So where does that leave me?
If I take off on my own, there is no telling what will happen. As least here I can put in a plug for myself if I need it. I like to know what’s going on. Besides, I was getting ideas about straightening out some of Vi’s curves. She sure could pitch ’em. I throw my bags in the back and get in the car.
We drive for about an hour without saying a word, and then pull up to a place that seems to be a small mountain with the top cut off. Part of the Great Wall of China keeps out busybodies, and the fancy sign that hangs on the post by the driveway reads HATHAWAY HEIGHTS. It should have been called Incredible Heights, because if you didn’t see it, you’d never believe it. Moolah is written all over the place, from the crew-cut lawns to the mansion that peeks at me through the magnolia trees.
A small army of servants march out and surround the car. One picks up my bags like they were dirty socks and tiptoes in with them. When Vi gets out they all bow like the Rockettes, but with me I get a lifting of the upper lip and a nod. At the end of the line is the chauffeur who mutters something very nasty as I go past. That does it. I turn on my heel and walk back.
The guy has got one of those faces. For a chauffeur he’s a grade A thug. Busted nose, thick lips and scar tissue over the eyes.
I say, “Punchy, did you just make silly sounds with your fat mouth?”
His hands fold into big hams.
“No, sir,” he answers. Then as I go to walk away he mutters, “You’ll get yours later!”
I’m a good guy, see? I can hold my temper just so long, and if I expect to hold it much longer, I have to get out of there. I look back at him over my shoulder and he must have thought I was scared, so he sneers at me.
Vi grabs my arm as I go up the steps. She is being very sweet all of a sudden.
“Daddy’s waiting to meet you, Alex. You’re going to like daddy, and if you want him to like you real much, you’ll do just as he asks, won’t you, dear?”
She melts my temper with that “dear.” I give her a big, dreamy smile. “Why don’t you do the asking, honey?”
Just like that she drops my arm.
“Louse!” she snaps.
What a shavetail! She gets over it fast. The sweet smile comes back and she steers me into the library. I’ve been in libraries before, and this one is just as big and just as quiet. And it has just as many books. Only the others never had a male librarian who looks and scowls like a bear ready to jump on you as you come in.
Before the bear can move, Vi says, “Daddy, this is the Duke Alexander. I’m sure he’s going to be reasonable.”
The bear stands up. He is even bigger than me, and like I already told you, I’m no midge. He says, “Am I supposed to bow or shake hands?”
I don’t know what I’m expected to do, but if he wasn’t Vi’s old man, I would have plastered him. As it is, I stick out my hand.
“Ain’t I pleased to meetcha,” I say.
The bear shows his teeth, wipes his hand on his pants like I do back in the garage, and mitts me.
Right away I can see this is a game with the old boy. Vi smiles happily as his hand starts to crush mine into pulp and remarks, “Daddy used to be a steelworker, Alex. You wouldn’t know it though, would you?”
I wait until Daddy is sweating a little bit, then step up the pressure some more.
“Really?” I am being real bright. “I never would have known it. I was in the game a while myself.”
Then I look straight at daddy. He is getting red in the face and he plants his feet and gives it a last effort.
“Yes, sir,” I say when I hear his knuckles start to pop. “Ain’t I sure pleased to meetcha.”
Daddy is real glad to let go of my hand. The old bear is a little on the cub side now, but his teeth still show. He drops in a chair behind the giant-sized desk and rubs his sore hand so I can’t see it. Vi has her lip between her teeth.
“Sit down,” he barks.
So I sit.
Daddy gets right down to business. He pulls open a drawer and yanks out an oversize checkbook. “I imagine you know why I wanted to see you, Duke. Ever since I’ve had a bankroll, a royalty-minded wife, and one foolish daughter, I’ve been keeping half the courts in Europe in cheese and crackers. Now how much do you want to go back where you came from?”
Well, it takes me a long time, but I am beginning to catch on. If I have any sense, I will spout off a figure, grab it and head for Holly Corners. But I don’t have much sense. You can have fun on a vacation in more ways than one.
“Nuts, daddy dear,” I grin, “I like it here.”
Vi slams her palm against the arm of her chair. “Okay, Daddy, he wants to play it dumb. He won’t take a cash settlement because he thinks he can marry Pam and get all he wants. Let him go ahead. Let him try. Just let him try!”
“I’ll be damned if I will!” He is a mad bear again. “Do you get out of here or do I throw you out?”
The ugly chauffeur must be listening outside, because he comes in on cat feet. “You callin’ me, sir? Want I should t’row the bum out?”
Mama saves the day for somebody.
I know it is Mama, because she is just what you expect to find in a joint like this. She bursts into the room leading a pack of people that must have been the local society, because there are more diamonds and fancy duds than at Tiffany’s. Her face is a smile, from ear to ear, and she spreads her arms wide open and shrieks, “Why, Duke! You naughty, naughty boy! Surprising us at home like this, just when I was beginning to believe you had missed your connections!”
“Hiya, mama,” I say. Then I squeeze her good. If they want an act, then they are going to get an act. It is about time I get into this game. Over her shoulder, I began to wave at everybody and they wave back. Some duck grabs my hand and pumps it. Two babes crowding fifty try to bow and almost split a dress. They get helped to their feet.
“But your voice, Duke... it has changed,” mama says curiously.
“Sure. I got some jerk from Brooklyn to gimme lessons in American and now I talk just like people. Good, ain’t I? Now I fit in.”
I sure made a funny with that one. Mama clutches her bosom. “Why, how quaint! Duke, you’re marvelous.”
Vi doesn’t think so, though. I see her looking at me, her face as black as a thunderhead. As they say in books, I am getting a look that could kill.
Not to get Vi and Pop in bad with the battle-axe, I dummy up a story as how I got off the wrong car at the train and was very luckily recognized by their charming elder daughter.
Then I spring the sticker. “But how’s about Pam. Where’s she?”
Mama pets my arm. “The poor dear has a horrible cold. But I’m sure she’s dying to see you at once. George! Why didn’t you show the Duke upstairs when he arrived? The poor boy has traveled thousands of miles to see his intended and you keep him away. Shame!”
Everybody snickers but Pop and Vi. They haven’t got a word in edgewise yet.
Mama takes my arm. “Come along... son. I know you can’t wait to see your beloved.”
“You can say that again, Mom.”
Her bosom rises and falls in a wind-tunnel sigh. She says to herself, “‘Mom’... just imagine, having a real duke in the family.”
I feel like adding “...at last” to her thoughts, because the way she says it, she has been trying for a long time.
Two maids are playing watchdog outside the door that keep Pam’s germs to herself. They part to let Mama do the honors, and with a flourish she throws the door open and pipes, “Pam, dear, there’s someone to see you.”
With that she shoves me and I get propelled into milady’s boudoir.
Pam is laying back in bed holding a frilly handkerchief up to her nose, blinking at me through watery eyes. She lets out, “Oh, Alexander, to think you have to find me like this!” Then sets up a wailing that brings the house down.