DALRYMPLE (n.)
Dalarymples are the things you pay extra for on pieces of hand-made craftwork - the rough edges, the paint smudges and the holes in the glazing.
DAMNAGLAUR (n.)
A certain facial expression which actors are required to demonstrate their mastery of before they are allowed to play MacBeth.
DARENTH (n.)
Measure = 0.0000176 mg. Defined as that amount of margarine capable of covering one hundred slices of bread to the depth of one molecule. This is the legal maximum allowed in sandwich bars in Greater London.
DEAL (n.)
The gummy substance found between damp toes.
DEEPING ST NICHOLAS (n.)
What street-wise kids do at Christmas. They hide on the rooftops waiting for Santa Claus so that if he arrives and goes down the chimney, they can rip stuff off from his sleigh.
DES MOINES (pl.n.)
The two little lines which come down from your nose.
DETCHANT (n.)
That part of a hymn (usually a few notes at the end of a verse) where the tune goes so high or low that you suddenly have to change octaves to accommodate it.
DETCHANT (n.)
(Of the hands or feet.) Prunelike after an overlong bath.
DIDCOT (n.)
The tiny oddly-shaped bit of card which a ticket inspector cuts out of a ticket with his clipper for no apparent reason. It is a little-known fact that the confetti at Princess Margaret's wedding was made up of thousands of didcots collected by inspectors on the Royal Train. DIDLING (participial vb.)
The process of trying to work out who did it when reading a whodunnit, and trying to keep your options open so that when you find out you can allow yourself to think that you knew perfectly well who it was all along.
DILLYTOP (n.)
The kind of bath plug which for some unaccountable reason is actually designed to sit on top of the hole rather than fit into it.
DIBBLE (vb.)
To try to remove a sticky something from one hand with the other, thus causing it to get stuck to the other hand and eventually to anything else you try to remove it with.
DITHERINGTON (n)
Sudden access to panic experienced by one who realises that he is being drawn inexorably into a clabby (q.v.) conversion, i.e. one he has no hope of enjoying, benefiting from or understanding.
DITTISHAM (n.)
Any music you hear on the radio to which you have to listen very carefully to determine whether it is an advertising jingle or a bona fide record.
DOBWALLS (pl.n.)
The now hard-boiled bits of nastiness which have to be prised off crockery by hand after it has been through a dishwasher.
DOBWALLS (pl.n.)
The now hard-boiled bits of nastiness which have to be prised off crockery by hand after it has been through a dishwasher.
DOCKERY (n.)
Facetious behaviour adopted by an accused man in the mistaken belief that this will endear him to the judge.
DOGDYKE (vb.)
Of dog-owners, to adopt the absurd pretence that the animal shitting in the gutter is nothing to do with them.
DOLEGELLAU (n.)
The clump, or cluster, of bored, quietly enraged, mildly embarrassed men waiting for their wives to come out of a changing room in a dress shop.
DORCHESTER (n.)
A throaty cough by someone else so timed as to obscure the crucial part of the rather amusing remark you've just made.
DORRIDGE (n.)
Technical term for one of the lame excuses written in very small print on the side of packets of food or washing powder to explain why there's hardly anything inside. Examples include 'Contents may have settled in transit' and 'To keep each biscuit fresh they have been individually wrapped in silver paper and cellophane and separated with corrugated lining, a cardboard flap, and heavy industrial tyres'.
DRAFFAN (n.)
An infuriating person who always manages to look much more dashing that anyone else by turning up unshaven and hangover at a formal party.
DREBLEY (n.)
Name for a shop which is supposed to be witty but is in fact wearisome, e.g. 'The Frock Exchange', 'Hair Apparent', etc.
DROITWICH (n.)
A street dance. The two partners approach from opposite directions and try politely to get out of each other's way. They step to the left, step to the right, apologise, step to the left again, apologise again, bump into each other and repeat as often as unnecessary.
DUBUQUE (n.)
A look given by a superior person to someone who has arrived wearing the wrong sort of shoes.
DUDOO (n.)
The most deformed potato in any given collection of potatoes.
DUGGLEBY (n.)
The person in front of you in the supermarket queue who has just unloaded a bulging trolley on to the conveyor belt and is now in the process of trying to work out which pocket they left their cheque book in, and indeed which pair of trousers.
DULEEK (n.)
Sudden realisation, as you lie in bed waiting for the alarm to go off, that it should have gone off an hour ago.
DULUTH (adj.)
The smell of a taxi out of which people have just got.
DUNBAR (n.)
A highly specialised fiscal term used solely by turnstile operatives at Regnet's Part zoo. It refers to the variable amount of increase in the variable gate takings on a Sunday afternoon, caused by persons going to the zoo because they are in love and believe that the feeling of romance will be somehow enhanced by the smell of panther sweat and rank incontinence in the reptile house.
DUNBOYNE (n.)
The moment of realisation that the train you have just patiently watched pulling out of the station was the one you were meant to be on.
DUNCRAGGON (n.)
The name of Charles Bronson's retirement cottage.
DUNGENESS (n.)
The uneasy feeling that the plastic handles of the overloaded supermarket carrier bag you are carrying are getting steadily longer.
DUNTISH (adj.)
Mentally incapacitated by severe hangover.
EAST WITTERING (n.)
The same as west wittering (q.v.) only it's you they've trying to get away from.
EDGBASTON (n.)
The spare seat-cushion carried by a London bus, which is placed against the rear bumper when the driver wishes to indicate that the bus has broken down. No one knows how this charming old custom originated or how long it will continue.
ELY (n.)
The first, tiniest inkling you get that something, somewhere, has gone terribly wrong.
EMSWORTH (n.)
Measure of time and noiselessness defined as the moment between the doors of a lift closing and it beginning to move.
EPPING (participial vb.)
The futile movements of forefingers and eyebrows used when failing to attract the attention of waiters and barmen.
EPSOM (n.)
An entry in a diary (such as a date or a set of initials) or a name and address in your address book, which you haven't the faintest idea what it's doing there.
EPWORTH (n.)