Necessity is the mother of invention, and in the merkins’ case, that mother was a hooker with something to hide. Sexually-transmitted diseases ravaged folks in the Middle Ages, especially ladies of the night, and antibiotics to treat the maladies weren’t available. Prostitutes still had to make a buck, despite being riddled with disease, so the merkin was crafted to covertly cover a syphilis-induced bald spot in the pubic area.
Crabs, otherwise known as lice infesting the pubic area, ran rampant in the medieval bushes. As a result of these nuisances, ladies resorted for a full frontal shave in order to evict the pesky pests. A smooth, naked crotch sent up red flags (to match the red crabs!) to the johns that something may be amiss on this medieval miss. The merkin was created so women could keep their afflictions and infections under wraps: a faux fur wrap, if you will. With the faux hair piece in place, medieval hookers could get back to business as usual. They didn’t seem the least bit worried about spreading disease and/or parasites to their clients so long as they could continue to turn tricks for a coin.
Merkins were fashioned out of either human hair or animal fur and affixed to the crotch with honey, tree sap, plant resin, or whatever other sticky substance happened to be available.
Medieval men also caught on to the craze and sported manly merkins as well, (what’s good for the goose…), and often for the same reasons. The pubes of men were ripe with vermin, just as the women’s were, and a close shave was often the best solution for either gender. Ironically, using a merkin in medieval times wasn’t the embarrassment we would think it to be today. In fact, merkin use was commonplace, widespread, accepted, and even openly discussed. Merkin references appear in literature of the day, including A Complete History of the Lives and Robberies of the Most Notorious Highwaymen, written in 1714 by Alexander Smith. It is from this work that we find the quote we used to open this chapter.
Today, we view the merkin as a kinky, furry sex toy for playful couples, but the reality is that the pubic wig is a medieval innovation that had nothing to do with stimulating enhanced sexual pleasure for consenting couples. The reality is that the medieval merkin was used as a mask of deception in order to camouflage a diseased vagina so a working girl could continue turning tricks to support herself.
Pantiless in the Middle Ages: Victoria had no Secret
“But I am ashamed to think what a course I did take by lying to see whether my wife did wear drawers today as she used to, and other things to raise my suspicion of her.”
Ladies’ unmentionables were hardly men’s business, therefore the male recorders of history — authors, historians, and the like — didn’t leave us many clues or evident to tell us what medieval maidens wore under their skirts and next to their vaginas. In all probability, females in the Middle Ages were much like Brooke Shields in the controversial 1980s Calvin Klein ad… nothing came between them and their clothing! The forerunner of today’s panties, thongs, and boy briefs, and all the other styles we see at our local Victoria’s Secret were a more modern invention. But there were a few more issues involved. The very nature of pants means that something foreign will be rubbing against the woman’s private parts. This may, it was thought in medieval days, be too stimulating for her and lead her to wanton lust. Also, it was also considered decidedly inappropriate, unnaturally manly, and uppity for women to wear pants, even as undergarments. In the patriarchal Middle Ages, men wore the pants in the family!
Bloomers, pantaloons, and drawers, longer, loose-fitting underwear, became fashionable in England beginning in the 1830s, closer to the time of Queen Victoria’s reign so perhaps she kept her pantaloons secretly hidden, inspiring modern women to shop openly for theirs at major mall retailers. What is certain is that her sisters in royalty that proceeded her — Elizabeth I, Mary Queen of Scots, Elizabeth of York, and Eleanor of Aquitaine, to name a few — most likely sat on the throne with one less layer of fabric between that majestic perch and their regal vaginas. Commando queens!
It seems, however, that the bottoms of women throughout continental Europe were not completely bare during the entire time period. Pietro Bertelli’s 1594 work, Costumes of Different Nations, depicted Italian ladies wearing silken drawers. Fynes Moryson, an early cultural anthropologist (although that title didn’t exist then), travelled extensively throughout Europe to observe the customs and cultures of different lands. In his 1617 An Itinerary, he mentioned women in Italy, France and the Netherlands donning pre-panty-like drawers.
In lieu of panties, medieval maidens in England wore smocks. These long, shapeless under-dresses functioned primarily as a way to protect the costly fabric of the dress from icky body stains like sweat. As a side-effect, they acted like today’s underwear albeit without the lifting, separating and hiding of panty lines.
The smock, renamed chemise (French for “shirt”) after the 11th century Norman Conquest when the shores of England were overran with French invaders, had long, full sleeves and went down to the ankle. It was lightweight enough that it could be hiked up in its entirety when the lady had to take a tinkle. And to be clear, men wore these smocks, too, along with braies, a cross between long, baggy basketball shorts and a long, baggy loin cloth.
Of course, with all things in antiquity, we cannot be certain that panties were non-existent. Just because men didn’t write about ladies’ panties doesn’t mean that they weren’t in use. It could be that they were so unimportant (because it pertained to females who were inconsequential) that no one wrote about them. And the delicate fabric of ancient clothing deteriorated easily, leaving us with little tangible evidence. Of course, people in the Middle Ages did not think to save their underwear for posterity.
But then…
Renovations in an Austrian castle in 2008 unearthed a cache of discarded clothing from the 15th century, among them undergarments. There were two surprisingly modern looking bras, complete with cups and shoulder straps, and drawers, or braies, they are smaller than a man’s and cut for a womanly figure. It is believed these were made for a female in part because, at this time, men had started to wear joined hose, designed much like trousers, negating the need for braies. Perhaps the drawers were made for a woman to keep her menstrual cloths in place. Of course, we can’t help but think these would be awfully convenient during certain times of the month.
Penis-Eating Vaginas: The Myth of Vagina Dentata
“If only I had teeth down there.”
Stories and myths of the vagina dentata can be found in ancient texts and oral legends as far back as Greek mythology. The vagina with teeth tales all include a warning that sexual intercourse could result in severe injury to that most important, most central, male organ, the penis. It could even end in castration! These stories surface again in the Middle Ages when authors, inspired by the writings of the ancients and fearful of the seductive power of women, sought to advance the misogynistic attitude of the time via their craft.