“No, not at all. I’m fine.” Confused as hell, but fine. He let her step back from him.
She held her head to one side. “You are, aren’t you? I mean, I don’t feel as bad today as I thought I would after that accident, I’m just a little sore. But you-I’m kind of amazed.”
He looked away. “I’m sure it looked worse than it was. I-”
“Don’t lie to me,” she interrupted. “Please don’t.” Her smile was a little wistful as she added, “Don’t say anything to me you wouldn’t say to Shade.”
He looked down at the dog, whose tail was wagging. What are you so all-fired happy about, Shade?
“All right,” he said aloud. “But I was going to tell you the truth. I was going to say that I heal quickly.”
“Hmm. And that’s not all there is to it, right?”
A silence stretched, then he said, “Right.” If she started asking him questions now, he would tell her the truth, the whole truth, and then-then he would have to disappear from her life. He would have to leave her, let her go on to whatever life and lovers she was destined to have without him.
He found himself especially unhappy to think about her having lovers. Even Ron. It was something like learning your girlfriend had a crush on your little brother.
His whole life was spent uprooting and reestablishing himself as need be. He knew that come what may, he would survive the loss of her.
He was so very tired of surviving losses.
Tired of surviving, period.
“Are you all right?” she asked. She was looking up at him, brows drawn together in concern. Those lovely brown eyes…
Well, maybe not so tired of surviving after all.
If he told her who he was, what he was, he was fairly sure she’d either disbelieve him or hold him in disgust. He would lose any chance of growing closer to her.
If he didn’t, well-the outcome was the same, wasn’t it?
“I’m okay,” he said. “But I have a question for you.”
She looked at him expectantly.
He screwed up his nerve and said, “You and Ron-are you-well, it’s none of my business really, but-are you-?”
She grinned. “Lovers? No. I suppose a lot of people assume we are, but no. We’re close friends. I don’t think I could love a brother more than I love Ron, but long ago we figured out that we never wanted to date. As I told Alex, it’s always been more like a brother-sister thing.”
“Oh,” he said, and found himself grinning, too. “Well, thank you. Shall we go?”
“All right, but don’t think I’m giving up.”
“Giving up?”
“On getting answers to my questions.”
She turned and walked toward the van.
She stumbled over something along the way, caught her balance, and moved on.
Ron had told him that everyone knew she was a klutz, but maybe people watched the wrong set of movements when they watched Amanda.
It was in that moment after she stumbled, he thought, that you could see her at her best. An elegance in the way she recovered her balance, her style of moving on. It required something more than mere grace.
He smiled to himself and followed her.
19
Two conditions,” Tyler said, just before they entered Benecia Wright’s room at the hospice. “First, if they object, no argument, you wait for me in the hallway.”
“Of course,” Amanda said.
“Second, you respect both the Wrights and me, and keep whatever you see or hear completely confidential.”
“I promise I will.”
Tyler sighed. “I hope this isn’t the second stupidest thing I’ve ever done.”
“What took first prize?”
“I’ll tell you another day, perhaps. Right now, we’re in something of a hurry.” He went inside the room.
Benecia’s husband, Larry, was distracted with grief, and seemed not to notice that Tyler had brought Amanda with him. Still, Tyler asked if he objected to her presence, and was quickly assured that he didn’t mind.
“I’ve been so worried that you wouldn’t make it in time.” Larry drew a shaky breath. “She’s fading.”
Tyler saw this was true. A former bartender and chain-smoker, she had been losing her battle with cancer for several months now.
“I just want to tell her,” Larry said, choking on his tears, “that she’s the only one I love. Ever loved. And-to ask her forgiveness.”
Tyler sat at the other side of the bed and lifted one of Benecia’s dry, frail hands. I like her, he heard Benecia say, from somewhere in her mind.
Who?
Your young woman. She’s the answer to your prayers.
He shifted uneasily. Not my young woman. Now. Benecia-
Well, you should do something about that, you fool. And you’re old enough to know better. Tyler was the only one in the room who heard her raucous laugh.
I was under the impression that you might have something to say to Larry?
He heard her laugh again. All right, here we go.
“Larry, you dumb son of a bitch,” he said aloud.
Far from being offended by this form of address, Larry sat up straight and said, “Benny?”
“Yes, honey. Don’t you know I forgave you all that long ago? I know I’m the only one who’s ever really held your heart, no matter who else got hold of that big-well, there’s a young lady present, so I’ll just say, no matter who got hold of anything else of yours.”
“It’s true, Benny. You’re the only one I’ve loved. But-I just wish we had more time together!”
“You make the most of whatever time you’ve got, Larry. Nobody has forever, not even this couple who are helping us out now. You find another woman, that’s okay by me, Larry. You’re not a man who should be alone. You’ll be a good husband to the next one, I know.”
“I want you, Benny! Nobody else.”
“I’m touched by that, honest to God, I am. You’re the only one I wanted, honey. But it’s nearly time for me to go, and that’s that. Now, listen up. You called Sarah home from college, right?”
“She’ll be here any minute now.”
“I’ll wait for her-that’s about all I’ll be able to do. But you bury me, then send her right back to school-you got that? She’ll want to stay around and take care of you, and don’t you let her. You tell her it was my dying wish that she get that degree, okay? Promise me.”
He promised.
“Well, good. I love you, Lar-Bear.”
“Benny! Don’t leave me!”
“Don’t be silly. I can’t stick around and you know it. But I’ll be waiting for you. Now, you let Tyler and his friend leave us, so we can have a few minutes together before Sarah gets here, okay?”
Tyler said a silent good-bye to Benecia, who told him he would be busy with other matters for a week or two, and would know when and where he would next be needed. She then urged him not to waste time. You may not have as much of it as you think you have, Tyler Hawthorne.
He tried to ask her what she meant by that, but she told him he wasn’t so stupid he couldn’t figure it out, and that while she was much obliged to him for his help, she wanted to spend what little time she had left with the people she loved.
He let go of her hand.
20
Amanda was sitting silently in a corner of the room, not moving. No telling what she was thinking, but his guess was that she was in something like a state of shock. He walked over to her and whispered, “Are you all right?”
She nodded, but looked back and forth between him and the woman in the bed.
He held out his hand in mute invitation, and she took it in hers, seeming relieved by his touch. She allowed him to lead her from the room.