Max answered him in an Irish brogue, another little tribute to Angela, saying, “Ary, no, I’m over here to see me cousins.”
Boy, he thought that was pitch perfect. The tiny germ of an idea was taking shape in his head.
While he was waiting for Sean to return he flicked through the book and found this: There is nothing you can’t discuss in Canada when it comes to sex. Do not talk about love, however. That makes Canadians uncomfortable.
Then, from behind him he heard, “T-t-t-tis me.”
Here was Sean, ketchup on his upper lip.
Max muttered, “Fuck on a bike.”
Across the mall from them were two Mounties and, seeing them, Sean said, “Th-th-th-th-they… a-a-a-a-a-always… g-g-g-g-get… their m-m-m-m-man.”
Max, trying out some more Irish, hissed, “Don’t you be drawing bad luck down on us, laddie.”
Then he thought, Wait, was that more like Scottish?
They got back in the car, more of fucking Canada. Was this country, like, endless? They were in the middle of nowhere and Max saw a sign saying Grand Prairie, 479 Kilometers. Gee, now that was something to look forward to, a grand prairie. Jesus Christ, a guy could get fucking bored in this place. Where were all the goddamn people?
Meanwhile, Sean – Jesus, Mary and Joseph, the guy was getting on Max’s fucking nerves. The constant stuttering, not understanding a goddamn word he was saying. They checked into a motel and Sean in the bathroom started going, “T-t-t-t-t… f-f-f-f-f-f-fah… l-l-l-l-lo-lo-lah…” Max screamed, “The fuck’re you saying? Lolita? What the fuck about Lolita?” and Sean continued, “L-l-l-l… g-g-g-g-g-g-ga…” Max didn’t know if know if the guy had a speech impediment or he was just a fucking moron, but there was a limit to how much more of this shit he could take. He was a patient guy but this was fucking ridiculous.
The next day, they were driving, continuing north and west. They bought burgers and were eating them on the side of the road, and Sean started going, “You want some k-k-k-k-k-k-ketch-ketch-ketch,” and Max suddenly lost it and said, “I’ll give you ketchup, you stuttering fuck,” and shot the asshole in the head, in mid-stammer.
Max shot him again, and that shut him up for good.
He took Sean’s wallet and passport and then pushed him out of the car, onto the side of the road, where there was a bit of scrub to cover the body. Then he wiped up the car as much as he could using the paper napkins from the burgers and took off on his own.
He kept the radio turned off, didn’t want to hear about armed and dangerous or hot pursuit. Man, it was nice to have Sean off the board. In the silence, though, he could hear Sean’s voice, going, Th-th-th-th-they… a-a-a-a-a-always… g-g-g-g-get… their m-m-m-m-man, and he almost wished the fuck was still alive, just so he could shoot him again.
He wouldn’t have thought it possible, but Canada was even more boring when you were driving through it all by yourself. He was missing Angela like hell. He knew it was crazy to miss a bitch who’d fucked up his life twice and probably would have fucked it up again, but he felt like he’d lost a, well, a part of himself. Things just wouldn’t be the same without her around. Even when he was locked up in jail, thinking he’d never see her again, it was nice knowing she was out there somewhere.
In Edmonton, he checked into a hotel under Sean’s name, using the cash from Sean’s wallet to pay. But this couldn’t go on for long. The money would run out and then what?
He was drinking again – what else was there to do in Canada? It was too goddamn calm here, everyone was too goddamn nice. He needed edge, he needed assholes, he needed America. Besides, he was certain that while he was up here freezing his nuts off he was missing out on all his fame back home. That dame’s book was probably exploding right now, it was probably bigger than Da Vinci and Potter, and Scorcese was probably filming the movie, or maybe Spielberg. God, Max loved that. Spielberg knew how to yank the heartstrings and when Max got sent away to Attica the whole audience would be fucking bawling. If he was in New York right now he’d probably be mobbed by adoring fans, signing autographs. Instead he was holed up in a motel in Saskatchewan, or wherever the hell he was, living under the name Sean Mullan.
Then the idea hit him – a way to get back in the game, to get back on top. It was so obvious, he didn’t know why he hadn’t thought of it sooner.
A few days later, he drove to the Washington border, at the Pacific Crossing on Route 15. He did his DD of course, found out from some locals at the pub that the best time to cross the border was early morning, and that of all the border inspectors the young blond guy in the leftmost lane was the most lax. Max waited another couple of weeks for his beard to come in a little thicker, then he dyed it red.
The morning he was going to attempt to cross the border, Max checked himself out in the mirror, compared his appearance to Sean’s passport photo. It wasn’t too bad. Yeah, Max looked a lot older, but if Sean had put on some weight and started losing his hair since having the photo taken, it wasn’t so far off.
All right, so maybe the resemblance wasn’t there at all but, fuckit, Max had to give it a shot.
He drove to the border, stayed in the left lane. Sure enough, a young blond guy took his passport, asked, “Enjoy your time in Canada?”
“Yes, had me a great time,” Max said.
Bingo, the brogue was working in full force. So far, so good.
The guy was looking at the passport, said, “I have an aunt from Ireland.”
“Is that right, is it?” Max asked.
Who gave a fuck, but he had to keep the BS going.
“Yeah, from Limerick. That near where you’re from?”
“No, me from Belfast,” Max said.
Shit, that sounded more Tarzan than Irish. At least the lilt was okay. He had to stay with it.
“Oh, yeah?” the guy said. “It’s rough over there, I imagine. Bombs going off all the time, right?”
Would the asshole let him through already?
“Oh, a few wee bombs,” Max said. “ ’Tis nothing.”
The guy squinted, “You got anything on you? Any weapons?”
Max had unloaded all the hardware. Only had one piece, a SIG, tucked away just in case.
“No, no weapons, me afraid. Me left me weapons back in Belfast.”
The guy looked at Max closely, squinted, said, “Why do I feel like I’ve seen you before?”
“Maybe ’tis an Irish thing,” Max said. “Don’t the Brits say we all look alike?”
He thought this would at least get a laugh.
“No, that’s not it,” the guy said. “You come through here before?”
Max, sweating through his shirt, said, “Sometimes. I have me family in Seattle and I visit them every wee while.”
Fuck, he was losing it. The whole plan was going to shite.
“Irish family in Seattle, huh? How’d they wind up there?”
Max couldn’t think of anything, said, “Gold rush.”
“Gold rush?”
“Yes, ’tis an old wing of me family. ’Tis a rich wing, too.”
“I thought the gold rush was California?”
“Aye, ’tis true, but they weren’t the smartest people, me relatives.”
The guy squinted at Max again, as if studying him, then smiled and said, “Well, welcome to America, Mr. Mullan. It’s a pleasure to have you back.”
Driving away slowly Max could barely contain himself. He was back on his home turf – America, the land of freedom. Yeah, okay, there was a downside, he had to be fucking Irish, maybe for the rest of his life, but hey, he could pull it off. After all, how hard could it be to be Irish? He already liked to drink and kill people, he’d be a goddamn natural.
Humming that anthem Angela used to sing, The Soldier’s Song, he drove at a nice easy pace till he hit the open road. Then, thinking he better start getting used to his new identity, he shouted “Bollix to ye all!” and fucking floored it.