JARROW (adj.)
An agricultural device which, when towed behind a tractor, enables the farmer to spread his dung evenly across the width of the road.
JAWCRAIG (n. medical)
A massive facial spasm which is brought on by being told a really astounding piece of news. A mysterious attack of jawcraig affected 40,000 sheep in Whales in 1952.
JURBY (n.)
A loose woollen garment reaching to the knees and with three or more armholes, knitted by the wearer's well- meaning but incompetent aunt.
KALAMI (n.)
The ancient Eastern art of being able to fold road-maps properly.
KANTURK (n.)
An extremely intricate knot originally used for belaying the topgallant foresheets of a gaff-rigged China clipper, and now more commonly observed when trying to get an old kite out of the cupboard under the stairs.
KEELE (adj.)
The horrible smell caused by washing ashtrays.
KELLING (participial vb.)
A person searching for something, who has reached the futile stage of re-looking in all the places they have looked once already, is said to be kelling.
KENT (adj.)
Politely determined not to help despite a violent urge to the contrary. Kent expressions are seen on the faces of people who are good at something watching someone else who can't do it at all.
KENTUCKEY (adv.)
Fitting exactly and satisfyingly. The cardboard box that slides neatly into an exact space in a garage, or the last book which exactly fills a bookshelf, is said to fit 'real nice and kentuckey'.
KERRY (n.)
The small twist of skin which separated each sausage on a string.
KETTERING (n.)
The marks left on your bottom or thighs after sunbathing on a wickerwork chair.
KETTLENESS (adj.)
The quality of not being able to pee while being watched.
KIBBLESWORTH (n.)
The footling amount of money by which the price of a given article in a shop is less than a sensible number, in a vain hope that at least one idiot will think it cheap. For instance, the kibblesworth on a pair of shoes priced at Ј19.99 is 1p.
KIMMERIDGE (n.)
The light breeze which blows through your armpit hair when you are stretched out sunbathing.
KINGSTON BAGPUISE (n.)
A forty-year-old sixteen-stone man trying to commit suicide by jogging.
KIRBY (n.)
Small but repulsive piece of food prominently attached to a person's face or clothing. See also CHIPPING ONGAR.
KIRBY MISPERTON (n.)
One who kindly attempts to wipe an apparent kirby (q.v.) off another's face with a napkin, and then discovers it to be a wart or other permanent fixture, is said to have committed a 'kirby misperton'.
KITMURVY (n.)
Man who owns all the latest sporting gadgetry and clothing (gold trolley, tee cosies, ventilated shoes, Gary Player- autographed tracksuit top, American navy cap, mirror sunglasses) but is still only on his second gold lesson.
KNOPTOFT (n.)
The mysterious fluff placed in your pockets by dry-cleaning firms.
KURDISTAN (n.)
Hard stare given by a husband to his wife when he notices a sharp increase in the number of times he answers the phone to be told, 'Sorry, wrong number.'
LAMLASH (n.)
The folder on hotel dressing-tables full of astoundingly dull information.
LARGOWARD (n.)
Motorists' name for the kind of pedestrian who stands beside a main road and waves on the traffic, as if it's their right of way.
LE TOUQUET (n.)
A mere nothing, an unconsidered trifle, a negligible amount. Un touquet is often defined as the difference between the cost of a bottle of gin bought in an off-licence and one bought in a duty-free shop.
LIFF (n.)
A book, the contents of which are totally belied by its cover. For instance, any book the dust jacket of which bears the words. 'This book will change your life'.
LIMERIGG (vb.)
To jar one's leg as the result of the disappearance of a stair which isn't there in the darkness.
LINDISFARNE (adj.)
Descriptive of the pleasant smell of an empty biscuit tin.
LISTOWEL (n.)
The small mat on the bar designed to be more absorbent than the bar, but not as absorbent as your elbows.
LITTLE URSWICK (n.)
The member of any class who most inclines a teacher towards the view that capital punishment should be introduced in schools.
LLANELLI (adj.)
Descriptive of the waggling movement of a person's hands when shaking water from them or warming up for a piece of workshop theatre.
LOCHRANZA (n.)
The long unaccomplished wail in the middle of a Scottish folk song where the pipes nip around the corner for a couple of drinks.
LONGNIDDRY (n.)
A droplet which persists in running out of your nose.
LOSSIEMOUTH (n.)
One of those middle-aged ladies with just a hint of a luxuriant handlebar moustache.
LOUTH (n.)
The sort of man who wears loud check jackets, has a personalised tankard behind the bar and always gets served before you do.
LOW ARDWELL (n.)
Seductive remark made hopefully in the back of a taxi.
LOW EGGBOROUGH (n.)
A quiet little unregarded man in glasses who is building a new kind of atomic bomb in his garden shed.
LOWER PEOVER (n.)
Common solution to the problems of a humby (q.v.)
LOWESTOFT (n.)
(a) The balls of wool which collect on nice new sweaters. (b) The correct name for 'navel fluff'.
LOWTHER (vb.)
(Of a large group of people who have been to the cinema together.) To stand aimlessly about on the pavement and argue about whatever to go and eat either a Chinese meal nearby or an Indian meal at a restaurant which somebody says is very good but isn't certain where it is, or have a drink and think about it, or just go home, or have a Chinese meal nearby - until by the time agreement is reached everything is shut.
LUBCROY (n.)
The telltale little lump in the top of your swimming trunks which tells you you are going to have to spend half an hour with a safety pin trying to pull the drawstring out again.
LUDLOW (n.)
A wad of newspaper, folded tablenapkin or lump of cardboard put under a wobbly table or chair to make it stand-up straight. It is perhaps not widely known that air-ace Sir Douglas Bader used to get about on an enormous pair of ludlows before he had his artificial legs fitted.