BARONESS [Clapping her hands]
Oh, charmant, charmant! But it ees a romance!
BARON
But you are married!
BARONESS [Downcast]
Ah, oui.Quel dommage, vat a peety!
QUINCY
You forget, Baron, we are in America. The law giveth and the law taketh away.
[He sniggers.]
BARONESS
It ees a vonderful country! But your vife-hein?-vould she consent?
QUINCY
She's mad to get back on the stage-I'll run a theatre for her. It's your daughter's consent that's the real trouble-she won't see me because I lost my temper and told her to stop with her Jew. So I look to you to straighten things out.
BARONESS
Mais parfaitement.
BARON [Frowning at her]
You go too quick, Katusha. What influence have I on Vera? And you she has never even seen! To kick out the Jew-beast is one thing....
QUINCY
Well, anyhow, don't shoot her-shoot the beast rather.
[Sniggeringly.]
BARON
Shooting is too good for the enemies of Christ.
[Crossing himself.] At Kishineff we stick the swine.
QUINCY [Interested]
Ah! I read about that. Did you see the massacre?
BARON
Which one? Give me a cigarette, Katusha.
[She obeys.] We've had several Jew-massacres in Kishineff.
QUINCY
Have you? The papers only boomed one-four or five years ago-about Easter time, I think--
BARON
Ah, yes-when the Jews insulted the procession of the Host!
[Taking a light from the cigarette in his wife's mouth. ]
QUINCY
Did they? I thought--
BARON [Sarcastically]
I daresay. That's the lies they spread in the West. They have the Press in their hands, damn 'em. But you see I was on the spot.
[He drops into a chair.] I had charge of the whole district.
QUINCY [Startled]
You!
BARON
Yes, and I hurried a regiment up to teach the blaspheming brutes manners--
[He puffs out a leisurely cloud.]
QUINCY [Whistling]
Whew!... I-I say, old chap, I mean Baron, you'd better not say that here.
BARON
Why not? I am proud of it.
BARONESS
My husband vas decorated for it-he has ze order of St. Vladimir.
BARON [Proudly]
Second class! Shall we allow these bigots to mock at all we hold sacred? The Jews are the deadliest enemies of our holy autocracy and of the only orthodox Church. Their Bund is behind all the Revolution.
BARONESS
A plague-spot muz be cut out!
QUINCY
Well, I'd keep it dark if I were you. Kishineff is a back number, and we don't take much stock in the new massacres. Still, we're a bit squeamish--
BARON
Squeamish! Don't you lynch and roast your niggers?
QUINCY
Not officially. Whereas your Black Hundreds--
BARON
Black Hundreds! My dear Mr. Davenport, they are the white hosts of Christ
[Crossing himself] and of the Tsar, who is God's vicegerent on earth. Have you not read the works of our sainted Pobiedonostzeff, Procurator of the Most Holy Synod?
QUINCY
Well, of course, I always felt there was another side to it, but still--
BARONESS
Perhaps he has right, Alexis. Our Ambassador vonce told me ze Americans are more sentimental zan civilised.
BARON
Ah, let them wait till they have ten million vermin overrunning their country-we shall see how long they will be sentimental. Think of it! A burrowing swarm creeping and crawling everywhere, ugh! They ruin our peasantry with their loans and their drink shops, ruin our army with their revolutionary propaganda, ruin our professional classes by snatching all the prizes and professorships, ruin our commercial classes by monopolising our sugar industries, our oil-fields, our timber-trade.... Why, if we gave them equal rights, our Holy Russia would be entirely run by them.
BARONESS
Mon dieu! C'est vrai. Ve real Russians vould become slaves.
QUINCY
Then what are you going to do with them?
BARON
One-third will be baptized, one-third massacred, the other third emigrated here.
[He strikes a match to relight his cigarette.]
QUINCY [Shudderingly]
Thank you, my dear Baron,-you've already sent me one Jew too many. We're going to stop all alien immigration.
BARON
To stop all alien-? But that is barbarous!
QUINCY
Well, don't let us waste our time on the Jew-problem ... our own little Jew-problem is enough, eh? Get rid of this little fiddler. Then I may have a look in. Adieu, Baron.
BARON
Adieu.
[Holding his hand] But you are not really serious about Vera?
[The BARONESS makes a gesture of annoyance.]
QUINCY
Not serious, Baron? Why, to marry her is the only thing I have ever wanted that I couldn't get. It is torture! Baroness, I rely on your sympathy.
[He kisses her hand with a pretentious foreign air.]
BARONESS [In sentimental approval]
Ah! l'amour! l'amour!
[Exit QUINCY DAVENPORT, taking his cap in passing.] You might have given him a little encouragement, Alexis.
BARON
Silence, Katusha. I only tolerated the man in Europe because he was a link with Vera.
BARONESS
You accepted his yacht and his--
BARON
If I had known his loose views on divorce--
BARONESS
I am sick of your scruples. You are ze only poor official in Bessarabia.
BARON
Be silent! Have I not forbidden--?
BARONESS [Petulantly]
Forbidden! Forbidden! All your life you have served ze Tsar, and you cannot afford a single automobile. A millionaire son-in-law is just vat you owe me.
BARON
What I owe you?
BARONESS
Yes, ven I married you, I vas tinking you had a good position. I did not know you were too honest to use it. You vere not open viz me, Alexis.
BARON
You knew I was a Revendal. The Revendals keep their hands clean....
[With a sudden start he tiptoes noiselessly to the door leading
to the hall and throws it open. Nobody is visible. He closes it
shamefacedly.]
BARONESS [Has shared his nervousness till the door was opened, but now
bursts into mocking laughter] If you thought less about your precious safety, and more about me and Vera--
BARON
Hush! You do not know Vera. You saw I was even afraid to give my name. She might have sent me away as she sent away the Tsar's plate of mutton.
BARONESS