He cursed himself for getting involved in the first place. He should have seen this coming.
Hawk grabbed the rest of his clothes and some other things he would need from his boat. Then he scribbled his Marblehead address on a piece of paper and left it for Josh, who had promised to forward his paycheck the minute it arrived.
46
MATTEI CALLED AND ASKED Zee to meet her for lunch at Kelly’s in Revere.
“I can come in to Boston,” Zee said.
“I’ll meet you halfway,” Mattei said.
THEY SAT IN THE PAVILION and looked out at the ocean.
“Want some?” Mattei asked, offering a bite of her roast-beef sandwich. Zee had ordered fried clams and was waiting for the order to be called.
“I know you love Kelly’s, but what’s the real reason you wanted to meet me here?” Zee asked.
“We had a visit from Adam the other day,” Mattei said.
Zee stared at her. “Adam was at the office?”
“He didn’t come in when I was there, but he evidently gave our new receptionist a scare, saying you’d have to answer for what you’d done to Lilly. I’ve alerted both the Marblehead and the Boston police.”
Zee stared at her.
“I don’t think he’ll bother us again,” Mattei said. “But I think it would be better if you stayed away from the office for a while.”
“And here I was afraid you were about to fire me for being away for so long.” Zee was trying to keep her tone light, but she was having a hard time of it.
“No such luck,” Mattei said. “So how’s Finch doing on the new meds?” she asked.
“Besides trying to drown himself in the harbor, you mean?” Zee replied.
“How’s he doing now that he’s been on them for two full weeks?” Mattei asked.
“Actually, he seems a little bit better,” Zee said.
“And what about you, my friend?”
“I’m fine.”
“Yeah,” Mattei said. “You look fine.”
Zee tried to smile.
“Are you going to tell me what else is bothering you, or do I have to ask you pointed questions? You know I’ll get it out of you eventually. I’m even more pushy as a friend than as a therapist.”
Mattei listened while Zee told her the story of Hawk, the whole story: from the dream to her walk to the Friendship, to the night on the island, to pulling Finch out of Salem Harbor and their breakup.
“Interesting,” Mattei said.
“Textbook,” Zee said.
“In what way?”
“Isn’t it obvious?”
“Enlighten me,” Mattei said.
“The unfulfilled dreams of the mother. I’m acting out my mother’s story,” Zee said.
“Her story, maybe. I don’t know if it was her unfulfilled dream.”
“Of course it was,” Zee said.
“It’s a pretty dark story,” Mattei said. “Not the part you’ve been acting out, but the rest of it.” Mattei thought about it for a minute. “I would have thought that your mother’s unfulfilled dream was rescue. First by a man, and later, when it was clear that it wasn’t going to work out, by you.”
Zee just stared at her.
“Any chance you just really like this guy?”
Zee sat silent.
“It’s okay if you do,” she said. “I never thought you were right for Michael.”
“You were the one who fixed me up with Michael,” Zee said.
“That was before I knew you very well.”
Zee was frustrated. “Were you ever going to tell me that?”
“Of course not. And remember, you and Michael were speeding down the track to marital bliss. I wasn’t going to derail that based on a vague hunch. But now that you’ve split up, I’d urge you to consider the opposite.”
“What are you saying?” Zee asked.
“I’m asking you to consider what you want for a change. You have a pattern of doing what is expected of you, what other people want you to do. It’s not an unusual pattern for women, but it’s more extreme in your case, first with your parents, then Michael, and even with me, with this job. You go along and go along, but then you begin to act out. Stealing boats, sabotaging your wedding plans, not telling me everything about Lilly Braedon. All little acts of rebellion that lead to big consequences you blame yourself for. But I would argue that the acting-out part might just be a natural aspect of you that needs expression. You were a pretty willful kid, from the stories you told me. You did what you wanted until events in the family changed the situation. Then you stopped choosing things for yourself and just did what you thought other people wanted you to do. Until now. This time you mutually initiated the relationship. That might not mean it’s the right relationship for you, but it does indicate a change.”
“Doesn’t it occur to you that maybe I didn’t choose, that I was just acting out my mother’s story?” Zee said, frustrated.
“I don’t think so,” Mattei said.
“It matches.”
“It seems to match by coincidence. You didn’t ask Hawk to climb up the side of the building, or to let you into a house you’d locked yourself out of.”
“I knew he could climb.”
“You didn’t go to the Friendship that first time looking for him. You went to Mickey looking for a carpenter. Again coincidence.”
“On some level I must be playing out the story. The one my mother wrote and that the psychic told her belonged to me,” Zee said.
“Is that how you feel?” Mattei asked.
“It’s what I sometimes think.”
“I’m not talking about thinking, I’m talking about feeling,” Mattei said.
“I don’t know what I feel,” Zee said.
“Sure you do.”
“I feel that there’s something wrong with this whole scenario, but I don’t know what it is,” Zee said.
“Stick with that.”
“My Aunt Ann told me to watch out for Hawk, that he’s not who I think he is,” Zee said.
“Ann the witch?” Mattei made a face. “Psychics, witches…”
“Good point.”
Zee went back to her original statement. “I feel that there’s something wrong here, but I don’t know what it is.”
“It’s uncomfortable for you,” Mattei said.
“Yes.”
“Why do you think it’s uncomfortable?” Mattei asked.
“Because I can’t figure out who he is,” Zee said.
“What do you mean by who he is?”
“I can’t figure out what he wants. I mean, besides the obvious,” Zee said.
“And can you usually figure out what people want?”
“Probably not,” Zee said. “I’m not sure anymore.”
Mattei nodded. She paused for a moment before continuing. “I think what’s uncomfortable for you is not this guy. Let’s set him aside for a minute. I think what’s getting to you is not that you can’t figure out Hawk’s motivation, but that you can’t figure out your own. You just broke off an engagement. You’re faced with caring for an ailing father. You started something up with someone new. In every scenario you have to think about what you want, and it makes you very uncomfortable. Because you don’t know what you want. How could you? For a long time you’ve been doing what other people wanted. So when you actually wanted Hawk, it was a first. It doesn’t really matter how authentic the relationship is, or where it goes. What matters is that you went after something that you wanted, and then you couldn’t handle it.”