NANTWICH (n.)
A late-night snack, invented by the Earl of Nantwich, which consists of the dampest thing in the fridge, pressed between two of the driest things in the fridge. The Earl, who lived in a flat in Clapham, invented the nantwich to avoid having to go shopping.
NAPLES (pl.n.)
The tiny depression in a piece of Ryvita.
NASEBY (n.)
The stout metal instrument used for clipping labels on to exhibits at flower shows.
NAUGATUCK (n.)
A plastic sachet containing shampoo, polyfilla, etc., which is impossible to open except by off the corners.
NAZEING (participial vb.)
The rather unconvincing noises of pretended interest which an adult has to make when brought a small dull object for admiration by a child.
NEEN SOLLARS (pl.n.)
Any ensemble of especially unflattering and particular garments worn by a woman which tell you that she is right at the forefront of fashion.
NEMPNETT THRUBWELL (n.)
The feeling experienced when driving off for the frist time on a brand new motorbike.
NETHER POPPLETON (n. obs.)
A pair of P.J.Proby's trousers.
NOTTAGE (n.)
Nottage is the collective name for things which you find a use for immediately after you've thrown them away. For instance, your greenhouse has been cluttered up for years with a huge piece of cardboard and great fronds of gardening string. You at last decide to clear all this stuff out, and you burn it. Within twenty-four hours you will urgently need to wrap a large parcel, and suddenly remember that luckily in your greenhouse there is some cardb...
NUBBOCK (n.)
The kind of person who has to leave before a party can relax and enjoy itself.
NOTBOURNE (n.)
In a choice between two or more possible puddings, the one nobody plumps for.
NYBSTER (n.)
Sort of person who takes the lift to travel one floor.
OCKLE (n.)
An electrical switch which appears to be off in both positions.
OSBASTON (n.)
A point made for the seventh time to somebody who insists that they know exactly what you mean but clearly hasn't got the faintest idea.
OSHKOSH (n., vb.)
The noise made by someone who has just been grossly flattered and is trying to make light of it.
OSSETT (n.)
A frilly spare-toilet-roll-cosy.
OSWALDTWISTLE (n. Old Norse)
Small brass wind instrument used for summoning Vikings to lunch when they're off on their longships, playing.
OBWESTRY (abs.n.)
Bloody-minded determination on part of a storyteller to continue a story which both the teller and the listeners know has become desperately tedious.
OUGHTERBY (n.)
Someone you don't want to invite to a party but whom you know you have to as a matter of duty.
OUNDLE (vb.)
To walk along leaning sideways, with one arm hanging limp and dragging one leg behind the other. Most commonly used by actors in amateur production of Richard III, or by people carrying a heavy suitcase in one hand.
OZARK (n.)
One who offers to help just after all the work has been done.
PABBY (n.,vb.)
(Fencing term.) The play, or manoeuvre, where one swordsman leaps on to the table and pulls the battleaxe off the wall.
PANT-Y-WACCO (adj.)
The final state of mind of retired colonel before they come to take him away.
POPCASTLE (n.)
Something drawn or modelled by a small child which you are supposed to know wait it is.
PAPPLE (vb.)
To do what babies do to soup with their spoons.
PAPWORTH EVERARD (n.)
Technical term for the third take of an orgasm scene during the making of a pornographic film.
PEEBLES (pl.n.)
Small, carefully rolled pellets of skegness (q.v.)
PELUTHO (n.)
A South American ball game. The balls are whacked against a brick wall with a stout wooden bat until the prisoner confesses.
PEN-TRE-TAFARN-Y-FEDW (n.)
Welsh word which literally translates as 'leaking-biro-by-the-glass-hole-of-the-clerk-of-the-bank-has-been-taken-to-another-place-leaving-only-the-special-inkwell-and-three-inches-of-tin-chain'.
PEORIA (n.)
The fear of peeling too few potatoes.
PERCYHORNER (n.)
(English public-school slang). A prefect whose duty it is to surprise new boys at the urinal humiliate them in a manner of his choosing.
PERRANZABULOE (n.)
One of those spray things used to wet ironing with.
PEVENSEY (n. archaic)
The right to collect shingle from the king's foreshore.
PIDDLETRENTHIDE (n.)
A trouser stain caused by a wimbledon (q.v.). Not to be confused with a botley (q.v.)
PIMLICO (n.)
Small odd-shaped piece of plastic or curious metal component found in the bottom of kitchen rummage-drawer when spring-cleaning or looking for Sellotape.
PIMPERNE (n.)
One of those rubber nodules found on the underneath side of a lavatory seat.
PITLOCHRY (n.)
The background gurgling noise heard in Wimby Bars caused by people trying to get the last bubbles out of their milkshakes by slurping loudly through their straws.
PITSLIGO (n.)
Part of traditional mating rite. During the first hot day of spring, all the men in the tube start giving up their seats to ladies and staphanging. The purpose of pitsligo is for them to demonstrate their manhood by displaying the wet patches under their arms.
PLEELEY (adj.)
Descriptive of a drunk person's attempt to be endearing.
PLYMOUTH (vb.)
To relate an amusing story to someone without remembering that it was they who told it to you in the first place.
PLYMPTON (n.)
The (pointless) knob on top of a war memorial.
PODE HOLE (n.)
A hole drilled in chipboard lavatory walls by homosexuals for any one of a number of purposes.
POGES (pl.n.)
The lumps of dry powder that remain after cooking a packet soup.
POLBATHIC (adj.)
Gifted with ability to manipulate taps using only the feet.
POLLOCH (n.)
One of those tiny ribbed-plastic and aluminium foil tubs of milk served on trains enabling you to carry one safely back to you compartment where your legs in comfort trying to get the bloody things open.