“You don’t sound as if you are going to die,” said Hugo.
“No,” said Selina, almost smiling. “And I can see the nurse agrees. She feels I am not fit for a higher life; and I would choose the lower one. And she thinks I should be afraid to die.”
“And you are afraid of nothing,” said her son.
“I don’t feel I am going to meet my Maker. And if I were, I should not fear him. He has not earned the feeling. I almost think he ought to fear me.”
“I think he must,” murmured Hugo. “She seems so much her usual self.”
“It may be coming back,” said Selina. “The doctor is not sure.”
“He has not said anything to you?”
“How can he, when there is nothing to say? And when he sees I know it.”
“Would you like to see the children?” said Ninian. “I mean it might make a change for you.”
“I know what you might have meant. You should take more care. I know all I want to about them. It might hardly be a suitable moment to know the whole.”
“They need not know — we need not tell them you are ill.”
“They would not mind. It could only mean I might die.”
“You know how they would feel about that.”
“I believe I do. And I can’t explain it,” said Selina, almost petulantly.
“They feel your bark is worse than your bite.”
“That is an empty saying. Only bark has a place in life. There is no opportunity to bite. I have wished there was.”
“They know you would not have used it.”
“I am going to sleep,” said Selina, and closed her eyes.
“We have not been a success,” said Hugo. “Even you did not aim high.”
“It would have been to court failure. I chose to avoid it.”
“We have met it on a meaner scale. And she saw the meanness.”
“Yes, I saw it,” said Selina, dreamily.
As the pair went out of the room, they were noiselessly approached by Ainger.
“How is the mistress today, sir?”
“Very ill, as you know,” said Ninian. “Her heart is weak.”
“I can’t help feeling she is more herself,” said Hugo.
“Well, neither can I, sir. I have the intimation.”
“I think you might have it, if you heard her talk.”
“Yes, sir, that might support it,” said Ainger, who had found it did.
“You will see the hall is kept quiet?” said Ninian.
“Yes, sir. That accounts for my presence. Otherwise there are calls on my time.”
“When the post comes, do not take any letters to the mistress. One of us will take them later.”
“Yes, sir. Miss Lavinia sorts the second post. It can be left to her,” said Ainger, as the two men moved away.
“Well, has anything transpired, Ainger?” said another voice.
“Well, I have my impression, Cook. And Mr. Hugo shared it.”
“And what did you share? Words are at your disposal.”
“Well, I was on guard here to prevent disturbance. And I could not help hearing what passed.”
“I believe you cannot help it, Ainger,” said Cook gravely. “And it is time you conquered yourself. You will be hearing something to cause discomfiture.”
“For myself or somebody else?”
“Well, who was in the uncertain place? And is it a case for insinuation?”
“You are right, Cook. It is not the occasion. And I was not about to go further. But I chanced to hear the mistress, that is, to catch her words.”
“I throw no doubt on it. I fear it is the truth. And they acted as a check on you?”
“Well, perhaps that was hardly the case,” said Ainger, controlling a smile.
“Well, explain yourself. There is no call to be oracular.”
“To tell you the truth, Cook,” said Ainger, lowering his voice and leaning towards her, “if I were on the brink, as the mistress may be, I should not feel such words of a kind to pass my lips.”
“Why, they were not of a dubious nature?”
“Cook, if they were, should I pass them on? Should I betray a lady on the verge, and of an age and standing?”
“I hope not, Ainger. I go no further. And what are you doing?”
“Well, I have done it now,” said Ainger, changing his tone. “And it was not so much. Just her tendency, if you understand.”
“I do, Ainger. And the Almighty might do so too, having fashioned her as she is.”
“Well, in his place I should feel I might have done better. What is the good of being almighty?”
“It is not a place you would be in. And you may continue in another vein.”
“Well, there is more to come, if I am to tell the whole. But perhaps my lips should be sealed.”
“If it may fester, Ainger, if it may act in that way, you should cast it off. There are things that are better shared.”
“You said the Almighty would understand the mistress, as he had fashioned her. I wonder what he would say to his existence being questioned. Who would have fashioned her then?”
“Surely it was not what passed?”
“Cook, it was implied. The after life was doubted. And in a light spirit.”
“Well, she goes to what is before her. We do not penetrate further. It might be too much.”
“It might indeed in a sense.”
“Ainger, we will say no more. It is not our part to frame thoughts.”
“I don’t think the old lady will leave us myself. And we may feel it to be as well.”
“Myself I say one thing. I have had kindness from the mistress. Those remain my words.”
“You might say other things, if you heard what I do.”
“Ainger, you lower yourself. Listening is your snare. You carry it beyond a point. And here are the postman and Miss Lavinia; they warn us that we are wasting time.”
“One letter for the mistress, two for the master, one each for you and Mr. Egbert, miss,” said Ainger. “One for Cook, if I may take it. And none for your humble servant; I mean none for me, miss. Well, it saves the need of reply.”
“Don’t you like writing letters?” said Lavinia.
“Well, when I attain the mood, miss. Then the words out-distance my pen,” said Ainger, as he strode away.
“Any letters for me?” said Egbert, entering the hall.
“One each for you and me and Father,” said Lavinia, putting the last on the table. “Here are yours and mine. I will take Grandma’s to her room.”
“Will she be able to read it?”
“Well, it may be the last. And then what a home it will be! Grandma gone, Father gone in spirit, no change in anything else! We shall spend our lives waiting for a difference that does not come.”
Lavinia went in to Selina’s room, and as she came out met Ninian.
“There is a letter for you in the hall, Father. I have put one by Grandma’s bed. She seemed to see and hear me. I wonder how often she will do either again.”
“I can’t help feeling she is better. She seemed so like herself.”
“She will be that as long as she breathes. It is not in her to be different.”
“When we are near our end, there must seem to be less in us. It is not so with her. It may mean she has not reached it.”
“If only it could mean it, Father!”
Ninian put his hand on her shoulder, and they went together to the library. Her face was resolute and somehow uplifted, and his quiet and without hope. When they sat down, he put his arm about her in his old way, and she leant against him in hers. Egbert and Hugo looked at them, and at each other; and the old life seemed to return as a shadow of itself.
It was not many days before Selina was amongst them, weak and on a sofa, but alert to all that passed.
“How angry I feel,” said Egbert, “that we have suffered needless anxiety! And what a foolish word it is! As if anxiety did any good!”
“It has done some in this case,” said Selina. “It has enhanced my value.”