“I went to stop her, but when I arrived others were already there. Thieves or vandals, it doesn’t matter; they were dead.”
“Dead? How?”
“Tasmanian devils guard the Neptune for me. Actually it’s not for me at all, they consider it their home and I’m just a tolerated guest.”
“The devils killed-?”
“The intruders, yes.”
“You didn’t instruct them, or train them to do so?”
“No.”
“Then there is no sin. These men were trespassers and thieves. Get rid of these dangerous beasts and put it behind you.”
“The fire-addict was also there, she’d indulged herself before I’d had a chance to intervene.”
“I haven’t heard the fire bell. Were you able to put it out?”
“Yes.” The Mariner chose not to share how he’d quelled the flames, slitting open the men’s bellies and emptying their fluids onto the fire.
“Excellent. I can understand your exhaustion, but you should be pleased. Crisis avoided!”
In the dark gloom of the church, the haunted expression had returned to the Mariner’s battered features. “I saw things. Things that weren’t there.”
“Visions?”
“Yes. Visions. Ghosts. I think they were things that happened on the ship before it was mine.”
“How can you be sure?”
“I’m not, it’s just a feeling. A feeling that that the Neptune was sharing moments of her past with me.”
“What were these visions?”
“Terrible things. Torture. Rape. Murder. Why would I be shown these sights?”
McConnell, sitting behind the Mariner, both surrounded by darkness, felt uneasy. Had this man really seen these things? Or had years at sea hammered a madness into his skull? “Perhaps God showed you to warn you from straying too far down damnation’s road?”
“If he did, then his message failed.”
“What makes you say that?”
“Because I enjoyed it.”
McConnell’s heart froze in his chest. This man was mad. Surely only the insane would admit to something like that?
“And I saw something else too.”
“What?” whispered McConnell, not wanted to hear at all.
“I saw myself taking part. Something I did, something terrible.”
I don’t want to know, thought McConnell. Just leave. Get out, get out now! Sweet Jesus save me from this nutter!
“I saw myself kill a woman. I punched her to death as we fucked.” The Mariner turned in his seat to look at the reverend. As his face came into view, McConnell was sure the confessor would be grinning a psychotic bloody smile, but instead his visage bore a simple picture of misery. Sadness and guilt, nothing more. “I enjoyed it. Why would I enjoy a thing like that?”
“Are you sorry?” McConnell asked, feeling a sudden pity for the man despite his confession. “Do you repent?”
“Yes. But I want to know why I am this way.”
“Some whys cannot be answered. Not until Jesus returns and sews the world back together. But if you ask for forgiveness, God will give it. This vision you had: that’s your guilt. Ask Jesus for forgiveness, and then forgive yourself. Only through forgiveness can we be cured our ills, not through pills or time on a therapist’s couch.”
“God would forgive something like that?”
“Anything can be forgiven if truly repented. But it goes both ways. You must forgive anyone who’s wronged you too.”
Now it was the Mariner’s turn to appear afraid. He trembled in his seat. “My mother tried to kill me when I was a boy. I remember her holding a pillow against my face. I couldn’t breathe.” His eyes grew haunted as he recalled the dream. “I couldn’t breathe.”
“Forgive her. You must forgive her.” McConnell placed a hand upon the Mariner’s shoulder, feeling him jump under the touch. “It’s all in the past, there’s no use hanging on. Forgive her, and then forgive yourself.”
Later, once the reverend had said his piece, McConnell watched the Mariner leave and head out into the night. He prayed for the man’s soul until first light, crossing his chest over and over in hope his voice would be heard. And also, in moments of weakness, he made a prayer that this morning would be the last for that strange man with haunted eyes.
God told Jesus to build a boat.
“I have a rowing boat, Father. Will it not do?”
“You do not need a small craft, but a mighty vessel! One capable of housing all those worthy of saving from this sinking world.”
So, at God’s request, Jesus set about building a ship, a mighty wooden ark capable of holding a great host. He laboured for many days and nights, back-breaking work that shredded his already ruined hands, yet he would accept no assistance. This was a task set for him, and him alone.
Upon finishing the boat, Jesus turned skyward. “Who should I invite aboard, my Lord? Who is worthy of salvation?”
“This world is full of sin, my Son. And it must be paid for. I am sorry, but you must sacrifice yourself as a way of paying for these sins, and thus rid mankind of their awful stain.”
“I must die?” asked Jesus, feeling fear in his heart.
“You must suffer. Suffer terribly. And once you have suffered enough, you will be shown the light of truth and know those who are worthy and those who are not.”
So Jesus set sail and began his torment.
He is still out there, somewhere between life and death, paying the price for our own vanity, greed and wrath. One day, when his task is complete, he shall return, and only then will he bring our forgiveness.
19. MAKING PROGRESS
“WOULD YOU LIKE TO TALK about what happened last night?” asked Tetrazzini as he and the Mariner settled down for another therapeutic chat.
After returning from McConnell’s church, the Mariner had slept through the morning and well into the afternoon, awaking feeling sick and desperate for alcohol. Tetrazzini had brought him a large glass of wine and another of his sour pills. The Mariner had enjoyed both.
Now they sat together, just as they had done the day before. Tetrazzini tried to start on a positive note, emphasising the progress made the previous day, but the Mariner had a grudge to settle.
“You allowed her to try to burn the Neptune into the sea!”
“I didn’t allow her to do anything,” rebutted the doctor. “This isn’t a prison. We don’t lock anyone up, everyone attends of their own volition.”
The Mariner felt anger growing inside. “Did she burn down the bar? The night you found me?”
“Yes. I told you that a patient of mine started the fire. I have not lied.”
“I didn’t realise you sanctioned it!”
“Stop saying that! I did no such thing.” Tetrazzini himself had grown vexed and flustered by the exchange. “But I’ll have you know that Donna is on the path to recovery. A few more fires and she’ll have lost the compulsion completely. She won’t need to do it. She’ll be the master, not the other way around. Is that worth the burning of a couple of buildings? I think so. They’re just bricks and beams after all.”
“And my ship?”
“An unfortunate hiccup.”
The Mariner twisted in his seat, though the action hurt his joints terribly.
“Still,” Tetrazzini tried to repair the fractured relationship, “once again I owe you my thanks. You put it out and brought Donna back unharmed. That… was quite something. Plus, she still got the thrill from setting the fire and was able to take her medication, so opportunity wasn’t lost.” The Mariner gave a sour grimace at the silver-lining. “Let’s put it behind us, we made excellent progress yesterday, we shouldn’t waste that.”