I say, “Aw, take it easy kid. You only got a cold. How’s every little thing?”
“But, Alex, you’re speaking in English!”
“American,” I correct her.
Behind me I heard the door open a little, so I spread it on thick. “Ain’t I gonna get a little hello kiss, sugar?”
“You are not!”
Vi comes at me with claws out, then remembers herself mighty sudden like. “Alex, we don’t want you catching Pam’s cold... not with the wedding so close.” She looks at her sister. “Don’t you agree, Pam?”
My intended wrinkles up into a sneeze and Vi pulls the covers up around her. She looks at us both very confidentially. “Now I’ll tell you what we’ll do. While you’re recovering from the nasty cold, I’ll have Alexander escort me around town and meet all your friends. Don’t you think that will be best?”
“You... you sure you don’t mind, Vi?”
“Not at all, darling.”
“But... Alex...”
I say, “Don’t worry about me, kid. I wanna get to know the lay of the land around here anyway. And don’t worry about Vi here. You can trust her, all right.”
I pick up Pam’s limp hand from the bed and plant a smacker on her palm. “There’s some healthy germs for you, Honey-bunch.”
“Oh, Alex, you’re so sweet,” she says.
Vi mutters something I didn’t get.
Mama meets us outside the door and Vi tells her the plans. I can see right off that Mama doesn’t like the idea, but I tut-tut her objections and everything is okay again. Boy, this was the berries. With mama, the duke could do no wrong.
We take the tunnel entrance to the library where the old bear is camped in his den ready to pick my bones. When we come in he and the chauffeur, who are yappity-yapping at close range, jump back trying to wipe the smug looks off their pans, and I know that the no-good being bred had just been born.
Yep, maybe this wasn’t gonna be such a bad vacation after all. Sometime during the day I had to get a wire off to my buddies who were expecting me at the fishing camp so they wouldn’t tear up the countryside looking for me. Those guys were always pretty loyal to a mug who could never stay out of trouble.
The chauffeur takes off at a nod from Popsie and leaves the three of us there alone. The bear keeps an ear cocked for Mama’s footsteps and growls, “Well?”
“Alex is going to be my escort for a while, Dad,” Vi tells him. I can see the funny smile playing around with her mouth. “A sister’s duty, you know.”
The bear stares at me. “I’m only going to ask you once more. How much will you take to clear out of here? Name it and it’s yours. I’m willing to go any price to make sure my daughter marries a man instead of a gigolo with a title.”
“How about ten or twenty million.” I wink at him.
His face got red up to his hair. “All right, Vi, escort the gentleman about town. Be sure he sees the sights. All of them,” he adds significantly.
I don’t even get time to change my shorts. Out we go, not to the sports special, but to a shining black limousine. Parked behind the wheel is Punchy, licking his chops. Vi climbs in with me after her and the wheels spin in the gravel. Wherever we’re going, we’re in a hurry.
“Nice country around here,” I observe.
“Take a good look at it while you still can see it,” she pops back.
Right then I think it is time for a heart to heart talk.
“Look, sister. Set me straight on the rules, will ya? I’m having a swell time and all that, but leave us name some places so I can figure ahead of time. I’ve been climbing a tree ever since I left Holly Corners.”
“Quit the act, Alex. I’m disgusted with you, your phony American accent and anything connected with you. This afternoon you had a chance to leave well enough alone, but you wouldn’t have it. All right, take it any way you want, but you’re not going to marry Pam if I can help it. We don’t want your kind near us. Mother’s title-happy and you’re money-mad. Poor Dad is the one who has to pay for it. Pam will forget you in a month or so, but if we have to go through much more of these international affairs, Daddy will wind up in the sanitarium.”
“But you got me all wrong, baby. Ya see, there’s been a switch. My tag is Joe Moran...”
“Yes, I know,” Vi interrupts, “you have a garage in Holly Corners and you’re on vacation.”
“Yeah, that’s it. All along the line people have been calling me Duke. Say, who is this guy anyway?”
Vi turns and passes me over slowly. There is no doubt in her voice when she says, “Alex, although this is the first I’ve ever seen you in the flesh, so to speak, your picture has been staring at us from Pam’s room clipped out of every newspaper society column for this last year. All I’ve heard since mother and Pam came back from Europe is Alex this and Alex that. You are a very clever actor, Alex. I imagine your kind must have to be. But it is no use. That scar on your cheek is not fake, is it? You got that in a duel, I heard. One you lost.”
“As a matter of fact, cherub, I got it when some babe hit me with a flowerpot. I was twelve years old.”
“And your eyes are not the same color, one blue, one brown. How do you account for that?”
“You mean the other guy’s got sad-sack eyes too? Amazing!”
“...The same height, about six-one I should imagine. Yes, you even weigh the same, one-eighty.”
“Two-oh-six,” I put in.
“So you see, Alex, you don’t have to try to assume another identity with me. You have too many definite characteristics. I know you for what you are.”
“Aw, phooey,” I say.
I am getting sick of it all now. I am just about to tell Punchy to take me back when he starts to slow down. We are way the devil out in the country, off on a side road somewhere. The birds and the bugs are trying to out-chirp each other and if I hadn’t been sore I might have enjoyed the scenery. Punchy gets out, opens the back door.
“This way... sir,” he snarls.
“What do you want?”
“I want to show you somethin’. Come on, hop out.”
Vi smirks, “Don’t worry. It will be very interesting — jerk!”
Now she is making me even madder. I climb out and Punchy takes a little path up the field with me behind him. When we round the bend in the trees, he throws his cap on the ground, gives me the old leer and snaps a roundhouse right over on me.
Poor Punchy, his timing is shot to hell. I kinda bend at the knees until it goes over my head, then tap him like the trainer used to tell me to, right where it counts. Punchy does a buck and wing, flaps his arms like a crow then sits down, his eyes like marbles. I put his hat back on him and picked him up.
Vi comes running out to meet me. “Nick!” she yells. “What happened to Nick?”
“He was gonna show me something and he tripped and his head hit a tree. What was he gonna show me up there, anyway?”
“Nothing,” she snaps.
Vi doesn’t know whether to believe me or not. I stow Punchy in the back seat and get behind the wheel.
“You come with me,” I tell her. “By damn, I’m going to have me a vacation and you’re going to like it.”
She slides in alongside me, but she doesn’t like it. It takes me a half-hour to get feeling good again. Hightailing it along the open road in the fancy rig is something and ahead of me is the city. Yes, sir, I sure was enjoying myself.
That is, until I hear the siren come screaming up beside me. Two big state troopers give me the heave-to sign, but since they have me dead to rights anyway, I am going to have a little fun out of it. I tramp on the gas and yell, “Hang on, baby!”