“There!” I bashfully answered, pointing to my grotto. “And what else did he do?” “Nothing.” “Didn't he put something in your hand?” “Yes.” “Well, then, what was it?” I was silent. “Well-I know,” said the judge. “And then did he put that 'thing' in 'there'?” He pointed to the 'spot.' “No, not all in.”
“Oh, just a little ways?” “Yes, about half.” The judge and the doctor both laughed outright. My father looked at me in silence. “Where else did he touch you?” “Here,” pointing to my breasts. “Well,” remarked the judge to the doctor chuckling. “I doubt if there was any temptation for him there.” The doctor came over to me and in a businesslike way felt and examined my titties, saying: “Oh, plenty-plenty of temptation.” “Well, now, tell me,” the judge went on, “didn't you try to resist him?”
“What was that, please?” “I mean, didn't you push his hand away?” “No.” “And why did you touch his 'thing'?”
“Because the teacher wanted me to.” “So, so; but he did not force you to?” Hesitating, I ventured a “no,” but I noticed that this was a dangerous and important question. “And why did you allow him to do all this?” “Because the teacher wanted it.”
“Yes; but why didn't you say: 'Teacher, please, I don't like that'?” “Because I did not dare.” “So it was respect and fear of the teacher?” “Yes,” I sighed, relieved, “it was fear.”
But the judge continued: “Didn't you tempt him? Didn't you say: yes, I want to do it, or look at him like this?” The judge smiled at me with loving eyes. With all my trembling and fright, I had to smile, but answered: “No!” “And now,” the judge continued: “tell me one thing more. But I want the truth. Do you understand? The absolute truth. Did you like what the teacher did to you?” I did not answer; I was afraid. “I mean,” he repeated, “were you willing and did you like to play with his 'thing'?” “Oh, no,” I eagerly replied. “Or-but I want to know the truth”-he went on -“when he put that 'thing' into you, did it give you any pleasure or did it hurt?” “Sometimes it hurt, but not always,” I replied.
“So sometimes it felt good?” he asked in sharp tones. “Yes,” I blurted out, “sometimes. But only on rare occasions.” The judge smiled; my father looked at me astonished and angry. “Well, go on, little one,” the judge continued. “Sometimes it felt good.”
“And you did it willingly, isn't that so?” “No!” I remonstrated, fearing my father. “I did not like it and I never did it willingly.” “Yes, but you just said that it felt good.”
“Well, I couldn't help it, when it went in and out-” He interrupted: “All right, all right. You did not like to do it, but you unwillingly got some pleasure from it. Is that it?” “Yes,” I nodded. “Doctor, please,” the judge turned to the doctor. “Will you kindly affirm this matter?” I did not know what was about to happen. The doctor ordered me to sit on a high stool. He raised my skirt and, spreading my thighs, opened my lips with his fingers. I felt him insert something hard. Withdrawing it, he said: “The proof is absolute. She has had intercourse with him.” Bewildered, I got down from the chair. “Now tell me,” the judge went on, “do you know whether the teacher has done this thing to other girls?”
“Why, there are a number of them in the anteroom,” I said.
He laughed again. “I know that, but I want you to tell me whether you personally heard or saw anything?” “Yes,” I answered. “Melani and the Ferndinger girl told me so themselves.” “And did he do the same to them as he did to you?” “No,” I said in haste. “He never poked Ferndinger.” “Did you hear that word from the teacher?” the judge asked. I was perplexed. “No, not from him.”
“From whom, then?” he wanted to know. “Oh, just in school-from the other girls.” “From the Hoffer girl or Ferndinger girl?” “I don't remember.” “Now you said he did not poke Ferndinger?” “No, he just had her play with him.” “But Miss Hoffer?” “Yes, he poked her.” “Did you see it?” “Yes, I saw it once.” “And the other times?” “She just told me about them.” Turning to my father, he said: “Mr. Mutzenbacher, I am sorry that you have been obliged to hear this pitiful story; that such an erring educator, without conscience, should have ruined your daughter. Be consoled; the child is young. I assure you that no one will ever hear of this, and by keeping a strict moral watch over her, I hope that all evil results will be avoided.” We went home and then I felt convinced that the teacher had “ruined" me. He was sentenced to a long term in prison. The fact that he had “ruined” both Melani and me made the case doubly strong against him. (When I now think back that Melani and I had been “ruined” long before, as undoubtedly had been many of the other girls who had testified against him, I really feel sorry for him.) But this affair seemed to have decided my entire future life, as you will see as I proceed with my story. I might have been a good, true woman, as is Melani, who is married now and mistress of her father's inn. She is surrounded by a brood of her own children. A number of my former schoolmates also have pleasant homes and families. These early indiscretions did them no harm. Undoubtedly, the fear of becoming pregnant had a great bearing on their purity, until they fell in love and married. Although they say that they have been indiscreet at times, as my mother has been, in the eyes of the world they were honorable, good wives; they did not become whores, as I have done. In my next chapter, I will write of the adventures which caused me to become a courtesan.