It was only then, when Jago was defeated, beginning to feel the first empty pang, knowing that the shame and suffering would grow, that he succeeded in touching Chrystal.
‘You never give anyone credit for decent intentions,’ snapped Chrystal. ‘If you had done, you might have more support.’
‘I regard it as useless,’ Brown intervened, ‘for either of you to say more.’
The two confronted each other. For an instant it felt as though they would clash with accusations of all they found alien in each other. They were on the point of denouncing what they hated because they could not share.
But those words were not spoken. Perhaps Brown had just managed to stop them. They confronted each other: Chrystal’s face was fierce and sullen, Jago’s ravaged by the encroaching pain: it was Chrystal who turned away.
‘I’m going into hall,’ he said
‘I rather think they’re expecting me at home,’ said Brown.
‘I shall see you in chapel then. Tomorrow morning,’ said Chrystal.
Brown inclined his head. Chrystal gave a short goodnight, and went out.
Jago threw himself, as though both restless and exhausted, on to the sofa.
‘So this is the end,’ he said.
‘I’m afraid it is, Paul,’ said Brown steadily. ‘Unless something very unexpected turns up to help us — and I couldn’t let you hope anything from that.’
‘I’ve got no hope left,’ said Jago.
‘I’m afraid we must resign ourselves,’ said Brown. ‘I don’t need to tell you what your friends are feeling.’
‘It’s bitter,’ I said.
‘Thank you both,’ said Jago, but his tone was far away. Suddenly he cried, as from a new depth of pain: ‘How can I inflict this on my wife? How can I face seeing her being so much hurt?’
Neither Brown nor I replied. Jago twisted on the sofa, drew up his knees and turned again. The bell began to ring for hall.
‘I can’t dine with them,’ said Jago. ‘It would be intolerable to let them see me.’
‘I know,’ said Brown.
‘I do not see,’ said Jago quietly, ‘how I am going to stay here. I shall be reminded of this for the rest of my life.’
‘It sounds trite,’ said Brown, ‘but these wounds heal in time.’
‘I’ve got no money,’ said Jago. ‘I am too old to move. Every time they see me, I shall be ashamed.’
He added: ‘I shall have to watch another man in the place I should have filled. I shall have to call him Master.’
It was not a conversation. For minutes together he lay silent: then came a broken outburst. It was painful to hear the spurs of defeat wound him in one place, then another. Will the other side know tonight? Are they celebrating in hall at this very moment? When will the news go round the university? Has it got outside the college yet? Who would be the first of his enemies to laugh? Why had he allowed himself to be a candidate?
His grief became so wild that he rounded on Brown.
‘Why did you expose me to this danger? No one has ever done me so much harm before.’
‘I misjudged the situation,’ said Brown. ‘I regard myself as very much to blame for lack of judgement.’
‘You oughtn’t to take risks with your friends’ happiness.’
‘I shall always be sorry, Paul,’ said Brown with affectionate remorse, showing no sign that he resented being blamed.
After an interval of quiet Jago suddenly sat up and faced us.
‘I want to ask you something. Is it quite certain that this man will get a majority tomorrow?’
‘I’m afraid it is. So far as it’s given to us to be certain.’
‘Is it?’ cried Jago. ‘Why should I vote for him? Why should I make up his majority? I was coerced into it by Chrystal. Why should I do it now?’
‘I think you’re bound by your promise,’ said Brown. ‘I never liked it, but I think you’re bound.’
‘That is for me to say,’ said Jago.
‘Yes, it is for you to say,’ said Brown in the same even tone. ‘But there is another reason why I hope you won’t break your promise. If you do, people will say that Crawford would never have done so in similar circumstances. And that this was the best proof that they had been right all the time.’
‘Do you think now that they have been right all the time?’
‘I am as sure they are wrong as I’ve ever been.’
‘Even though I’ve shown you that I’m prepared to break my promise?’
‘I know,’ said Brown, ‘that you feel temptations that I’m lucky enough to escape. But I also know that you don’t give way to them.’
‘You’re a good friend, Arthur,’ said Jago. It was his first familiar touch that night.
He stared at us with his eyes distraught, and said: ‘So I’m asked to sign my own rejection tomorrow morning. That’s something else I have to thank Chrystal for — I know he’s been your friend, Arthur. But he’s more detestable than any of the others.’
‘It’s natural for you to say so,’ said Brown. ‘But it isn’t true.’
‘Are you going to trust him again?’
Brown gave a sad, ironic, firm-hearted smile: I thought it meant that he would trust Chrystal as much or as little as he had trusted him before. For Brown loved his friends, and knew they were only men. Since they were only men, they could be treacherous — and then next time loyal beyond belief. One took them as they were. That gave Brown his unfailing strength, and also a tinge, deep under the comfortable flesh, of ironic sadness.
‘How are you going to live in this college?’ said Jago.
‘Paul,’ said Arthur Brown, ‘I’ve failed in the thing I’ve most wanted to bring off here. You’re right to blame me, but perhaps you will remember that it isn’t going to be pleasant even for me yet awhile. I don’t welcome having this difference with Chrystal. And I abominate the thought of Crawford as Master more than anyone in the college. After you, I believe I’m more affected than any of our friends.’
‘I’m sure that’s true,’ I said.
‘Still,’ said Brown, ‘I’m not prepared to become a hermit because we’ve lost. We’ve shown some bad management and we’ve had some bad luck, and I don’t forgive myself for what it’s going to mean to you. But it has happened, and we’ve got to make the best of it. We’re not children, and we must go on living decently in this place.’
‘For myself,’ he added, ‘I propose to try and make the college as friendly as possible. We ought to be able to heal some of these rifts. I admit that it will take time. It will be a few years before we stop being more divided than I should like.’
Jago looked at the most devoted of his supporters. Each of them took calamity according to his nature. To Jago, those last words were meaningless, were nothing but a noise that sounded outside his distress. He felt inescapably alone.
Brown saw Jago look more than ever harrowed, and yet could not begin to console him again. He had done all he could. He said to me: ‘I always insisted that it wasn’t a foregone conclusion. I expect you remember me giving you occasional warnings. I’m afraid they’ve turned out more than justified.’
He was moved for Jago to the bottom of his heart; he was defeated on his own account; and yet, I was all but sure, there came a spark of comfort as he thought how far-sighted he had been.
The telephone rang. It was Brown’s wife, asking why he was half an hour late for dinner. Brown said that he did not like to leave us, but I offered to take Jago into my rooms and find him food.
44: Deeper Than Shame
Jago sat down by my fire. The flames, flaring and falling, illumined his face, left it in shadow, at times smoothed out the lines of pain. He gazed into the fire, taking no notice of me. I smoked a cigarette, and then another. At last I went quietly, as though he were asleep, to see what I could give him to eat.