HIGH LIMERIGG (n.)
The topmost tread of a staircase which disappears when you've climbing the stairs in the darkness.
HIGH OFFLEY (n.)
Gossnargh (q.v.) three weeks later.
HOBBS CROSS (n.)
The awkward leaping manoeuvre a girl has to go through in bed in order to make him sleep on the wet patch.
HODDLESDEN (n.)
An 'injured' footballer's limb back into the game which draws applause but doesn't fool anybody.
HODNET (n.)
The wooden safety platform supported by scaffolding round a building under construction from which the builders (at almost no personal risk) can drop pieces of cement on passers-by.
HOFF (vb.)
To deny indignantly something which is palpably true.
HOGGESTON (n.)
The action of overshaking a pair of dice in a cup in the mistaken belief that this will affect the eventual outcome in your favour and not irritate everyone else.
HORTON-CUM-STUDLEY (n.)
The combination of little helpful grunts, nodding movements of the head, considerate smiles, upward frowns and serious pauses that a group of people join in making in trying to elicit the next pronouncement of somebody with a dreadful stutter.
HOVE (adj.)
Descriptive of the expression seen on the face of one person in the presence of another who clearly isn't going to stop talking for a very long time.
HOYLAKE (n.)
The pool of edible gravy which surrounds an inedible and disgusting lump of meat - eaten to give the impression that the person is 'just not very hungry, but mmm this is delicious'. Cf. Peaslake - a similar experience had by vegetarians.
HUBY (n.)
A half-erection large enough to be a publicly embarrassing bulge in the trousers, not large enough to be of any use to anybody.
HUCKNALL (vb.)
To crouch upwards: as in the movement of a seated person's feet and legs made in order to allow a cleaner's hoover to pass beneath them.
HULL (adj.)
Descriptive of the smell of a weekend cottage.
HUMBER (vb.)
To move like the cheeks of a very fat person as their car goes over a cattle grid.
HUMBY (n.)
An erection which won't go down when a gentleman has to go for a pee in the middle of making love to someone.
HUNA (n.)
The result of coming to the wrong decision.
HUNSINGORE (n.)
Medieval ceremonial brass horn with which the successful execution of an araglin (q.v.) is trumpeted from the castle battlements.
HUTLERBURN (n.archaic)
A burn sustained as a result of the behaviour of a clumsy hutler. (The precise duties of hutlers are now lost in the mists of history.)
HUTTOFT (n.)
The fibrous algae which grows in the dark, moist environment of trouser turn-ups.
IBSTOCK (n.)
Anything used to make a noise on a corrugated iron wall or clinker-built fence by dragging it along the surface while walking past it. 'Mr Bennett thoughtfully selected a stout ibstock and left the house.' - Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice, II.
IPING (participial vb.)
The increasingly anxious shifting from leg to leg you go through when you are desperate to go to the lavatory and the person you are talking to keeps on remembering a few final things he want to mention.
IPSWICH (n.)
The sound at the other end of the telephone which tells you that the automatic exchange is working very hard but is intending not actually to connect you this time, merely to let you know how difficult it is.
JARROW (adj.)
An agricultural device which, when towed behind a tractor, enables the farmer to spread his dung evenly across the width of the road.
JAWCRAIG (n. medical)
A massive facial spasm which is brought on by being told a really astounding piece of news. A mysterious attack of jawcraig affected 40,000 sheep in Whales in 1952.
JURBY (n.)
A loose woollen garment reaching to the knees and with three or more armholes, knitted by the wearer's well- meaning but incompetent aunt.
KALAMI (n.)
The ancient Eastern art of being able to fold road-maps properly.
KANTURK (n.)
An extremely intricate knot originally used for belaying the topgallant foresheets of a gaff-rigged China clipper, and now more commonly observed when trying to get an old kite out of the cupboard under the stairs.
KEELE (adj.)
The horrible smell caused by washing ashtrays.
KELLING (participial vb.)
A person searching for something, who has reached the futile stage of re-looking in all the places they have looked once already, is said to be kelling.
KENT (adj.)
Politely determined not to help despite a violent urge to the contrary. Kent expressions are seen on the faces of people who are good at something watching someone else who can't do it at all.
KENTUCKEY (adv.)
Fitting exactly and satisfyingly. The cardboard box that slides neatly into an exact space in a garage, or the last book which exactly fills a bookshelf, is said to fit 'real nice and kentuckey'.
KERRY (n.)
The small twist of skin which separated each sausage on a string.
KETTERING (n.)
The marks left on your bottom or thighs after sunbathing on a wickerwork chair.
KETTLENESS (adj.)
The quality of not being able to pee while being watched.
KIBBLESWORTH (n.)
The footling amount of money by which the price of a given article in a shop is less than a sensible number, in a vain hope that at least one idiot will think it cheap. For instance, the kibblesworth on a pair of shoes priced at Ј19.99 is 1p.
KIMMERIDGE (n.)
The light breeze which blows through your armpit hair when you are stretched out sunbathing.
KINGSTON BAGPUISE (n.)
A forty-year-old sixteen-stone man trying to commit suicide by jogging.
KIRBY (n.)
Small but repulsive piece of food prominently attached to a person's face or clothing. See also CHIPPING ONGAR.
KIRBY MISPERTON (n.)
One who kindly attempts to wipe an apparent kirby (q.v.) off another's face with a napkin, and then discovers it to be a wart or other permanent fixture, is said to have committed a 'kirby misperton'.
KITMURVY (n.)
Man who owns all the latest sporting gadgetry and clothing (gold trolley, tee cosies, ventilated shoes, Gary Player- autographed tracksuit top, American navy cap, mirror sunglasses) but is still only on his second gold lesson.
KNOPTOFT (n.)
The mysterious fluff placed in your pockets by dry-cleaning firms.
KURDISTAN (n.)
Hard stare given by a husband to his wife when he notices a sharp increase in the number of times he answers the phone to be told, 'Sorry, wrong number.'
LAMLASH (n.)
The folder on hotel dressing-tables full of astoundingly dull information.
LARGOWARD (n.)
Motorists' name for the kind of pedestrian who stands beside a main road and waves on the traffic, as if it's their right of way.