you, Doug, we all need you, and the Reverend says this is the hand of Providence… Oh, heavens, he’s telling me to be quiet and let you speak to Wanda. All right. Except I want to say for the Reverend and myself, from our hearts, that we wish you strength and courage.”
“Thank you, Rose, I need that.”
“The Reverend went to knock on Wanda’s door. She’s still up. She’ll pick up her phone in a second.”
“I’ll wait. Thanks, Rose.”
In the seconds that he waited, his brain had become alive and projected the early pictures of Wanda Gibson. When he had bought this brownstone five years ago, and while it was still in escrow, he had been invited to dinner by the Springers to celebrate his acquisition. He had met the Spingers before, many times, but always about the Hill, or at Crispus Society affairs, or at parties given by African Embassies near Sheridan Circle. This was the first time that he had accepted an invitation to their home. Twice, as a representative, he had been asked to their dinners, and twice he had declined with fabricated excuses. As a member of the House, he had not wanted to be in the position of having to answer to white colleagues who might charge that, as a Negro, he was being used by the head of the most important Negro organization. His timidity had been ridiculous, he had known, especially since other Negro congressmen and white liberals had attended those dinners in a natural way, and had enjoyed Rose Spinger’s cooking. Thereafter he had told himself that if he was ever invited again, he would accept.
The familiar timidity had assailed him but one more time, just before signing the escrow papers on the brownstone house. He had wondered what those on the Hill would think, once it got out, about a senator owning a house in which he permitted the leader of America’s largest minority pressure group to live. Nobody, apparently, had cared. Perhaps, Dilman thought wryly, because nobody, apparently, cared what he did at any time. In the Senate, until his surprising selection in Party caucus to serve as President pro tempore of the body when Vice-President Porter was out of town or ill, few had seemed aware of his existence. He was one of a hundred names on the roll call, rarely absent, but almost always silent and withdrawn. He made no speeches, gave no interviews, introduced no bills, and he went along with the Party and T. C. and everyone. Even though, after filling Espinosa’s unfinished term as Senator, he had been endorsed by the Party to run on his own (with strong Negro and labor support, against a weak opponent, destroyed by a graft exposé four days before the voting), and he had been re-elected to the Senate on his own, he had felt an interloper.
He had accepted the Spingers’ third invitation to dinner not as a senator but as their landlord, and he had gone unafraid, knowing at last that no one, not even such Southern red-neck mouthpieces as Representative Zeke Miller or Senator Bruce Hankins, cared or gave a damn.
There had been six of them at that intimate dinner at the Spingers’ five years ago, the host and hostess, a colored engineer and his colored teacher wife, himself as the personage and guest of honor, and Wanda Gibson. It had been his initial meeting with Wanda Gibson, and for the first time in the many years since Aldora’s death he had realized that affection and desire within him had not atrophied but had only been sublimated.
Even then, five years ago, Wanda had not been a girl, but a mature woman-a lady, he had always thought of her as being, a lady-of thirty-one. She was a graduate of the University of West Virginia, with economics as her major; and she had worked for her favorite professor in Morgantown and Charleston, and followed the professor, known for his liberal books, to Washington, D.C., when he accepted a government advisory job in the latter part of the Lyndon Johnson administration. When T. C. had become President, and Wanda’s professor had gone back to his university, she had stayed on in Washington. For the last two years she had held a well-paid position as executive secretary to the director of Vaduz Exporters, in nearby Bethesda, Maryland.
From the first, Dilman had known that Wanda was a remarkable find. Her intelligence and wit, her good nature and humor, her well-bred manner, had made it seem incredible that she had not ever been married. As he came to know her better, Dilman had come to understand her avoidance of marriage. Her parents, who had lived in West Virginia, where her father had been a short-order cook, dishwasher, janitor in an all-night diner serving coal miners, had sacrificed much of their comfort, and the futures of her younger brother and sister, to educate and launch her. When first one parent, and then the other, had been hospitalized, and afterward confined to costly sanitarium care, Wanda had accepted full responsibility to support and look after them, not only as daughter but as debtor. She had a burden, and she could not discard it in favor of marriage, for which she was so perfectly suited. But two years ago her father had died, and less than a year before her mother, and at last Wanda had been free to live her own life as her own person.
She had expected him to propose marriage last spring, Dilman knew, and he had not, and it had created, for the first time, an undercurrent of unhappiness between them. She had known that he wanted her for his wife. He had known that he needed her. The proposal was up to him, and yet, while he could profess affection and love, articulate his need for her, he could not bring her from upstairs to his flat downstairs as wife. He had thought about it a thousand times since spring, and had known that the failure was entirely his own. Marriage was an affirmative act, and he had been shackled by countless negative fears. He had tried, time and time again, to narrow in on specific fears, small ones, avoiding the major one, until at last he could see what was left and what in himself taunted him with contempt.
Wanda Gibson was a mulatto. That was the center of it. As a mulatto, she was more white in appearance than black. In most communities she could have passed for white. Her hair, while brunette and curling, was soft and long. Her eyes were light brown, her nose delicate and upturned, and her lips and mouth small. Her figure was trim, well hipped but otherwise slender. She considered herself a colored woman, and she lived as a colored woman. But, for Douglass Dilman, how she regarded herself, and how she approached her life, were not assurances enough.